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A Hard Place


"I Love You so much, sometimes it's scary..."  I was in bed, staring up at the ceiling; I could physically feel the words lodged in my throat.  I shut my eyes tightly and attempted to swallow.  "Nope, still there."  I spoke those words out loud, hoping they would remove all traces of that previous statement.  I had been asleep, but woke up for some strange reason with it fresh in my mind.  The longer I laid there, the more I thought about what it even meant.  I could not think of a single thing I wouldn't do for Landon.  The real question was, "Where was all this coming from?!"  Things between us were good; really good actually.  There was something going on inside me though, like there was more; like we weren't living up to our fullest potential.  I didn't have words to describe it; one thing was for sure, I was going to remain silent until I had them!  It kinda felt like I wasn't as close to him as I wanted to be-like under his skin was the only place I was going to be comfortable at present...WTF was wrong with me?!  Was I one of those bitches who just didn't know how to be happy?!  Just four short weeks ago, I would have DIED for us to be in this space.  Now that we were finally here, it didn't seem like enough.  Please don't misunderstand me in ANY way Universe; I am ELATED with how far we have come.  The pull from the TF Connection was much stronger than me, and it wanted it ALL!!!

I wasn't about to look all open and shit, so I kept it all myself.  It took everything inside of me to keep my composure and just go with the flow.  Every night I would end up back here, in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering where do we go from here.  It was a constant struggle between me and my higher self.  She didn't get the subtle nuance of this whole human love thing, and how we refused to get over ourselves in pursuit of something truly worthwhile and amazing.  She was perfectly willing to make a fool of me if it meant that she would get to where she wanted to be with Landon.  I just wish I knew what that was.  It's always BETTER when we play for the same team!  My anxiety had reached an all time high, and I found myself becoming increasingly nervous around Landon.  I just didn't want to say anything stupid!  I spent the majority of the time hanging on  my every word, thinking of what I was going to say from one moment to the next.  I wasn't going to be able to keep this up much longer.  Landon was getting more suspicious by the minute, and not in a good way.  He knows me extremely well; being as though things between us had been going so smoothly, he was going to automatically assume the worst.  Higher Self, Ima need you to get your life girl, and just let shit BE...Everything in the Universe is already yours, just in its OWN TIME...

Do you ever sit and think about what could have been?!  All the time, right?!  In general, this scenario is often contemplated based off a seemingly missed opportunity.  How often does it re-present itself?!  With such a RARE gift, what do you do?!  Should you dwell on the things you didn't get to do, OR blow that shit completely out the water with a dope ass remix?!!  I've decided on the latter.  I want what's actually mine.  A past life imagined is a present waste of time-this is the life we are living.  The thought directly proceeded my self-imposed statement about fearing my own feelings, and they were currently burrowing in even deeper.  Is this what my higher self was trying to tell me?!  Was this the source of those feelings that this just wasn't enough?!  Was I too hung up on all the time we had missed to embrace the present?!  Shit Avri, you're a fucking wreck!  What he should do is run as far away from you as he possibly can!  I had all but ended our relationship in my mind, and was preparing myself to let him go, when in the midst of my mental tirade, a sudden peace came over me.  My higher self was calm and speaking to me as clear as a bell.  "You will not run, HE will not run.  You deserve everything that is happening.  It is real, and MEANT for you.  There is NOTHING to be afraid of.  Stand your ground.  You have every right to love him the way you do."  I let out a long, peaceful sigh.  If words are needed, the right ones will come.  I smiled at the totality of the thought, and happily drifted away...  


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