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Showing posts from June, 2021

The Way We Are

  You know, you can't really call it a gamble when you know exactly what the outcome will be.  Landon's revelation had rocked my world.  I didn't respond right away.  Not that I was confused, I knew precisely what I wanted.  I just couldn't believe it was happening, and wanted to be sure he wouldn't change his mind.  THIS Landon, was MINE.  The one I had missed, all this time, and the man I truly loved.  I couldn't WAIT to be with him, but I had to be certain.  Without thought, my 1st instinct was to GO to him, no hesitation.  It was that pure instinct that I had missed acting on when it came to Landon.  EVERYTHING about us was like that, and it all had to be done NOW.  We didn't have a second to lose.  THIS, at long last, felt JUST like that again; the way it was suppose to... I was literally wrapped up in my own thought process for at least 48 hours straight.  I had completely lost track of Adonis.  We hadn't really spoken, I had asked for my space.  H

Childish Things

The Universe has a way of making the impossible happen...When you are honest with IT, and yourself about what you REALLY feel, things start happening.  I had turned my attention towards my upcoming summer plans and found myself completely occupied.  I really didn't have much opportunity for my mind to wander.   Talking to Adonis was nice, the attention was refreshing, but to be honest, the 'connection' wasn't there.  He was a distraction; the sole reason as to why he was back in my life.  To that end, his purpose was being served.  My conversations with Landon were brief and far between.  I couldn't tell what was going on with him, he seemed to be aggravated and pre-occupied; like he had something on his mind, but couldn't get it out.  I would think everything in his world is exactly the way he wants it to be-he no longer had to be worried about being in an unwanted situation.  I didn't understand why he doesn't just say whatever he was thinking.  Be car

My Last Cry

  Ok, so yes, I reached out to Adonis-but let's not get stupid, I had decided to take it extremely SLOW.  This was going to be MY Summer, and I wasn't about to lose sight of that for anyone.  I had made a clean break from Landon-well, as clean as possible, and was a peace with my decision.  We wanted different things, and that's OK.  I was looking forward to an entire summer abroad; it was a much-needed break.  There were 5 countries on the agenda and I couldn't wait to take it all in!  I had a little over 3 weeks until I left, so I was going to use as much of that time as possible to get re-acquainted with Adonis.  A lot could have changed in the course of 6 months or more. I needed to be sure this was the same person that kissed me that night under the stars in what seems like another lifetime.  Even though my feelings for Adonis were undefined, the fact that I felt anything at all gave me hope... It was time for a purge.  I refuse to keep moving in an uncertain way. 

Precipice: A Landon Perspective

  "If I don't say SOMETHING , I'm going to lose her; forever this time..." I wish I could tell you where I have been for the past year and a half.  If I knew, then maybe I could explain what was so important that I wasn't paying attention, and I'm letting Avri walk away all over again.  This time, she won't be back...She told me how she felt too-I just sat, listening; not providing any response.  I was silent as she spilled the contents of her heart; taking in every word and realizing for the first time, this is EXACTLY the way I have always hoped to be loved.  It was just as I had imagined; shit better!  It was IMPRESSIVE, yet overwhelming at the same time.  "Do I deserve this?!"  The thought kept running through my mind as she talked.  Throughout, I had mastered the art of pushing Avri away, and was doing it now; even as she spoke.  I didn't even WANT to anymore; it was learned behavior that felt SAFE.  I must have tuned Avri out, because t