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My Last Cry

 


Ok, so yes, I reached out to Adonis-but let's not get stupid, I had decided to take it extremely SLOW.  This was going to be MY Summer, and I wasn't about to lose sight of that for anyone.  I had made a clean break from Landon-well, as clean as possible, and was at peace with my decision.  We wanted different things, and that's OK.  I was looking forward to an entire summer abroad; it was a much-needed break.  There were 5 countries on the agenda and I couldn't wait to take it all in!  I had a little over 3 weeks until I left, so I was going to use as much of that time as possible to get re-acquainted with Adonis.  A lot could have changed in the course of 6 months or more. I needed to be sure this was the same person that kissed me that night under the stars in what seems like another lifetime.  Even though my feelings for Adonis were undefined, the fact that I felt anything at all gave me hope...

It was time for a purge.  I refuse to keep moving in an uncertain way.  I am going to deal with any negativity and unresolved emotions TODAY.  Are you ready?!  The mind of Avri James can be a really scary place; 'keep your hands and feet inside the moving vehicle at all times.' lol.  I spent the weekend working through my shit.  This whole casual approach Landon wanted to take with us was the source of all of my issues because it was never something I agreed with.  HE is the entire reason why Adonis is mixed up in the Avri James saga in the first place.  I wanted to be with someone who was SURE.  A man that knew he wanted me above all others, and wasn't afraid to say so.  Even though Landon and I still spoke occasionally, something was definitely different on my part.  I FELT different.  His lackadaisical attitude that usually drove me crazy no longer bothered me.  The flimsy promises to do the simplest things with me that I KNEW would be broken no longer hurt.  Finally, that dull ache that had taken permanent residence in my heart since Landon became this other version of himself had disappeared.  I was beginning to accept that I would be with someone else.  Shit, even if it wasn't Adonis in the end, there would eventually be SOMEBODY.  I wasn't broken after all...

My greatest fear is that something IS wrong with me, and I am fatally programmed to want something I'm never going to have.  I don't want anything that isn't mine.  Being in THAT bubble  with a man that loves me the way I love him, and him wanting to be there with me is what it's all about.  Just let the world melt away, and exist there;  ONLY for each other.  Sounds dope, right?!  I had become numb inside from being indifferent for so long; pretending that things didn't hurt me.  I tried to hide the disappointment I felt every time of seeing each other sporadically, never being a priority; STILL waiting for it to be MY TURN.  It just became too hard to pretend my heart wasn't breaking.  I mean damn, don't I matter?! 

 Well, I DID tell him; it's all I could do.  He didn't say a word-which is what I expected.  But, just once, just for kicks, why not shock the world and try something COMPLETELY new?!  Why not realize the only time you see positive change is when we take claim of our personal power and step into who we really are.  Fear is a construct of the mind.  YOU are it's only true mechanism of it's control, and that's precisely the key to conquering it...getting out of your own way.  BELIEVE.  Because, no matter what, it's the most REAL thing I have EVER known, and living without you just isn't an option...My response would have been one of overwhelming relief because at LONG last, you had found your way back; all on your own.  We would have a fresh start; stronger than ever-all of the bullshit coming to an end.  It would have proven once and for all you had it in you to be MORE, and worthy of what the Universe had gifted us.  If he could OWN how he felt, I would let EVERYTHING GO, and truly give him my ALL. I mean, it does belong to him... 

But anyway, I digress.  That's all wishful thinking.  What actually happened is that Landon shut down.  It was all left unresolved, and we stayed in that bum-ass gray area.   My words weren't to prompt change, I was just TIRED, and being an adult about the situation was all I had left in me.  I had given up.  Everything Landon did (or didn't, for that matter) communicated that he didn't want me, while his words said something else entirely.  Funny thing about words, they tend to lose the value behind their meaning if they are being said on a consistent basis just because...Whenever things come to an end, there's always a bunch of unanswered questions. and what ifs.  We spend a significant amount of time going over every detail, trying to figure out precisely what went wrong.  I didn't spend the days following obsessing.  There was no overwhelming guilt behind the decision to get to know Adonis better.  I spent those days after the conversation with my mind at ease.  I was so afraid that I couldn't have any real feelings for someone else because I was somehow programmed specifically FOR Landon.  After all, proven fact, he IS the only man I have ever really loved...

It's apparent that I don't know much about Love.  I must be an enigma, and what I know love to be is another concept altogether.  It's like the way I feel is wrong.  Like the fact that I believe in the power of real Love and TRUE reciprocity, I'm crazy.  Well whatever then.  A long time a go I had a beautiful box on the top shelf in the attic of my mind palace.  I put Landon, and EVERYTHING I felt for him inside that box, and walked away-presumably forever.  Had I left that box where it was, then I wouldn't be here, spilling all kinds of feelings all out in the air.  What's the silver lining?  A question: I've done it before, can I do it again??!          

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