Changes

Fuck it Avri; Just Jump...

What harm could possibly come from going?!  A bitch just hates to be in a compromising position...I had so much swimming around in my head, I knew I needed a little headway before I could make ANY decisions.  That meant having another tooth-pulling conversation with Landon.  I knew what I felt, but I also knew that I was embarking on a whole new life course; a boyfriend was nowhere in that equation.  I liked that we didn't need labels to feel connected with one another, and would define what we had at a point in time when we were both ready.  In the back of my mind, the comment about Tre was still rattling around, and so I knew it would not be okay to pursue this any further and not say anything.  Big Girl Boots Avri; "It's About to Go Down!"...

Something that always happens to me whenever Landon and I are face to face is that I get kinda nervous when something is on my mind, and I'm at a loss for words.  No matter how organized my thoughts are prior to, it never comes out that way.  I sat next to him, trying to find the right words to communicate exactly what was on my heart.  I wanted to tell him that the Landon and Avri that was so dope was being transformed into something basic and stupid; that we weren't everyone else, and should stop pretending like we were.  We function and we work because are You and I; and nobody else.  We don't deny our feelings or their intensity; most importantly, we don't play games.  How we operate is unique and special, and were absolutely fine the way we were; moving at the pace we set...until you starting thinking and fucking shit up.  That's what I wanted to say; God only knows what actually came out...

One thing is for certain, it damn sure wasn't that; the invitation from Tre managed to be overlooked too.  I never mentioned it.  I was hoping after we spoke, I would be less confused, but no luck.   I hope I was at least able to get my point across, even if it was the most inarticulate thing I ever said.  I did walk away from the conversation with a  sense of relief, which meant I must have gotten out at least 1 thing I wanted to say.  That afternoon, I told Tre we could meet that night to have dinner, and we would discuss the potential of spending Sunday together.  He was more than happy to oblige; even coming all the way to Richmond to pick me up.  I had none of the same reservations with Tre, so I was able to jump right in...I was honest, right up front, letting him know I did not previously think of him that way, which is why I was so apprehensive.  It wasn't until the last couple of weeks of us spending so much time together that I really even saw him as a guy(no homo!).  I explained that I am incredibly guarded because I'm extremely sensitive and don't like to be hurt.  "I admire you candidness and willingness to still come at me the way you did," I said,"knowing full well what my situation was.  For that reason, I WILL spend all of Sunday with you; just be careful what you wish for!"

There, I said it.  It was out; I agreed, and I was going.  The backs of my ears started to tingle; I  was actually excited...for a few moments until anxiety kicked in--I'm going to be alone with Tre ALL DAY...Oh shit!  This is the 1st time I had actually been to his apartment.  Oh well, no turning back now!  "Stop acting like this man is going to eat you(what if he tries!lol)" I thought.  I reassured myself in my head.  "There hasn't even been an inappropriate word between us; it's not a stranger; CHILL!"  After a few deep breaths, I was calm, and could finally think about something important--like what to wear...