One Fine Day

As it stands, whenever make plans, outside factors have a way of changing them.  Just days prior to our date, a family emergency thrust me into a very surreal headspace.  Nothing really seemed tangible, and I felt like I was totally absent.  Everyone around me was connected in some way, and it was everywhere I turned.  The only time I found myself having a conversation that didn't center around it was when I spoke to Tre.

With all the craziness swirling around, our date was pushed to the background.  I was a little leary to cancel it altogether, thinking I may need to plan a short break from all the bullshit; even if just for a few hours.  There wasn't any peace on Richmond Whatsoever, and I was absolutely CRAVING it.  I stole the only opportunity I had to be alone and went for a walk.  It was just after dark, and a cool, damp air clung to my skin.  I could feel that; I WAS awake!  There was so much in my head...I took some full, deep breaths; letting the fresh air in, and letting all the nonsense out.  I needed to be clear, balanced, and focused.  My life and these situations weren't going to sort themselves out; I was going to have to line them up, and knock em' down one by one...

At this point, I had come to the realization that I was going to have an excuse each time; I wasn't ever going to reschedule.  It wasn't about timing, or what was going on, it was all about the fact that I had no REAL interest in Tre whatsoever.  Even though I wasn't exactly sure what he felt about me, I knew for certain I felt nothing.  All my apprehension stemmed from this one fact.  I wanted so desperately to be angry, and to feel differently.  I was convinced I was being stupid, and would regret the decision.  I didn't care; I didn't WANT to go.  I just wasn't interested in spending any real time with any other men.  

I seriously contemplated not saying anything; just not speaking to him at all.  But no; that wouldn't be right.  I would have to face him, and I would have to decline the invitation.  I just didn't want to.  point blank period.  If I got stuck, I could just say that; shit it was true.  It made no sense to entertain this any further.  None of this felt right, none of this felt like Avri.  The more I thought about it, the more it felt like I was doing it out of an effort to forget about what was going on between Landon and I.  The one sure thing in my crazy world was that my feelings for Landon were REAL.  When it was all said and done, everyone else ended up being little more than a distraction.  I spent so much time running away from this fact, I wasn't paying attention to what was happening.  It didn't make sense to make someone a casualty to a situation they don't need to be apart of.  It didn't matter how what Landon and I were going through made me feel, I KNEW for sure I did not want this, and I had to tell Tre...

It was quick and relatively painless.  I called Tre and told him the truth.  I told him that it had been nice to have him see something in me, but I knew there would never be an us.  I just didn't feel that way about him, and wasn't interested in another elaborate friendship.  This is all it would EVER be, and I know this because I already know where my heart lies.  It didn't leave much room for too many words or objections.  I didn't even have to say it was probably best we didn't spend any more time together; he said it for me.  I felt GOOD.  Even though so much was still uncertain, for the 1st time in a long time, I was being true to Avri...