Absentia

 

One thing that Landon and I have in common, which seems to be the main source of discord between us, is the fact that once we decide we want something, NOTHING stands in our way.  The goal WILL. be achieved.  This is most certainly an asset, but can FEEL like a detriment...especially if we are not both in a single-minded state.  Not even we can penetrate the other's bubble...

Neither of us had mentioned anything more about moving in together.  There was an unspoken agreement to reserve the conversation until after he had finished his finals.  What I didn't fully understand is that finals week, for an architectural major is a month long endeavor!  Why does it feel like every time we reach a point to where something fantastic is about to happen, I mean LITERALLY close enough to touch, does it all suddenly move one centimetre to the left-just out of reach?!  I was trying my absolute HARDEST to be the peace he so desperately needed during this time; all the while feeling like an unwanted burden as far as he was concerned.  I was determined to keep it all inside so he could focus; convincing myself that the barrier he had put up between us would disappear as soon as this was over.  It's not a setback, it's a BLESSING.   The funny thing about the human heart, it's not readily able to differentiate the space.  Regardless of the reason, to our emotional database, it feels IDENTICAL to rejection.  I spent a lot of time in conversation with the Universe, asking for patience, and to remove any feelings of selfishness from the situation.  There was one question, however, that loomed overhead, "why in the pursuit of our own individual greatness must our significant other feel alone?  Do you know how hard it is to maintain the peace of the very individual who is inadvertently causing the disruption of yours?!  Moreover, you can't even say so, because any expression to the contrary is seen as selfish(even by you!)  My thought process and emotions are completely at odds.  In another few days I will be completely introverted, and find myself writing more and more each day.  I wasn't prepared to not see or speak to him for days at a time.  Knowing what's happening and that this is different from before does NOT change the way it makes me feel.  At the end of the day, pushing me away for whatever reason feels like abandonment...

Our bubble is too perfect, point blank period.  Being in that space with him feels like NOTHING else, and its something I have grown accustomed to, and it has become the one thing I cannot do without.  I just really, really miss it.  I want to feel like I have a special place that nothing and no one can touch because that is what he has in ME.  I made up my mind; I have to figure out some way to shut it off.  It was becoming more and more apparent that the feeling of being dangerously in love was one-sided; that's why I was going crazy all by myself.  For Landon (at least that's how it all felt), all the little shit that made us pure magic was no longer necessary, and he was happy with whatever this was we had now. If I wanted to keep going, I would need to change, and adapt to this new version of us.  This change had been happening long before finals began, and I went with it; afraid to rock the boat.  So what cause did I have for complaint?!  YOU, Avri James let this happen, YOU let it be OK.  Our current state worked for him.  I would need to refocus my energy elsewhere, and become accustomed to our "New Norm".  I would just have to hope when it was all said and done that I ease into it, and our new norm would work for me too.  There's just too much feeling inside of me for him to reciprocate...I really want to know, is it our lot in life to give everything inside to the wrong person or at the wrong time?!  This is why reciprocity is a myth-you cannot give what you do not have...

There were a few brief encounters, and it was incredibly difficult to hide; He could tell!  I  was able to attribute most of my indifference to being tired, burnt out from finals, and packing.  It's funny tho, the more I tried to hide it, the more he noticed..."What's the matter?" Landon asked as I approached him.  "Damn!" I thought to myself, but replied, "Nothing, I'm just a little worn out from packing.  It's amazing how much stuff you can accumulate in a matter of months; especially when you are broke!"  He smiled; I couldn't tell if he bought it, but he quickly moved on, chatting me up about all that I had missed in the past few days.  I sat quietly, listening- a million miles away.  I was some place else, trying to get my shit together!  We always want what we can't have- I was in desperate need of his undivided attention.  I sat back in the seat; bidding my time till it was my turn.  Did I happen to mention we are just over a week in?!  18+ excruciating days to go...~The Queen