Fresh Air

 

As the days wore on, it gradually became easier to focus my attention elsewhere.  I had been the other half of Avri and Landon long enough to know how much worse obsessing over the situation was going to make things.  It's peculiar; it's like, the more upset and withdrawn I become, the more ornery and disagreeable Landon becomes-even without me saying a word.  We don't have to see each other; somehow, we just KNOW.  My attempt at maintaining his peace was futile because he felt my unrest.  it of course was mis-interpreted  to be some type of animosity towards him because he was busy with finals.  I gently explained my behavior as of late wasn't a result of him being pre-occupied with the pursuit of higher education-as a matter of fact, that was actually a little sexy!  My problem was feeling intentionally ignored, and existing in a sort of "Gray" area until this was all over.  he said he understood what I was trying to say, but we had been so distant as of late, I wasn't sure if any of it really sank in.

It was absolutely the right thing to do.  With my conscious clear, I was able to engross myself in activities that took my mind off of things.  I had a few new ideas lined up for "the Starlit Staircase" for audience participation, and several books I either needed to start or finish.  With everyone's finals winding down, we found ourselves with enough free time to finally catch up and just kick it.  I felt like i hadn't spoken to Katrina in months.  In addition to school, she had been going through some nonsense of her own with her significant other, and really hadn't been up for much conversation.  We had decided to sneak back to Richmond that weekend for some much-needed GIRLS ONLY R&R.  I found myself humming as I packed.  I was actually looking forward to the trip.  I had one final pep talk with the Universe, resolving to release any negative energy I held in any area of my life-an overall feeling of letting go.  with one last, deep breath, and the most earnest smile my face held in weeks, I switched off the light, and shut my door tightly behind me.

It never really matters what Katrina and I do when we are together, it's like pop rocks!  We had both been through the mental ringer, and were desperately seeking an escape.  It would have been perfectly fine for us to engage in mindless fun the whole time, but we both knew we had some serious business to discuss!  We took our time; shopped, went to all our favorite spots, and visited people we hadn't seen in a while.  By Friday night, I realized I hadn't thought about the situation with Landon the entire time.  Even thought it suddenly came to mind, it didn't make me feel bad to think about it.  I was actually at peace.  We decided the best way to discuss our issues was over dinner and a bottle of wine in the backyard.  Since we weren't going back till Monday morning, it would be the perfect way to ease into a hectic weekend.  I hadn't told anyone but Landon how I felt, so it felt good to talk about it with someone that knew me so well.  I even admitted how peaceful it had been to just step away from everything and just focus on keeping my energy positive.  She vowed to do the same when it came to her current dilemma.  We clinked glasses in agreement, then wandered wearily inside to bed...

Drowsily tracing dark shapes on my ceiling as Fur Elise softly played in the background, I allowed my mind to drift...It wasn't until my phone began vibrating on my bedside table was I snapped fully back into the present; it was Landon.  "Hey!"  he said cheerfully upon hearing my voice.  It was clear and bright; with a certain inflection in it that I couldn't quite put my finger on, but it felt very familiar.  "I REALLY miss you".  I sat straight up in bed.  I now knew what i heard in his voice, MY LANDON.  He had been gone so long, I almost forgotten what he sounded like.  Remain calm Avri, this is NOT a drill!!  I simply responded, "Oh yea, well how come I haven't heard from you all day until now?!"  "Because," he began, "I like the feeling."  I eased back down into my pillow.  Just like that, we were back inside our bubble.  It was like he had been reading my mind for the past 5 months.  All the things that bothered me, he inadvertently addressed in his own way; as if reading from a bulleted list of my worries.  I could LITERALLY feel my heart relax.  We talked a little shit, engaged in our usual banter, and even entertained a few hypothetical situations.  I started to feel some type of way; so I stated my peace on the scenario and moved on (or so I thought).  At this point, Facetime was the only valid option.  Within moments, we were looking at each other, knowing there was absolutely nothing else we would rather be doing.  This was perfect-being able to be these 2 separate, amazing people who, no matter what was happening around us, never losing sight of one another.  I went to sleep sublimely happy.  And yet, something had lingered...

So you know how you will micro-manage a situation down to the most minuet detail in an attempt to perfectly execute a plan?  If you do, you ALSO know how there's just NO such thing.  If disaster is coming, YOU cannot stop it.  It had been over a year since I had really had a carefree night of drinking and all out Fuckery.  I'm always the uptight responsible one that doesn't take it too far.  After the month I just had, I NEEDED to let go.  Since so many of us had gathered on Richmond for the first time in a long time, we decided to GO IN!  Let it be known, I'm not a drinker; so if it's anything stronger than wine, prep work MUST be done.  Once making the decision to engage, I was supposed to EAT.  I had even fixed my food.  I was supposed to do that first, and it did not happen that way.  Before I knew it, we were 4 shots in, and I was DONE!!  After we got back from the store, I grabbed my food, mumbled something in passing to someone about not feeling well, and made a Beeline for my bed.  I immediately feel into an alcohol induced coma for the next couple of hours.  I didn't even get to enjoy it!  Had that been the end of it, I would have just written myself off as incredibly wack; but of course, in typical Avri fashion, I had to go ALL the WAY THE FUCK OUT!!  I woke up at some point, still inebriated, and started to text Landon the most random shit.  All I can say about my drunken self, especially when brown liquor is concerned, is that she is Hella emotional with NO filter.  Things I subconsciously suppress ALWAYS come out.  That particular night I became completely fixated on the hypothetical scenario that Landon had presented the night before.  At the time, I had NO idea how much it upset me.  Obviously more than I was willing to admit.  I told him it felt all too real and I couldn't handle it.  At that moment,  I was petrified that he was walking away from me.  In that state, I couldn't think clearly.  I just could NOT be hurt anymore; I lashed out, and beat him to the punch.  I was so upset, it didn't even matter...that is, till the next day...

I read it all in horror the next morning.  Not thinking, I immediately called Landon.  I didn't even know what I was going to say.  I was actually relieved he didn't answer.  Avri James, what the fuck did you just DO?!  We were almost home free!!!  All I could do is apologize for my behavior, but it obviously came from a very real place.  I'm not allowed any margin for error.  Granted, I'm expected to not only recognize that people are not perfect and make mistakes, but I am also to forgive them for any and all transgressions with no questions asked.  If I do something wrong, it's the end of the world, and nothing moves as far as we are concerned until he gets out of his feelings.  On the other hand, however, when the situation is reversed, and it's his fault, it's STILL contingent upon when he feels like I'm over it.  He won't speak to me until then.  It's like a major breakup, over every little thing.  My subconscious had had enough, and lashed out in a very big way.  I didn't want to wait anymore.  I was ready to face our challenges head on and let the chips fall where they may; you know, like REAL ADULTS!!  Face Me!  I realized that I had given Landon this power; even to the point to where I wouldn't even call him; I would always wait until he came to me.  Nah, that shit is over...If you want a different outcome, you have to do things differently.  I loved Landon in a way that words could never fully express, and us being any other way was just not logical for me.  I was ready to give him my ALL; knowing full well what that meant.  I waited until he was done with his very last final and I called him.  It was time to go after the things I wanted the way HE DOES, and not let anything stand in my way...