"Amerie"

 

"...So many things I'm going through, So much that I wanna do~It's starting to become so clear to me, tomorrow ain't really guaranteed~So many days I've thought of you, it's about time you knew the truth~Gotta act quickly you and I, to fall in Love so many reasons why..."

I could feel the sun slipping through the downturned slats of my wooden blinds.  It crept slowly across the floor; climbing my bedspread, and finally kissing my fingers before I opened my eyes.  I smiled, thanked the Universe for Life, and rolled over, feeling around for my book.  I hadn't fully decided if I was quite ready to get up yet.  Still in mid-thought, the sound of chimes began to softly ascend; it was my phone reminding me of the day I had ahead of me.  Whelp, decision made.  I'm up.  I didn't mind too much though; today had the potential to be dope.  I love the Summer.  It's the way the air smells; IDK, it does something to me...Melanie and I had a whole day laid out in front of us; including a two-hour tea service on a double decker bus around the City.  It felt great to have someone to share all of my fun little girl activities with.  Sometimes it was wonderful just to be reminded of your femineity from time to time.  A second or two later, the phone rang; it was Melanie.  Already beaming, and full of energy for the day.  "Yo yo yo yo yo!!!  I KNOW you not still sleep, why you still sound slumped?!"  "Because Bitch, those of us without babies actually ENJOY lingering in the bed after opening our eyes; there's nobody to run from!"  I said with  giggle.  This was Melanie's REAL magic; I was infected.  Already out of bed and on my feet; SMH.   I made my way over to my electric kettle, switching it on.  "Sooo, I came across a Lunar Fair going on tonight from 5-10.  It's gothic-cowboy bitch; my two favorite things!"  The excitement in Melanie's voice meant that it wasn't optional.  I smiled as I felt myself giving in.  "Eh, it's your world.  I promised my undivided attention today, and you're gonna get it."  Squeals of delight rang out through the receiver.  There was clearly dancing going on, as the conversation didn't proceed for another 2 to 3 minutes or so...

Fast forward through a whirlwind of activities, we had arrived at my most favorite part of the day; the Finale.  The last stop was heading to PA for our own little slice of wine country.  I didn't even care about the wine, I just wanted to breath the air and visit the grapes lol!  There was this trail in the woods just below the observation deck that was calling my NAME.  I ran my fingers across the book in my bag.  Once they brought out the chocolate wine, I would make my escape😜.  The brick ovens were blazing and the scent of flatbread piled high with all types of delicious toppings filled the air as we rounded the cobblestone drive.  I was in my element.  I don't recall the car actually stopping, just being outside of it, basket in hand; rushing Melanie to join me.  I felt like a six year old; she was taking FOREVER.  I was my turn to whine and pout.  "OMG Mel, WTF are you doing?!  Let's GOOOO!!!"  I stamped a very impatient foot.  My pleas fell on deaf ears.  She seemed to saunter even more slowly between the driver's side door and the trunk.  Her wide brimmed hat shifted with her movements.  I glared at her.  Fuck it, I'm not in the mood.  I turned on my heels and headed up the drive.  The sound of gravel being hurriedly displaced by footsteps gaining on me was all I could hear.  "So you were just gonna LEAVE me?!  That's not what sisters do!"  "On the contrary Heaux, that's EXACTLY what big sister's do when you play too much!"  Melanie hugged me from behind...

If I was going to have a moment to myself, every minute of our visit had to go according to plan.  I had exactly an hour and a half to have Mel comfortable, content with her wine selections, and a spot that allowed her the best view.  4-7 wine sampling towers and a half a charcuterie board later, we were nestled under a group of oak trees in reclining wicker chairs.  I swear wine turns wool into clouds; the blanket I was swaddled in felt like Heaven.  I few minutes later, Mel spread her blanket out on the patch of ground lying before us; it was just about magic hour people!!!  Once the earbuds went in, I knew it was only a matter of time.  Confirmation came when my half-hearted invitation to join me on the trail went unanswered.  I looked over, and Melanie's eyes were tightly shut, with the a peaceful look of satisfied bliss generally reserved for babies and fools.  "Pssst, Avri,"  the trail whispered softly...

~~~~~~

Just like that, I was heading down the moon-lit path.  I was feeling all types of amazing things, not really certain what any of it meant.  Landon and I were in uncharted territory.  No Seriously.  After repeated shutdowns, meaningless distractions, and futile attempts to replicate our connection someplace else only to discover that it doesn't hold a single drop of wax, let alone a candle in comparison to OUR energy.  There's just nothing like it.  And so, here we were, consciously connected, yet seriously apprehensive, with NO IDEA of where to go next.  Ignoring it had already proved pointless, and so, we both decided to not to run this time.  We may not have had any real concept of what the fuck was going on, but we knew it was something that MATTERED.  We had been inexplicably drawn to one another since before we even understood there was anything between us-this was REAL.  We owed it to ourselves and the Universe to find out where this was all taking us.  Blind Faith=Avri James Kryptonite...A Bitch is TERRIFIED!!!!  I'm telling you, ACTUAL PSYSICAL PAIN!!!!  And yet, effortlessly doing so when it came to Landon.  Once settled near the small brook, I got myself situated and pulled out my book.  The two lanterns I brought with me provided the perfect amount of ambient light.  Crickets sang, and fireflies flickered all around me.  Would it sound crazy to say that this is the most Present I've felt all day?...

The water gently cascaded; bouncing off rocks that had been relieved of all their hard edges by the ebb and flow.  A warm feeling about the size of a tangerine started to form in the pit of my stomach.  Once recognized, it began to grow; pulsating as it spread over my entire being.  It felt AMAZING...Landon...less than five minutes later, windchimes magically ascending finally gave credence to our Wonder Twin Powers..."Yo!"  His voice rang out clear and cheerful.  "Ya'll two fiends finished, or ya'll still going?!"  I smiled and responded, "lol, this is it for me, I've definitely had enough!  But what's up wit you though, how was your day?!"  "It was pretty good, can't complain.  But I don't want to keep you, I was just checking your progress."  I replied, "You didn't interrupt anything outside of 45  minutes of silent reflection.  I'm all yours."  I could hear the smile in his voice.  "Aight Cool."  Landon ran down his day; describing one crazy little encounter after the next.  "I love that you can actually HEAR me Avri.  You get me, even when I don't all the way get myself.  If for some strange reason you don't, you put in work and try to figure me out.  I know we're weird right now, but I couldn't imagine being here with anyone else.  Even though our reality looks different than I originally planned, I slowly coming to the conclusion that whatever is next, is going to be SOOOO much MORE. I need a little grace while I learn to adjust.  It's a process, and it takes time.  Right now, it's about revising it, and getting used to a new dynamic.  This is my struggle when it comes to you Avri.  YOU ARE MINE.  Can you understand that?!  No, do you REALLY get what TF that statement means when I say it?!"  I took a moment to collect my thoughts...Landon OMG WTF Bro?!!!  I thought I was the writer and master communicator!!  Since when do you express yourself so thoughtfully and completely?!  My nigga!!!  That's TF I'm talking about!!  Talk Your Shit!!!  Ok, I was ready to go back in...

"Aight, you just said a WHOLE lot just now with that one statement; you know I'm about to use waayy more words😁.  You and I exist in a space outside of everyone and everything else.  Our space is sacred, untouched, and completely hidden from all outside influence.  It's JUST US.  No life choice that I make could EVER change that.  I AM HERE.  It's not about learning to live with the current life choices we've made, it's about forward progress towards the no doubt amazing life we could have NEVER imagined because we were too caught up on what we THOUGHT things were supposed to be like.  We have been given the unique opportunity to embrace the idea that there is so much MORE for us.  The Universe keeps bringing us back to this exact same spot because we keep making the wrong choice.  It's time to stay and fight.  I may not know it all, but I DO know that I was made to your specifications."  There was silence on the other end of the line, and I felt my anxiety rising.  This was the first time in a VERY long time where both Landon and I were able to say what was on our minds about the current state of Us.  It was like an elephant in the room that neither of us would address for fear of some disasterous outcome.  But avoiding it, better yet, pretending like it wasn't there was an outdated pattern that I refused to re-enter.  We weren't children anymore, it was time for progress...."Hell-looo." I said, breaking the silence.  "I'm here, and I'm listening, I'm just thinking, taking it in."  Landon replied.  "I don't know how we are going to get there, shit, or exactly where we are heading for that matter.  All I know for sure is that we are headed in the right direction.  I'll stop tryna ReNig on our whole State Property deal if you can agree to do the same.  Facts can change, not Absolute Truth."  Landon had yet to realize that his silence makes me nervous; causing me to fill it with more words.  I was asking for his trust when it came to his emotional well-being; his most precious possession.  Even though I was the one making the request, in all actuality, I had been subconsciously protecting my own.  I had assumed it was a place he would never get to because he couldn't get over himself.  It defied logic to think that a person would open their veins for you if necessary, without knowing if they'd receive it in return.  FUCK FEAR...

At last, he spoke.  'OK."  👀  "Ok What?!"  "You said the only way through is together, and the only way to see what happens is to finish the book.  it's Get Down or Lay Down, Right?!"  A huge wave of relief rushed over me.  I had put myself out there in the 1st time in what seemed like forever, and it didn't end in soul crushing defeat!😁  Yep, Fuck You Fear.  "There's just one thing I wanna add..."  Landon suddenly said.  Wait What?!  MORE WORDS?!!!  Oh shit, I may have spoken too soon...Fuck it. 'I Ain't Never Scared!'😜 "Anything you want Love, I'm listening."  I answered bravely.  Although apprehensive, I'm not gonna lie.😅  "Aight, so I know I was the one that introduced the concept of dating other people into our shit, but do you think it would be moving too fast or effect our progress if we were to pause on the extra-curriculars we may or may not have going on for right now?  I just think its smart to start ridding ourselves of outside distractions."  I know I speak fluid Landon, but I was gonna need a little bit more information to remove any doubt, so I remained silent.  Landon continued, "You said it yourself, nothing and no one gets in between you and I in our space, and that exactly the way I like it.  I don't know what IT is, but I know you got It, and I want It, and only you have it. You're the plug, My Plug..."  

OMG this man was all kinds of SEXY right now!  There is no bigger turn on than knowing exactly what you want from a woman an being able to communicate that.  Landon didn't even realize what he was asking me for...something I didn't think he ever would...emotional intelligence.  He didn't even realize what he was asking for .  Landon was actually fighting to be released from the box I had placed him in so long ago.  Now this, was ATTRACTIVE.  More so than anything he had said or done in EVER.  I felt closer to him in that moment than any other that I could recall in recent history; and YET, I digress...Landon once asked what I needed from him, but in that moment, I wasn't able to put into words what that was, but I knew...Emotional Intelligence...I wanted IT; nor nothing at all.  Perhaps this was a sign that he WAS capable...Shhhhhhiiiitttt, let me find out Landon is finally willing to come into the fuck he is and identify with EVERYTHING that makes him dope...not only was I willing to give him what he wanted, but he was going to get back ever single moment he felt that he was deprived of in all of it's entirety...Discovering once and for all how divine Forgiveness truly is....Yea, but ONLY if he was Really Ready; to be GREAT...