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"Snoh"

 


"I Keep it on the low; until I know.  That's it's you for sure, just to be safe...That shit I speak about, think about, can't do without...
But I can't live without you, YOU; no no no no no..." 
S. Aalegra 'You

Sometimes I feel like being my own sanctuary is just about the saddest thing on Earth.  Yet, when you are intentionally ducked off, it can come in pretty handy.  I had completely lost myself in the mountain of things I needed to do for my website.  I didn't have the time to think about anything going on outside my door.  I was in the Candle Bar by day, and a Writer and content creator by night.  It was ridiculous how far behind I had fallen.  What can I say, I had been caught up.  My mind was some place else entirely.  I had been faced with a situation so real, that it generated a fear inside me that was damn near debilitating.  The scariest part, was that it wasn't something I should've had to experience alone.  After all, I didn't create this particular set of circumstances on my own, but I was dealing with IT, and it's aftermath, all alone.  My emotions no longer existed, and I felt absolutely nothing.  For the last 6 weeks or so, I had just been going through the motions.  Someone in my life had made it their mission to change my "perspective" of things.  I wasn't particularly interested, but you know what they say, "fake it till you make it".😁  I wasn't completely devoid of life, but none of this shit really appealed to me...  

I had taken a few days off from the Candle Bar, so I was going to take advantage of every minute.  I stopped by the store on my way home, grabbing several different pastries and cookies to eat along side my tea during my hibernation-I was serious about staying in!  'My phone will remain on DND until I finish' I thought cheerfully.  I was over stimulated by tonight's antics, I was ready to be in a calm, quiet place; surrounded by books, candles, and Inspiration.  Although my arrival back on Richmond was on the late side, I found a place to park with relative ease.  I gathered my belongings and made my way up flight #1 of 3.  The mountain of soft blankets on my bed was calling my name.  I smiled at the comfort of this vision as it floated through my mind...

I ascended the last flight of stairs, and my disposition brightened as I approached my door.  I entered the room, stepping in without switching on the light.  Kicking off my shoes, I made my way to my desk to drop the millions of bags that filled both my arms and hands.  Removing my jacket, I threw it in the open closet.  This, while simultaneously feeling along the wall for the light switch.  As I approached my door to close it, I noticed an envelope on the floor.  "What the Hell?!"  I thought, then said out loud incredulously, "Why is my mail on the floor?!" ; immediately became irritated with every member of my household.  I reached down to pick it up; as it lay faced down at my feet.  In one swift movement, I grabbed it, tossing it on my desk amongst the other organized chaos, and proceeded to undress.  15 minutes later, I was in tights, fuzzy socks, and a face mask.  I took my time, carefully selecting my candles according to my aromatherapy specifications I was most in need of at the moment.  My last task was to wash my mug and start my electric kettle...check and check.  Finally situated, I settled into my desk chair.  On the easel in front of me were a plethora of my latest ideas for the site.  Nothing was really grabbing my attention, but fuck it, I was going to feed it all into AI and see what happens.  After opening up my laptop, my attention was called back to the envelope that had been slipped under my door...

It was still faced down.  Curiosity got the best of me, so I casually turned it over, fully expecting it to be a cleverly disguised piece of junk...It wasn't...My eyes stretched open; as far and wide as my sockets would allow.  My heart fell out of my chest, landing on the desk in front of me.  I could have sworn I heard a loud thud.  The large, savagely graceful letters spelled out my name; the handwriting immediately recognizable.  Landon.  Heart miraculously back inside my chest, I was now acutely aware of how fast it was beating.  I wasn't strong enough for this.  I couldn't TAKE this.  WTF was happening?  I quickly turned it back over, the envelope opening now facing up.  That didn't make it any better.  My apprehension made me want to cry...There was a time when I would have TORN at the contents of that envelope with the ferociousness of a Velociraptor.  Nothing could have kept me from what he had to say...and Yet, here I was, having a staring contest with a series of intricately folded pieces of paper.  I contemplated not opening it; there were plenty of candles around, I could always just burn it; unopened.  I had spent the last several weeks purging all traces of Landon(literally!) from my system.  The smallest thing could, and WOULD derail all of my progress.  Just a few more weeks, and I'd be in the clear...I wasn't willing to take the risk; I wasn't strong enough...All of my carefully laid plans for the night were quickly forgotten.  All I could think about, all that existed, was that letter, the desk it sat upon, and ME.  Everything else melted away...

The standoff seemingly lasted for hours.  As time wore on, it became painfully obvious that leaving it unopened was not an option.  Go ahead Avri, blow your shit all the way the fuck up; you're an emotional cutter...I rolled my eyes; HARD.  I let out a deep, agonizing sigh.   I REALLY didn't want to.  Yet, that still small voice, the one that was forever going to be dangerously in love with Landon, just would not let me BE...I forced myself free of the trance it had me caught in, and jumped up from my desk.  I flung myself across the bed initially, not really knowing what to do next.  That lasted about a split second, a moment later, I was sitting on the floor in the center of my rug.  I was officially a wreck.  I peeked over at my desk; yup, the letter was still there...I secretly hoped it would grow legs and run away.  I smoked a joint; at a complete loss at what to do.  The sounds of Kinda Blue filled the room.  The bounce of Mile's laidback trumpet, and the cadence of the Jazzy cymbals was almost enough to carry me off to another place-almost.  The cannabis had provided  much needed calm and clarity...Bitch, we opening this letter!

Dear Avri,

It wasn't until I sat down to do this, that I began to truly understand the peace you find in writing.  The page is just there; opening and inviting; listening.  It doesn't judge, it doesn't stop your rants, or complain that you've said to much; it simply allows...anything; everything.  I found myself rambling on my first few tries.  I would lose myself, and then begin again.  I didn't realize how many words I had inside until I allowed them to come out.  I DO know you Avri, and the True way to your heart; and so here I am.  I don't really know what I want to say.  I mean, I know I have something to say to you; ALOT in fact, it just doesn't have a definitive beginning or end.  I know I miss you.  So, perhaps I should start there.  

That's simple enough, but I need to describe this, because it's like NOTHING I have ever felt.  As I'm writing this, I  can already see those bright, little eyes rolling, and hear that sound you make with the back of your throat when you think somebody's full of shit.  Forever cautious, I wouldn't expect anything less from you.  You have every right to be guarded, to protect yourself at all costs.  You're thinking about all the things I promised you that never came to fruition, making me a liar.  You're thinking about how, from day one, I demanded you give me your absolute ALL; and how I gave you absolutely nothing in return.  You're thinking about how the only thing you asked of me was to ensure you felt SAFE; ALWAYS; in ALL WAYS; and how I wasn't able to provide that.  Finally, I know you're thinking about how I walk away; how I punish you for the most insignificant things, and easily forgive those who truly hurt me, and allow them free access to my life.  I know you don't think I know, but I do.  Out of sheer audacity, and pure hope that the way we love each other is REAL, I am asking for your undivided attention, PLEASE.  I don't know why we do the things we do, or why we hurt the one we love the most, but I know I want that to end between you and I, once and for all.  I need to tell you what's happening inside of me...

Absolutely Nothing...it's just quiet.  I mean I'm here, I wake up everyday, I do my one-two, but that's it.  Literally.  I just DO it.  I'm not connected to ANY of it, in ANY way.  I'm never stationary, not even my thoughts.  I'm in a state of perpetual motion, with no way to stop.  My entire world is spinning, even in my sleep.  I tell myself that you're just another girl, that you don't matter, and that somebody else, ANYBODY else, can be you.  That almost works at times; then, your space fills up with empty.  It grows bigger and bigger, to the point to where it spills out into every part of me.  I'm starting to realize you aren't in my world anymore, and then, I'm sad.  It starts pressing; throbbing.  I start feeling something completely unrecognizable, which makes me uneasy.  I feel anger, grief, and hopelessness; all at once.  I'm being smothered from the inside...I can't breathe...Sleeping peacefully seems like a distant memory...Why did I have to deny what I was feeling?  Why am I here, again?  We separate, choosing alternate paths, only to end up at the same destination; face to face.  WTF are we doing?!

I made a decision, a long time ago, that Here, with You, is where I wanted to be, for as long as humanly possible.  In my mind, you wanted the same thing.  I know how you love me; I KNOW how you feel about me; There's no denying it-NOTHING is better.  That being said, I couldn't understand where we kept going wrong.  What was the problem?  Why wasn't this going my way?!  Suddenly, I realized.  You were never going to fit into any of those boxes I had designed for you.  I have absolutely no control over this situation.  Why didn't I just allow us to BE; free to expand and evolve?  Why was I so afraid of what we would become?  How do you define the personification of HOME?!  Avri, YOU ARE MY HOME.  It's nota physical place, it's a person; it's YOU.  I know you know.  I wish I could tell you that any of my behavior can be attributed to intoxication, and it's the real reason why I've been so shitty.  I wish it was the reason why I keep asking for what I can't give and kept you in a state where my feelings weren't apparent.  That's not true.  There's no excuse.  All I can do is apologize, and pray that you believe me when I say that I am done.  If I know anything about you Avri, it's that you remember the details of US.  Your short term memory may not be worth a damn, but you ALWAYS remember US.  I need you to remember that NOW...

I need you to go back to when you trusted me; Fully; Completely; FIRST; above anybody else.  Do you remember what that felt like?  I know you've spent the last few years trying to forget, but can you please try, just one more time, for me?!  Wait a minute, I digress; that is, if  YOU want to.  I know what I want; I've always known; even when I didn't.  Even when I thought my actions were taking me elsewhere, all roads lead back to Avri James.  I don't know about you my love, but I'm ready to find out what the Universe has in store for us.  Doing this without you doesn't have to be an option anymore.  We've been living in the shadow of our greatest unspoken fear, losing each other for good.  We fed this fear, making it real; to the point that it is the only thing standing between us.  You and I are not perfect people.  We are both Onery, Particular, and not very friendly when we feel our intelligence is being brought into question.  No more games Avri, no more bullshit.  I don't give a fuck about anybody or anything right now, just You and Me.  Stop pretending like I haven't always had your heart, because I am damn sure ready to stop pretending like you haven't always had mine.  I'm not playing when it comes to us anymore.  I should have never started in the first place... 

How can I expect you to believe me if I don't tell you?  How can I expect you to BELIEVE me, if I don't show you?  I'm committed to doing just that.  I Love You Avri.  I don't know what response I'm trying to prompt from you, or even what I'm asking really.  I feel like I'm just saying shit at this point, but I know you understand me.  You know what I'm feeling and are better able to put them into words than I am most times.  Can we just apologize, promise to always put each other first, and NEVER, NEVER give up?!  Start from Right Here; with nothing behind us, and everything ahead. I promise not to put up unnecessary walls; creating a safe space for you and your feelings, and you will do the same.  We are done walking away.  WE are worth EVERY fight.  Remember who the fuck you are.  Remember, you ARE me...I'm ready to Come Home.  I'll ne awaiting your response.  When you think about it, you'll know exactly where to find me...

PS. Don't play with me Avri, I'm Dead Serious.  One thing's for certain, two things for sure, you know I don't fuck around when it comes to how I feel about Avri James.  Wait too long, and I'll come and find you to get my answer.

I finally took a breath. I read the letter in its entirety, deathly afraid of letting air escape my lips.  The sudden expulsion from my lungs startled me, and I was at once made acutely aware of where I was once again.  My thoughts were non-linear, and completely incohesive.  I didn't know what was going on in my head.  I knew exactly what Landon was trying to say in his own non coherent way.  Nobody spoke Landon like me.  My mind focused on a memory of the two of us; It was our first standoff.  I had promised to call at a certain time when I was still living in Detroit, however, circumstances arose that prevented it from happening.  The following day, Landon wouldn't speak or respond to me for hours.  When we finally did speak later on that evening, he said, "I'm sorry, but you Love me too well, and I'm used to it now."  I had been on the verge of tears until that moment, because I actually understood precisely what he meant...  

I had spent the last several weeks trying to escape inevitability.  He was right.  Landon WAS my home, and I was His.  This was more than a fact; it was TRUTH.  Inescapable; All Consuming.  It was all that mattered.  I couldn't think of anything in that moment that could possibly hold me back.  I thought of all the years, and all the obstacles we overcame to now be here-with nothing but pride and stupidity between us.  There weren't any circumstances to blame.  It was time to grow up, and put away childish things.  If this is where you want to be, you had better fucking say so...But WAS it?  Before I knew it, I was wiggling out of my fuzzy socks, frantically scanning the floor for something to put on my feet.  I didn't know what I was doing, it was sheer instinct that propelled my actions.  My gaze floated towards my window; the street lamp glowing a soft orange.  It burned brightly, flooding Richmond with unnatural light.  A sudden calm rushed over me, and I walked over to the window.  Just below the street lamp, pensively parked at the curb, was Landon.  I smiled.  Something inside me KNEW he was there, even before I did.  Any apprehension that remained slipped away.  Whatever the outcome, I WANTED to know; come what may.  I was diving in, head first; only this time, Landon, was jumping WITH me...   

     

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