"Jodeci"

"You know you're EVERYTHING I do(OOoh Yea!)...Do what you want me to...Get on my knees for You (Oooh Baby)/What else is there to do?"

                                                     ~Jodeci Cry For You

People get weird when you step into the knowing of exactly who TF you are.  I've always been my own person, and moved like I was all I had to depend on.  I lost myself once in a relationship, and it felt like Euthanasia...The best ones are comprised of 2 entirely separate, whole individuals who share a like mind and heart.  Therefore, you are ALWAYS connected; eliminating the need to be constantly conjoined at the hip.  We are representations of each other; if you see him, you see me.  The amount of growth it took for me to arrive at that conclusion wasn't easy-it was slow death-and then, a rebirth...Liberating me in a way I didn't even think possible...It was an absolutely gorgeous Wednesday morning of Richmond, and the Sun was already calling my name, saying, "Yoga in the Park!"  Fantastic idea-Let's Do it!  I found myself answering aloud.  The neon blue lights of my electric kettle suddenly clicked off, indicating my water for tea was perfectly percolated and ready to be mixed.  Incense lit, and lofi jazz in the air, it had all the makings of a fantastic morning...

Fully energized, and freshly showered after Yoga in the park, I settled down to write for a while.  Fuck what you heard, intuition NEVER lies...In my Peace, I thought, perhaps I should put my phone on DND so that I can stay in this energy uninterrupted.  Some other random thought aggressively stormed in; making DND a distant memory.  45 minutes or so later, my phone began to violently vibrate; falling off my desk.  Being quickly reminded about the abandoned thought of DND, I rolled my eyes; HARD; kicking myself for forgetting.  FT-Eli.  OOOOhhh Eli!  Noooo!  I GOTTA write today!  Little did I know, it wasn't the ONLY thing that was about to be brought back to mind…Eli needed an death and rebirth of his own... My conscious quickly remined how emotionally fucked up it feels to be abandoned when you really need to talk.  I prayed to be an observant and objective listener(and a quick and concise conversation!) prior to answering.  "Yo!"  I answered brightly.  "Man hey Avri, where you at?   what you doing? you home?"  He said, sounding very down in the mouth.  "Well, two of your questions are essentially the same, would you like an answer to both?!"  I responded, jokingly.  "I'm glad you're in such a good mood, because I'm dying!"  Eli said dramatically.  I rolled my eyes again, bracing myself for whatever the latest catastrophe Eli had managed to conjure up in his mind.  If he thought he was dying, then it was most certainly about Sylvie.  "Nigga, what did you do THIS time?!"  I asked.  "Man, I don't even know man!  Idk what happened!"  He said exasperated.  "Aight then, start at the beginning, "  I said, "perhaps I can decipher this foolishness."  "I think Sylvie is OVER ME!"  He blurted out.  "Nigga, WHAT?!  No Way!  Why you saying that?!"  I exclaimed, trying to sound concerned, while simultaneously knowing that this was a completely false premise...

"Nah man, Avri, I'm for real.  I don't know what's going on.  I mean, we SEEM cool; but I just know something ain't right."  Eli whined.  "Use Your Words!  Remember, I don't know what's going on,  You still haven't said anything!"  I said gently with a smile.  Eli took a deep breath, then ran his hands across his face.  "Ok, so it's like, she's still mine, I know that, but why does this feel different ,almost like I don't know if I'm HERS.  Don't get me wrong, I know she loves me-that's not what I mean,         but something has changed.  I find myself second guessing everything...Shit I would NEVER question, like, does she wanna see me?  Does she want to come over?  I don't know!  I can't read her; it's like she's has completely disconnected from me emotionally."  HE finally concluded.  I closed the book I was writing in; I was officially out of the energy, and fully focused on Eli.  "Well can you tell me what triggered this specific episode?  Did you ask her out or something and she shut you down?! "  I inquired.  "No, that's just it, I called her, asked her if she wanted to come over, and she said Yes!"  He yelled at the screen.  I said nothing; hoping my dumbfounded expression conveyed what I was feeling since I had NO words...

"Listen Eli, I love you, but my patience has had it up to here with this conversation!"  It was like pulling teeth..."Avri, you just don't GET it; something is OFF with our connection.  She doesn't call or text me to see if I made it in the house, she doesn't ask to hang out, she doesn't even ask to SEE me, she doesn't cook for me anymore or even offer, makes all of her plans for special occasions without me.  When things happen in her life, I haven't been the first one to hear about it since God knows when!  I don't even know when she's free, she doesn't say ANYTHING!  I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HER PERSON!"   He screamed at me.  I took 3 deep breaths; praying that my response be guided; communicating precisely what Eli needed to hear in the moment.  "Yo, listen, and I want you to let me finish before you respond...

I have BEEN here; since the beginning of you two.  As your best friend who happens to be a woman, it gives me a unique vantage point.  You say Sylvie is your person, but you DO realize that's more than something to say when asked; it's supposed to be an action.  Eli, you outsource every aspect of your life.  You call your Mom to do this.  Your sister is handling THAT for you.  Your niece is doing XYZ, while your call your cousin to discuss something else altogether different.  You're go here with this one, making plans to do whatever, or doing that with the next.  You have Bennett to call and call you to ensure that you get in OK.  You barely stop long enough to hold a cohesive conversation, that is unless you're in some sort of panic.  OH! and best of all, You contact ME when you're falling apart.  Did I leave anything out?!  Ain't No Way In Hell that girl can feel like your person  If all she's giving you is calm compliance, consider yourself lucky because it couldn't be ME.  How can she be your person?!  What space have you created and held for her?!" 

Eli didn't know, but I had already spoken to Sylvie like 2 months prior.  She was very frustrated, and completely over Eli and his bullshit.  It was ask that I kept the conversation confidential-in which case I could not agree until I had the full story-but it turned out that she had just had enough, and was ready to feel like more than an afterthought.  She poured her heart out through painful tears; talking about how much she loved him over everything-yet,  she just could not reconcile her place in his life.  Everything I laid out for Eli, came straight from Sylvie.  Because I knew his heart, all I could respond was that he loves her too, but he's an emotionally unintelligent Dick! I encouraged her to talk to him about how she felt-it shouldn't be a secret.  She  vehemently opposed that idea.  "Oh no, I'm not doing that.  We don't talk about the way we feel anymore; especially about each other.  That's gonna be a NO.  Nah, if he doesn't need me as his person, then cool.  I don't need to be.  Whatever happens, Happens."  She said, more than exhausted by the entire situation.  Judging from this frantic call I was currently engaged in, she stuck to her guns, and Eli was starting to feel it...

So what you tryna say Avri, I'm not shit because I have a village behind me?"  He said, immediately becoming defensive.  "No, not at all.  I pointed out a clear fact.  How can you expect her to know and feel like you're person if you're not doing anything to reserve that space in your life for HER?!  It's supposed to be SACRED; a place that not even I or Bennett can go.  What part of you is ONLY for Sylvie?!  That's what she needs to see; EVERY chance you get.  Otherwise, you're just A person, and you get treated like one; no one special at all."  "Whose friend are you supposed to be anyway?!"  He shot back.  "I mean, you right, but ion have to like it!"  Eli muttered under his breath, but he did perk up a little.  "So you think it's really that simple?  You don't think she's entertaining some other dude, and that's the real reason why she don't seem beat for me no more?" he asked, concerned.  "Don't confuse Sylvie with me.  I said It couldn't be ME; Sylvie, however, is clearly willing to continue to partake in whatever fuckery you seem fit to dish out.  She seems determined to hold out hope that one day, you will get your shit together.  I don't have that kinda patience homie, you cannot continuously make me feel unnecessary.  If I emotionally disconnect, then I'm already gone."  I said.  "Why TF you think I'm reeling right now; I KNOW you'd be gone."  He said, putting his head down on the table... 

 "For the life of me, I cannot understand why you put yourself and this girl through so many changes.  WTF are you doing?!"  I said.  "It's complicated Avri, don't start!"  I couldn't believe this nigga.  "Exactly.  and THAT'S why you don't if she even fucks wit you like that anymore, and you know what,  GOOD FOR YOU!"  I said flippantly; rolling my eyes.  "Look, the next time you call me, it better be with Sylvie, and you better be telling me you stood on some REAL business, not the imaginary kind that exists somewhere in the future.  You about to loose her NOW; and for good this time.  Stop sucking so hard!  Then the BOTH of you can stop reeling.  All you can do is correct your OWN actions.  Create real space for Sylvie, keep it ONLY FOR HER, and make sure she knows it.  If she matters to you, ACT like it."  "Aight bet.  I'm all fixed now; let's talk about You, Avri James.  You look a mess.  WTF was you doing before I called?!"

That night, I made my way back to the park to watch the moonrise over the city.  I laid on my hill, gazing up at the sky; replaying the conversation from earlier with  Eli in my head.  My boy was so concerned that Sylvie was emotionally gone.  I thought, "maybe I should have told him about our conversation, it would have helped to ease his mind."  But no, I had managed to convey the gist of her grievance without betraying girl code.  I knew they both loved each other, and so the right thing to do was to encourage Eli to talk to her himself.  At some point, he would have to put away childish things if he wanted to keep Sylvie around.  Besides, I had only broken Girl Code for One Man (Landon, that is!), and I wasn't about to switch up now!😎  Half and hour later, I was soaking in the tub in one of my most decadent bath teas with candle lit, and ambient sounds of the rainforest filled the air.  I eased back onto my bath pillow and closed my eyes.  Suddenly, my phone lit up; Landon..."Yo, Lightskin, what's that craziness you just sent me talking about you not bout to text me no more?!"  Lol, right on time...