Safe

 

It's amazing how the psyche works; it will go to fantastic lengths to protect us from pain.  My mind was constantly doing this without me being aware.  Each day, these walls would come up, fortifying me, and blocking me from my feelings for Landon.  I didn't allow myself to feel ANYTHING for him on a daily basis.  They were too strong.  It was like trying to take hold of the wind-they were a force of nature.  No matter what I tried to do, they just continued to GROW...The only way to deal is to ignore them altogether.  Every once in a while, it's too much, and it all comes spilling out-in the nastiest ways.  Sometimes I shock myself with what I'm capable of saying.  Afterwards, I feel both better AND horrible simultaneously.  It's like a much needed release, but then I'm embarrassed because I lost it.  I absolutely HATE not being in control of my emotions, but the fact that I let Landon see it, really burns me up!  I used to beat myself up, wondering why I couldn't hold my shit together-wondering why lash out on him, when all I was trying to do was put as much distance between us as possible...

It was simple-because I was IN Love.  To understand, you have to first comprehend the distinction...The concept of Love isn't complicated at all.  It's a FEELING that we assign to the things and people that bring us joy.  It's meant to be shared, spread, and  to connect us in a way that can only be expressed by mutual reciprocation.  This type of Love refers simply to the word, and encompasses all that makes you happy; which is why it is so easily communicated.  To be IN LOVE, however, is something else entirely.  It can ONLY exist in a singular form.  It is meant for one person in particular, and CANNOT be transferred, no matter how hard you try.  It's not a conscious choice-and the more you try to apply convention to it, the less sense it makes.  Attempting to talk myself out of it on a daily basis was NOT going to do the trick.  I LOVED him, point blank period.  I acted that way because I'm trying to convince myself otherwise.  As long as I kept suppressing it, my subconscious was going to be on the defense.  I had to find a way to finally accept what was happening to me.  I had to understand that it all came from the same place.  As long as Landon and I were going to keep running around like we didn't have real feelings for each other, this was going to keep happening.  I just wanted to SCREAM!!!  It was true, this thing we had between us, was really going to be forever.  Maybe, just maybe, I needed to stop fighting so hard, looking for an exit.  Perhaps the only way to get over this, was to go THROUGH it...

I have always been super apprehensive when it comes to showing my hand.  I'm too afraid of what my honesty will bring.  I've also had my feelings thrown back in my face and used as a weapon too many times to feel safe enough to reveal them willingly.  My issue when it comes to Landon is they just won't die!  They are too big and too important; maintaining an ego and life of it's own.  They touch every aspect of my life and make it all feel so much BETTER.  It's like my mind can't rationalize why I'm not doing everything in my power to get back to that place?!  Why was I intentionally going against what I felt?  Why was I fighting so hard to get away from him?  FEAR.  Bottom line.  I just couldn't sit back and wait for him to hurt me like he did before.  EVERYTHING that was happening was a defense mechanism.  PTSD.  I had to protect myself from going through that kind of pain at all costs-even if it meant pushing the only man I have ever been IN Love with far away.  Vulnerability makes me feel weak.  All this weirdness between he and I made me doubt US.  It was the easiest, most natural thing in the world.  We had no secrets, and couldn't stand any strange energy lingering, so we would always HAVE to say something-regardless of what it was.  That place was a mental paradise for Landon and I, and there was nothing better-for either of us.  Then, suddenly, just like that, it all changed; shattering my trust in what we had; sending me spiraling.  It's like some crazy  ass dream where he lost all sense of who I am and I'm desperately fighting the entire time to help him find his way back.  This is foreign to me; I don't know how to exist in this space...

I'm not sure where that trust went, I just know it needs to come back-on both sides.  We never needed unnecessary labels or protocols when it came to he and I because we always had THAT.  The complete understanding that we belong to one another; inside and out.  It was more than enough for he and I, and what has been missing.  Knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt that the person you undeniably Love feels exactly the same without question is PRICELESS, and EVERY soul deserves to have that kind of peace.  "Love is patient, Love is kind..."-it is also the most powerful force on Earth, with the capability to make ANYTHING happen.  "With great power comes great responsibility"; use wisely...