Reminisce

Well, I wasn't TECHNICALLY taking Adonis anywhere-he was already coming to room with Darien; HOWEVER, I did agree to take him up on his relentless offers to spend time together.  He knew all about my emotional unavailability being at a negative zero since we became friends, and by this time was well- versed in all the imaginary drama between Landon and I.  Adonis has developed an amazing amount of patience and self-control when it came to me.  When I finally gave him the news that I had decided to go on the ski trip alone, it was all he could do to hide his excitement; but he managed to keep his composure...it was sweet.  It completely put me at ease, and any remaining apprehension melted away.   I actually started to get excited, and looked forward to going.

A trip anywhere is an opportunity to live your best life; ergo my favorite part is the packing process!!  Thinking of what to wear for each event; getting to imagine what it looks and feels like long before it happens; it's like actually getting to do it twice!  I was so busy with the start of the new semester, I didn't even start packing till about 48 hrs before we were leaving.  Since we were staying a week, my go-to overnight bag just wouldn't do; I was going to need my small suitcase.  "Think Avri; when was the last time you saw it?!"  That would be move in; which meant it was on the patio inside my over sized red duffel bag.  I ventured to the balcony to retrieve it.  It was just where I left it.  I reached for the handles to pull the bag out, and took hold of the airport baggage claim tag that ripped in my hands as I yanked on the bag with both hands to dislodge it.  It was from the time I came come to Richmond for a few days; and the very first time I had truly been alone with Landon...

I sank down into my wicker chair; remembering...every feeling, thought, ALL of it.  It was absolutely amazing.  I sat there, for what felt like forever; completely overcome by the memory.  I could still recall all the initial nervous conversations we had leading up to that trip; ESPECIALLY the one where we both threw caution to the wind, and really TALKED about the way we felt.  It was my favorite, and most meaningful conversation to date...I had come back home after spending a few weeks on Richmond last Summer.  Up until that point, Landon and I had not seen each other for quite some time.  We had gone our separate ways, doing whatever; basically just going through the motions with other people.  Two days prior to me leaving, we SAW one another...Needless to say, we were right back where we left off by the end of that 48 hours.  We were back in full swing-even with me being three states away-as if no time had passed at all.  One day while I was in the park talking to him, he reminded me of the start of a very important conversation that we never got to finish...

It was about the 1st time he told me he loved me, and I didn't respond.  This had been on my heart since it happened, and thought of how this moment would play out for as long as I can remember.  Where I thought there would be anxiety and apprehension, instead, it was the most natural, honest conversation I had ever been able to have with a man.  He wanted to know why; and it wasn't because he didn't think I felt the same-on the contrary- he KNEW I did.  Before I could stop myself, my mouth was communicating exactly what was on my heart.  I told him, in that moment, I felt it more than I EVER had.  We had so much controversy surrounding us that I was afraid it was temporary, and, when it was all said and done, he wouldn't choose me.  I just couldn't be hurt by him in that way; it would be something I could never get over.  All I ever wanted was him to know exactly how I felt, and that it would NEVER change.  I wasn't going to live in fear anymore, and I was GOING to take the risk because it's WORTH IT...

I knew from that moment forward that I was DEFINITELY giving myself to this man, and there would be no turning back...When I came back to Richmond a few months later, we disappeared; and existed ONLY for each other; the way it was supposed to be.  I had been sitting in that wicker chair on the patio in a daze, recollecting the whole experience, tag still in hand.  For the first time since we went our separate ways, I was smiling at the thought of Landon.  When I snapped out of it, I found myself hurriedly trying to remember WTF I was doing in the first place.  "Oh shit, I'm supposed to be packing!"  I jumped out of the chair, grabbed the suitcase, and went back inside to finish what I started.  It was time to embark on my next great adventure...