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Charleville 9200

"Why you take me up this high?  /Just to put a hole in my Parachute /So I would fall for you /And why you let us get this low? /When you know I'd give up my life for you /Ride and I'll die for you, I...Say do you remember? /Back when shit was good /2 kids in the night /We were so Alive..."                                                                                 Snoh Aalegra You know, we all talk endlessly about happiness; more specifically, what we need to achieve it.  In actuality, it's something that emanates from within.  There is not one thing outside of yourself that can contribute to your personal happiness in any way.  We obsess over the details of our lives in an attempt to place the blame of unrealized potential on anything  else...except You's just you  stopping you, and   Nothing  else.  Focusing on you, you're able to see all the methods of self-sabotage that we participate in, which is why we don't like to analyze ourselves. 
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  It was just before dawn, and I was wide awake...Landon's words about learning one another played in my head like a verse on repeat; I couldn't stop thinking about them.  He was right; on sooo  many levels.  We had spent so much time building and maintaining our own individual identities, I didn't realize we had spent hardly any  on our collective one.  Landon and I had no idea how to be in an actual relationship with the adult versions of ourselves.  I mean, technically, we had One Summer-as children-that's it.  He and I had been separated for a long time; one that saw us transition from kids to adults.  When we came back together, we only focused on the things that remained the same; giving little to no regard for all the things that had changed.  In all actuality, neither one of us had any idea of what the adult versions of us were even really like... Come to think of it, I couldn't remember the last time we had spent an entire day together...shit, had we ever? 

The Sentinel

  " It's not that I don't want you here, It's something about the way you stare into my eyes/I know that I don't make things clear, I fall for you every time I try to resist you..."                                                  Snoh Aalegra~ I Want You Around The more I live, the more I realize that our intended purpose in this particular lifetime is to simply observe-especially when it comes to ourselves.  Life itself is a living, breathing entity with a mind of its own; determined to express its most authentic self...with little to no interference from me.  It's becoming obvious, painfully, at times, that it still  happens... Life , that is; whether you choose to engage or not.  I came to this conclusion when it came to other people rather quickly; understanding that they really don't care what you think, they are just looking for validation in their own beliefs.  So I found it no great burden to make the comfortable shift to the background of the


Those of us currently walking the planet who are truly blessed, will have people in are lives who are the reflections of who we truly are.  If we are lucky enough, we see ourselves, and embrace this; even when what's being reflected back isn't a show of our finest hour.  For whatever reason, I seemed to be this mirror (completely unsolicited AND unwanted, BTW!) for almost everyone in my life.  The funny thing is, they ALL seemed to know  it.  I was always expected to have some profound incite into what was happening in their lives.  Then there are the ones that just keep their distance altogether because they're afraid I'll see something that they're hiding from the rest of the world.    I don't want to be involved with anyone's  shit!  As a matter of fact, I actively go around avoiding others because I have no desire to emmesh myself.  I have a mirror too; Landon.  I know all too well how hard it can be to face yourself, realizing that You are your only rea

Pieces of Me

  " It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real, I like the way that feels...its as if you know me better than I ever knew myself, I love how you can tell, all the pieces, pieces, pieces of me..."                                                          ~ Ashlee Simpson I Like me; ALOT.  I love how my mind works, the way I think about all the possibilities before making a decision.  Overall, I'm pretty satisfied with my choices, and prepared to deal with any fallout that may come.  I don't have secrets; if you don't know, then it's none of your business.  That goes Double  for my personal life.  It's between Me, and the other party involved- that's it.  The less people involved, the less explanation you have to offer when things change.  I never complain, never explain.  If you want to mess with me, you have to be willing to accept the fact that I change my mind; OFTEN.   It's a get down, or lay down situation; very cut and dry.  Lan


My most profound thoughts always come to me at night...I'll wake up, just a little while before it comes to mind; pieces at a time.  It came as no surprise when I found my eyes drowsily opening sometime after 2am.  I had a Hell of a past few days, and there hadn't been a moment to catch my breath, let alone think.  I lay perfectly still in an effort not to disturb Landon.  He looked so peaceful and calm; I wondered what he was dreaming about.  Slowly but surely, the slivers of epiphany began to take form.  There was no anxiety, no tangled mess of emotion and thought...just warmth; and an indescribable feeling of being exactly where I was supposed to be.  All I can do is feel .  Honestly, I was afraid to do anything else...afraid that I would lose this feeling; that it would somehow fade because it wasn't real?   What if I was dreaming all of this, and Landon wakes up tomorrow, and changes his mind?!  This , was brand new; some place we had never  been.  Did he even know  ho


  "Why give up before we try/ Feeling the lows before the highs/clip our wings before we FLY AWAY??!!/I can't say I came prepared/I'm suspended in the air...." Un-Thinkable -Alicia Keys Standing at my window, letter still in hand, I peered out at the Batmobile.  Here I was, physically holding everything I wanted Landon.  All I EVER needed from him, was to embrace US, and what that really meant to him.  He was definitely on point in saying he knew the way to my heart.  His choice to write a letter was masterful too.  Landon wanted it to be tangible; something I could physically hold ; making it REAL .  Diabolical; but I can appreciate the genius.  Gazing out my window, I was now processing every word that was written, in real time, fighting the urge to run straight to him and say fuck ANY and EVERYTHING else.  The only thing I knew for certain was that I was going  outside, one way or the other.  I wasn't going to run from this ever again; I was ready to deal wi