Skip to main content


Showing posts from 2020


  ' By the time I got to the end of Grove St, I had all but convinced myself I was ready to go in and talk to him.  I looked down at my watch.  I had been gone over an hour already.  It I was going to slip back in undetected, now was my chance.  My phone hadn't rang, which meant he immediately went back to sleep after our brief call.  He might not even remember I wanted to have a conversation.  Stop marking time Avri.  Go handle your business.  I eventually wandered back to my dorm; as I placed my key in the door, I heard Landon's voice on the other side; he was on the phone.  So much for avoiding detection!  I felt my throat begin to close-he's going to ask me what's up as soon as I walk in.  I took a deep breath, and pushed the door open slowly.  I peered inside, and found Landon fully engrossed in a conversation with Jaxson about whatever they were both watching.  His laughter immediately put me at ease, as I slipped out of my jacket, and hung it on the back of m


  "Do you remember the time when you gave your Ex money for her birthday while you were still together and I was so upset?!  My energy immediately changed, and you knew something was wrong.  That's what happened to you thee other day when I mentioned Adonis's part in our story.  You didn't speak to me for days.  If you need to say something, then you should.  We aren't the type of individuals   to hold things back.  Everything we do effects both of us.  You holding on to shit for dear life, pointing out and obsessing over every aspect of the situation, only able to see my faults.  Not wanting to own any responsibility is a very childish, victim mentality.  For months, I have taken your lead, letting you control the situation, and just going with the flow.  All that has resulted from that IS my fault, I let it all happen.  Everything that has happened is in direct response to your behavior.  We are each operating exactly as you designed it; you should be thrilled. 


  There are times in life when the clouds part, and the sun shines directly on you.  It's just something about the way that beam of light glistens, and you know; it was meant just for you.  Nothing in the world could ruin that moment.  That's the way I would describe how it feels when Landon and I are together.  We truly exist outside of space and time.  I was sitting at my desk, staring down at the same blank page that had been staring back at me for the past two hours.   Landon was on my bed, completely engrossed in whatever he was watching.  I couldn't focus, I was thinking about the conversation we had that morning.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we had it...Now, all I wanted to do was TALK to him...tell him everything he missed; all the things I wanted to say when I couldn't.  Funny thing, ever since we got back from looking at rings, he seemed to be completely at peace.  I'm definitely not trying to rock any boats.  I just wish the old Avri confidence h

Face 2 Face

  I opened my eyes to find my head buried against Landon's chest.  I couldn't quite see his face, but the sound of his voice said he was wide awake; and had been for quite some time.  "Good Morning," I mumbled groggily.  "What time did you finally finish?!"  There was a momentary pause, then Landon answered.  "Well, I left around 5, but as far as finishing..." His voice trailed off, as if he was someplace else entirely.  I sat up in bed and asked, "What's the matter?!  What happened?!"  I was now fully awake, anticipating whatever fuckery he was about to lay on me.  "I met a clown after you left."  That I wasn't ready for.  Even though Adonis was adamant about approaching Landon, I never thought they would actually speak!  "What is blowing my shit right now is his level of comfort in approaching and questioning me about ANYTHING pertaining to us!"  Landon said.  I could tell this was one of those situations tha

The Quick and the Dead: A Landon Perspective

  As fantastic as the weekend was, it was time to go back to school--I really wasn't feeling it...sitting in my car in front of Avri' house, I almost thought about hitting the turnpike in the opposite direction and just never going back.  I had shit on my mind.  Avri appeared in the doorway; 'I wonder if she would be down to run away with me', I thought.  "Hey!"  Avri said, as she slid into the seat next to me; a full smile on her face.  I don't know what my face said, I was in mid-thought.  The past few months had been Hell for Avri and me; I just could not take one more thing.  WTF did she mean he wants to talk to me?!  I don't like this...  Who was this clown?  Where did he come from?!  Oh yea, from me... I was the one who told her to date some other people; to enjoy being unattached.  Funny thing is, I said it, I just didn't think she would actually DO it!!  Note to self, from now on, stop saying shit you don't mean!  I want to be upset; ma

Where the Heart Is

             I haven't been home in quite some time...whenever I feel like I'm disconnected, going back to Richmond is always the perfect reset.  It was time for our annual block party, and Landon was NOT about to miss it; I was actually looking forward to it.  I put that foolishness with Adonis behind me and just went on as if nothing happened.  What reason did I have to think that they would ever REALLY talk?! I kept that in my mind, almost completely convinced.  Now that were back on track to being Avri and Landon again, we were seeing a lot more of each other; making it completely possible that the two could cross paths.  A weekend at home was just what we needed; some place familiar where we could just relax, reconnect, and just be US for a change. We decided to drive home.  It was going to be just the two of us for the next two hours-now was as good a time as any to talk to him about the events of the last couple of weeks.  No Secrets-living my truth with Landon HAD to be


              Sometimes, it's as if my intuition can sense Landon, long before my mind knows what's happening...I don't really know how to explain it, but it's like everything perfectly syncs around me whenever he is close.  Take for instance the phone conversation with Adonis this morning; ALL my fault.  Here I was, lying on the floor, staring at my ceiling, trying to figure out how Adonis had arrived at the conclusion that he should "confront" Landon about his feelings for me.  I replayed the entire conversation over in my mind...I guess I could have done a better job at de-escalating, but, like I said, something inside me inevitably knows when he's near, and I inadvertently transform.  Some slick shit slips out before I even realize it.  Regardless of how precisely you express your non-feelings for someone, it still hurts when the desires of your heart are not reciprocated. I took an especially long time getting dressed for the day and head over to the

I Need To Know

              Being of two minds is no way to live...Still mostly wrapped up in the dream I just stepped out of, I answered the phone.  Already indifferent, because I knew who it was, and it WASN'T who I wanted it to be.  That dream had given me life; confirmation of something I have known since as long as I could remember.  Now that it had been fully realized, I was no longer beat for anything (or ANYONE!) that wasn't going to get me there.  I had been especially careful the entire time I had been dating Adonis to keep any and all emotional attachment at bay in an attempt to avoid making him a Casualty of War.  He, on the other hand, was doing everything in his power to show me he deserved a real shot.  It's definitely a noble pursuit, but also a frivolous one.  The way I loved Landon transcended all of space and time, and would be EXACTLY the same in ANY lifetime.  No matter WHO, or WHAT, or WHEN, it would ALWAYS be Him.  I'm choosing Landon REGARDLESS.  Adonis had de

Avri In Wonderland

                          Do you know what it's like to wake up from a dream that felt more real than anything in conscious life?  That's exactly how I had been feeling lately.  The past few months have passed by in fog; like I haven't really been here.  I mean, I totally know what's happening, I'm even engaging; but for some reason, none of it seemed tangible.  Sometimes I feel like all of my energy is being utilized to force myself to remain present.  It's a constant; from one second to the next; work to maintain this version of life that I am quickly losing all interest in maintaining.  I couldn't get the dream out of my mind; even while I was having my moment.   I suddenly realized just how necessary the bullshit of the past few months had been in me coming full circle.  But anyway, I digress; down the rabbit hole we go to decipher yet another layer of Avri... My dream began at the start of a sunny country road that diverged into two different paths shor

The Calm Before the Storm

                      I remember writing this poem when I was 13 years old called, "The Quiet Storm".  It was about how being alone in the dark felt like drowning.  I vividly described how the water was slow, creeping, menacing.  That's the most accurate description of how the situation between Landon and I works, and how it wreaks emotional havoc.  As long as there is no contact, I can emotionally function normally for the most part.  It's like I get to a point before there was a he and I, and I'm good with that.  I don't really miss him, I rarely think of him, and I'm happy.  We don't need to speak or see each other; its OK to have completely separate lives.  The rub when it comes to encountering your twin flame is that separation is only an some point, you are always thrown back together, shattering the entire spectacle. That night after Landon left my dorm, I went to the party feeling totally FREE.  I had a great time, and was excited


             Do you know that feeling you get when you buy EXACTLY what you want and get to wear it for the 1st time?  That's the best way to describe what I have been feeling since my trip to the mountains.  I couldn't have had a better time!  It was everything I could have hoped for.  I had plenty of time for me; able to catch up on my reading and writing.  I had the chance to hang out with my best friend, walk/hike, AND even had the chance to work a date in! lol  It's the kind of trip you hate to come back from, because you know your real life is right there waiting at your front door; awaiting your arrival.  Oh well, no time like the present to put the old shit aside, and focus on the new... A new semester meant a fresh course load and a laundry list of new activities that kick off in the Spring.  I found myself in the Student Union; staring at the marquee where all the latest meeting schedules were listed.  Columbiana Productions would be pretty dormant for the rest of

A Mid-Winter Night's Dream

              After our morning walk, we both agreed to spend the day with our respective housemates; I think we both wanted a little time with individual best friends to discuss the past few days' events.  Katrina didn't usually rise until after 10, so I had plenty of time to decompress.  The more I thought about it, I started to feel like I DIDN'T want to talk about what was happening between Adonis and I; I just wanted to keep it for myself as long as possible.  The more people who knew seemed to somehow diminish how special it was.  Right now, it was JUST US.  I wanted that feeling to last.  A few minutes later, a half-sleep Katrina appeared in my doorway.  She immediately re-located to my bed... "I hope you grow out of this 'rise and  shine' foolishness; especially for vacation!" Katrina said, face buried in one of my pillows.  "Well, there's someone around who shares your affinity for ungodly hours; I heard you and Adonis outside my window t

Flash Forward: The Twin Flame Connection

              One of the things I get the most comments on when it comes to Avri James and Landon is about the Twin Flame Connection, what are my thoughts on it, and most importantly, do I believe in it.  Most of you guys out there want to know whether or not I consider what Avri and Landon have a TFC, and WHEN would it come into play in their story...Ask and ye shall receive!  By request, an anecdote from Avri and Landon that addresses just that; I hope it provides the strength needed to hold out for it ALL... There was ONE time, when I could no longer deny the TFC; and I knew for sure it was real...I lived out of state for a while and had been seeing someone else.  Landon and I hadn't seen each other for a time, and had been living separate lives.  I had been coming and going, but ours paths just never seemed to cross.  One day, my family attended this baby shower.  I chose not to, as I didn't know the intended at all.  After it was over, my aunt stopped by, giving me a rundo


                  I didn't sleep a wink that night.  I laid awake, replaying our kiss in my head.  We parted ways without addressing his statement.  There wasn't really a need to.  There was soo much more justice in that silence than talking could ever give.  I knew, eventually, a conversation WOULD be had...but for now, our kiss was enough for the both of us.  I was too elated by the fact that someone else had kissed me, and I actually FELT something.  I was much too preoccupied to worry about trifles.  We still had 48 hours left, and I planned on spending them ensuring last night wasn't a dream.  Even though I had decided to date Adonis, I wasn't entirely sure what that meant.  In any case, I had chosen to entertain it; that I knew for sure.   The sun began to kiss the sky just after 5:30 am, and I could no longer sit still; I ad to get up.  Yoga and tea were calling my name; it was time to start my day.  I crept passed Katrina's door as quietly as possible, out i