Skirts

 

There are times in life when the clouds part, and the sun shines directly on you.  It's just something about the way that beam of light glistens, and you know; it was meant just for you.  Nothing in the world could ruin that moment.  That's the way I would describe how it feels when Landon and I are together.  We truly exist outside of space and time.  I was sitting at my desk, staring down at the same blank page that had been staring back at me for the past two hours.   Landon was on my bed, completely engrossed in whatever he was watching.  I couldn't focus, I was thinking about the conversation we had that morning.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we had it...Now, all I wanted to do was TALK to him...tell him everything he missed; all the things I wanted to say when I couldn't.  Funny thing, ever since we got back from looking at rings, he seemed to be completely at peace.  I'm definitely not trying to rock any boats.  I just wish the old Avri confidence had returned along with our magic.  I really don't like feeling like there's something I can't say to Landon.  It's the OCD; it just won't let me rest!  I glanced over at him, wondering what he was thinking.  It amazes me sometimes how differently men and women think.  Here I was, completely starved for his attention, practically bursting at the seams because of all the time apart.  He was just sitting there; perfectly happy not to be engaging with me...not a care in the world.  Why couldn't my mind work like that?!  Our separation had created this strange rift between us that made it extremely hard to say what was on my mind.  I couldn't stand it.  I didn't want to be over here, sitting in this chair.  I wanted to be over there, on the bed with Landon; in his lap, totally ignoring whatever he was watching.  Had I been there, this page would not still be blank.  I felt like I couldn't get close enough to him to satisfy me.  With how I'm feeling, I won't be till I'm able to climb inside his chest and stay there.  Generally, by the time my anxiety had reached this level of crazy, Landon would have picked up on it without me having to say a word, and brought me back from the edge.  Today, while he binged watched "HER", he was off his game...

I started to feel indifference rising up from the pit of my stomach...WTF is your problem Avri?!  if you want to talk to him about absolutely nothing, then open your mouth and SAY SOMETHING!  Better yet, if you want to be over there in his lap, then why aren't you?!  IDK universe, it's still mad weird; I mean, I don't feel like I have the right anymore-if that makes any sense.  I thought the funny business would all be over once we had a serious conversation.  Well, for Landon, it worked like a charm.  As for me, I yearned to get even closer to him.  I wanted this invisible barrier dissolved.  I could hear my higher self whispering in my sub-conscious, "Rome wasn't built in a day my Love.  You guys have been through so much emotionally."  I hear you Boo, and I totally get that-The only problem is, I HAVE NO PATIENCE!!!!  I waited, waited, and waited some more until he was finally ready.  I CANNOT wait another minute!  Another question, "Bro, why did it take the interest of another man for this much-needed conversation to take place?!  What would have happened if you hadn't seen each other that night?!  Would you have even attempted to replace my ring?!  It's ALL your fault higher self; you told me to practice patience, so in the meantime, my mind is finding any and ALL minute details to fixate on.  At one point in time, I would have thought he was over there inside his head too; now, I'm just not sure... 

It's tough to nail down emotions in any case.  It's even harder when a pre-conceived expectation is already in place.  I wouldn't be all over the place if I didn't already know what it felt like for us to be in perfect sync.  What we had going on right now just seemed like a watered down version of the truth.  This isn't what I wanted.  I deserve it ALL.  I didn't want to be pacified, or given some incomplete version of what IS in order to keep me in a certain space.  The more I sat with my own thoughts, the more apparent it became that I had gone into the situation with my eyes wide shut.  I had thrown caution to the wind, and recklessly put myself back in the same position I was in months ago.  Nothing had changed.  If it has, and I'm the one being extra right now, then whatever.  I KNOW what I feel.  There's just NO WAY I'm wrong.  I could feel my anger rising to the surface.  All of the work I had done on myself-the amazing strides I had made to separate myself from Landon...and I was right back to being an afterthought?!  I couldn't sit at that desk a minute longer.  I got up, crossed the room, and quietly put on my shoes.  Landon had dozed off.  I slowly opened the door, slipped out, and closed it soundlessly behind me.  I stood for a moment or two, listening.  I didn't want to be followed, I just wanted to be alone...

It felt like it had been forever since I had taken a walk at night.  What had become my new norm for the past several months had recently been disrupted.  Standing still for a minute or two, I closed my eyes to breathe it all in.  Escape had been my only viable option.  Had I sat in that room with Landon for another second, I may have said something I didn't mean.  And what was that all about Avri, this whole "peacekeeper" mentality?!  "You're a CATALYST bitch!!  You do not sit idly by and allow shit to just happen that you don't agree with.  You and Landon included..."  The Truth; I'm AFRAID.  Too afraid to say what's bothering me because it may backfire, and we stop communicating altogether.  Don't get me wrong, I KNOW there will always be an US.  It's just the VERSION that worries me.  At the end of the day though, honestly, I'm just not interested in any other of Avri and Landon outside of the one that has me LEVITATING!!  Figuratively, of course; but dammit if the feelings are strong enough to produce the real thing!!  There is just no substitute for that.  The night air was cool and crisp against my face.  I closed my eyes again and took a deep breath.  I decided I wouldn't return to my room till I had fully had it out with myself, and was ready to tell Landon about my worries and fears.  Bottom line, he can't address the way I feel if he doesn't know.  Right now, our Wonder Twin powers were on the fritz, so he couldn't exactly read my mind.  He was going to need my help to say the words; he has no idea how vital they are to my happiness with him...

FUCK!!!  When did I become so emotionally evolved?!  I don't want to!!  Why does it always feel like I am the one putting myself out there?!  Even when I don't have the words, I still jump right the fuck in, face first.  Pride be damned.  Funny thing about love, there's just no room for shame.  STILL!!! I mean, when is Landon gonna make a fool of himself for me, trying his hardest to communicate his undying love for me in an inaudible jumble?!  I was going to pull my skirt down and OWN this one.  Don't worry, Landon's time will come...