Inside

 

"Do you remember the time when you gave your Ex money for her birthday while you were still together and I was so upset?!  My energy immediately changed, and you knew something was wrong.  That's what happened to you thee other day when I mentioned Adonis's part in our story.  You didn't speak to me for days.  If you need to say something, then you should.  We aren't the type of individuals   to hold things back.  Everything we do effects both of us.  You holding on to shit for dear life, pointing out and obsessing over every aspect of the situation, only able to see my faults.  Not wanting to own any responsibility is a very childish, victim mentality.  For months, I have taken your lead, letting you control the situation, and just going with the flow.  All that has resulted from that IS my fault, I let it all happen.  Everything that has happened is in direct response to your behavior.  We are each operating exactly as you designed it; you should be thrilled.  I have sat silently, accepting shit, and going with this decidedly dumb-ass flow for fear of losing you.  At this point, everything I thought we were has been be-littled and pissed away, therefore, nothing to lose.  I'm not chasing anymore, that stops here.  The choice to keep on running is totally up to you.  I'm all in, and have been from day one.  I don't know what else to say or do to convince you otherwise.  I figured out, at long last, that was never something I was meant to do.  That's YOUR issue to deal with.  The truth of the matter is, I was ALWAYS yours, but you were NEVER mine.  Love isn't complicated, it's the simplest, most understood concept in the Universe.  There's nothing we do to earn or deserve it, it just IS."

A round of applause for Ms. Avri James and that sensational monologue!   Now all I have to do is work up the nerve to SAY it to Landon.  It was time to go for broke.  Nothing had really been right between us in ages; all because of things left unsaid.  I was tired of all of it.  If we were going to get back on track, then we needed to go ahead and put in the work to make it happen; point blank period.   This current version of us was so juvenile and unrecognizable, I didn't even want to be apart of it anymore.  I took the first step; I called Landon and told him we needed to talk when I got back.  No matter what happens, I'm happy with my decision to stand up for myself.  One of the hardest things about being involved with your TF is that you KNOW, without being told, exactly what the other person is feeling at any given moment.  It makes it extra hard to communicate, because you know they know what's on your mind.  This is where the human condition gets in the way and begins to complicate things.  If we were to simply ACT  on those feelings, it's an ASSUMPTION.  We need confirmation in the form of words to assure us of what it is we already know.  However, we grow increasingly aggravated because we are doing the exact opposite of what we feel.  We sit back, each waiting on the other to validate our what it is we are feeling so we know we aren't losing our minds.  Why does intuition need to be validated?!  Why is it so hard to simply KNOW what we feel is real?!

Believing in our own power can sometimes be an insurmountable task.  It's the one thing you just can't seem to imagine.  The fact is, despite everything, it's the one thing I refuse to live without.  It's just too important to me.  I cannot remember the last time I have wanted something so badly.  I'll be the 1st to admit just how hard life can be when it comes to certain shit; I DEFINITELY pick my battles.  For the most part, I attempt to be in tune with the Universal flow of all things.  There are certain times where I try and let go out of sheer frustration.  The Universe then steps in, blocking all exits.  It's irrefutable confirmation that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be; and this, whatever it is, is worth the fight.  My worst fear is standing in my own way.  So there it is ladies and gentleman; the contents of Avri James's head and heart.  No wonder Landon is all over the place!  I know there's a special place in Heaven for men that learn to tolerate and truly appreciate the thought process of the women they love.  My hope is to ramble here, where words can go on forever, with endless lines to fill.  That way, when I actually talk to him, I get my point across without losing my way.  In a perfect world, that's the way this would play out.  I know there are particular destinations whose journey is far more significant than the place you finally arrive...I'm just ready to learn the lesson so I can GET THERE!!

I had been wandering around in my own little world for I don't know how long.  I looked up, and had inadvertently started heading back to my dorm.  My subconscious had badgered me long enough, and it was time to face the music.  I actually DID feel better!  I no longer felt like I was about to explode.  I guess me spending the last hour or so in my head had paid off.  I was totally at peace.  I mean, what was there to actually fear?!  Rejection?  Disharmony?  Um, excuse me Ms. James, haven't you already been there several times before?!  Don't you already know what that feels like?  Did you experience physical death?!  I touched my face with both hands, just to confirm I was STILL here.  I felt a sudden rush of elation, as if something absolutely amazing was about to happen.  It was like I was now empowered to say ANYTHING, without reservation.  I had finally accepted AND believed that this man loved me unequivocally-there would be no confrontation; simply a conversation-a meeting of the minds.  This entire time I was creating imaginary hype.  Forest for the trees Avri; stay focused on the FOREST...