RNS

 

It was just before dawn, and I was wide awake...Landon's words about learning one another played in my head like a verse on repeat; I couldn't stop thinking about them.  He was right; on sooo many levels.  We had spent so much time building and maintaining our own individual identities, I didn't realize we had spent hardly any on our collective one.  Landon and I had no idea how to be in an actual relationship with the adult versions of ourselves.  I mean, technically, we had One Summer-as children-that's it.  He and I had been separated for a long time; one that saw us transition from kids to adults.  When we came back together, we only focused on the things that remained the same; giving little to no regard for all the things that had changed.  In all actuality, neither one of us had any idea of what the adult versions of us were even really like...Come to think of it, I couldn't remember the last time we had spent an entire day together...shit, had we ever?  If we were going to be more than passing ships, we had to make it happen.  It wasn't about fitting one another into any spare moment we had in a day anymore.  It was about integrating one another into the fabric of our lives in a very real way.  If we both claimed to be each other's priority, it was high time we acted on it; at every opportunity...

I sat at the foot of my bed, eagerly waiting for Landon to wake up.  On an average day, I would have been taking advantage of this time; relishing the quiet-but not today...I was on a mission...After what seemed like an eternity(more like 20 minutes!😁), Landon finally opened his eyes.  "Good Morning!"  I said cheerfully.  "Good Morning.  You're wide open, how long have you been up?!"  He said groggily.  "I've been up for a while, but I've been waiting for you, I want to talk to you about something."  The concern in my voice was now noticeable.  Immediately recognizing this, Landon sat up and faced me.  "What's the matter baby, what's on your mind?!"  He asked, fully attentive.  "I was thinking about what you said, you know, about learning me.  I think you're right; in fact, we need to learn each other; as adults.  I asked myself this question, but maybe you can answer it, when was the last time we spent the entire day together, just us two?"  Landon started to answer, then stopped; he thought about it for several moments.  "Exactly!"  I shrieked.  "There's not one day that we can recall in recent history where it was just me and you.  What, do I not fit into your adult life aesthetic?  Why is it that we allow everything and everybody in our lives to come before each other?  I know you don't mean to make me feel rejected and alone, but that's what ends up happening.  Yes, I am an entire person, all on my own; but I am also apart of a unit; you and I; and I want to feel like it.  I'm having the hardest time wrapping my mind around the fact that this is just the way you are.  I don't want to feel like we need to submit formal requests to receive one another's undivided attention..."

"Shit, this really has been on your mind.  I'm over here thinking you don't even listen to me!  Aight; that was A Lot; forgive me if I don't address each of your grievances.." Landon began.  "I hear you, and I agree.  After what we both went through, the only thing on our minds was escape, and never going back.  We were finding ourselves, again, especially you; moving around, doing our own things.  Before we knew it, we had completely separate lives.  When we came back together, there was no integration; we just kept it pushin, business as usual; fitting each other in wherever we could.  That's no way to learn someone; especially the one you love.  That all stops now.  It's time to figure Us out, and find out who We are."  He pulled me closer to him, smothering me into his chest.  "That's not how I am when it comes to you.  You have my heart, and I want you to know that as absolute truth; the way you know your name."  I sighed.  "That sounds amazing, but how do we get there?"  I asked.  "Real simple, we start from here.  Avri James, can we spend the entire day together?"  I was ecstatic, and shocked at the same time.  I half expected push back, or at the very least, he'd make a plan for some far fetched day that would never arrive.  I could definitely get used to this version of Landon; one that was so sure of himself and Us...taking immediate action...on the contrary; I could love him MORE..."What are we doing first?"  I inquired, unable to contain my excitement.  "Well, I was thinking that first, we stay in bed for a little while longer, and let me see Jasmine in the morning light; something I usually miss.  Then, who knows.  Let's see where the day takes us."  He said, as his head disappeared under my fuzzy pink blanket...

One thing I will never get tired of is how Jensen City becomes an entirely different place when Landon and I are together.  We can be riding down a street that I drove down 6 times a day on my own, and yet, now, it's a totally different place.  There's also the level of comfort that I have being beside him in the Batmobile.  As far as I'm concerned, it's the safest place on Earth.  Landon and I had a connection that was undeniable, unmatched- and un spoken.  It was time for all of it to translate into reality.  First things first Avri, stop talking to yourself, and talk to him.  Let him In..."What you over there thinking about?"  Landon's voice interrupting  my thoughts.  "Honestly, You."  I responded with a smile.  Landon returned the grin.  "Tell me."  He said, genuinely interested...

  "Nothing in particular, really.  Just that I'm happy, that's all.  Happy to be in the space where I don't have to be afraid of how I feel, and being able to communicate that to the one person that matters; You.  If I want you, all I have to do is tell you, and there you are.  I don't know if I ever told you, but my greatest fear when we reconnected was to lose you, all over again.  Having to go through the motions all this time created a PTSD that's indescribable.  Why do you think I lashed out the way I did?  I was scared of losing you.  The only way for me to gain some semblance of control over myself and my emotions was to shut you out completely.  If I was going to lose you, it would be on my own terms.  You once asked me why it was so important to define what we were; I needed it for my own sanity; like it was a way to guarantee that you wouldn't disappear again.  It was like, if you knew who you were to me, then that made it real; for the both of us.  I was sooo afraid of the level of emotion I have for you, and even more so, for you to See it.  To give you all of that without knowing is absolutely insane...but I know I can't contain it anymore, it wants to be where it belongs, and so do I.  I don't want to hide from you anymore, I feel what I feel.  You are the Love of my Life, and always have been."  Landon looked at me, "I've always been cool with that, I just want you to realize once and for all that I feel the same way."  He was asking me to believe in him; to simply Trust.  If we were gonna do this, I would have to.  I wanted to; more than anything..."Bitch, why even be here otherwise?"  Even my higher self was frustrated with me...There was no longer any gray area for me to chill in when it came to me and Landon; it was straight up Black and White...

"Aight Avri, so what is it gonna be?  Are you ready to give it ALL to me, whole heart and all; or are you gonna keep being apprehensive, not saying what's on your mind; pretending that I'm not inside you?  Because I'm telling you right now I'm not interested in that version of you.  You can keep that.  I've spent long enough in my head; it's time to make moves.  I have you to thank for that mentality.  I'm not tryna let anyone else have any piece of what I know belongs to me.  I'm not playin anymore games.  I've waited this long for what's mine, and refuse t settle for less.  I want mine; All of mine; and you're gonna give it to me.  I'm sorry but you love me too well, and I'm selfish.  You should have never let me find out..."

Sheesh!  Way to put a girl on the spot!  I wasn't used to men having all these complex emotions; let alone Landon expressing himself so directly.  I felt completely exposed; but in a good way.  He confronted my apprehension head on in an attempt to assuage any doubt once and for all.  I think I'm falling in Love all over again; this time, with the adult in him, and the way he handled shit..."Fuck it.  I'm all in.  I'm here for any and all of it, but I hope you know what that means!"  He sat; patiently waiting for further elaboration..."It means that I'm all yours, and I'm not holding anything back.   You get the me that stresses over finishing a story, and cries at movies.  The one who loves all things British, and eats spaghetti for breakfast.  Don't forget that I may call you randomly just to rub my feet because I get wet sometimes just thinking about it, AND prefers to stay home on Friday nights to read.  Most importantly, you're getting the Avri that doesn't care what any other man thinks about her or what they see when they do.  She only cares what You think, and only want You to be concerned with Jasmine; no one else.  Know that your getting the Avri that needs to hear your voice to ensure my day goes right, and whose first thought after thanking the Universe for life is You.  I want you to know these things, all of them; and know that I don't take you for granted.  I don't know why I ever made you feel like your presence in my life wasn't paramount."   "Well," Landon began, "we are both guilty of that.  I didn't exactly do much by way of showing you that either.  It wasn't until my back was up against the wall, for lack of a better phrase, that I did anything really.  I didn't create the safe space for you to tell me how you felt, I was really only concerned with my own feelings.  Now that we both know that we are safe, let's Relax, enjoy one another, and do better, from now on.  You know I love the shit outta you Avri James."...and that was that.  We spent the rest of the day tightly wrapped in our Bubble, moving from one place to the next.  Nothing was getting in.  We were finally Home...