"Why you take me up this high? /Just to put a hole in my Parachute /So I would fall for you /And why you let us get this low? /When you know I'd give up my life for you /Ride and I'll die for you, I...Say do you remember? /Back when shit was good /2 kids in the night /We were so Alive..."
Snoh Aalegra
You know, we all talk endlessly about happiness; more specifically, what we need to achieve it. In actuality, it's something that emanates from within. There is not one thing outside of yourself that can contribute to your personal happiness in any way. We obsess over the details of our lives in an attempt to place the blame of unrealized potential on anything else...except You...it's just you stopping you, and Nothing else. Focusing on you, you're able to see all the methods of self-sabotage that we participate in, which is why we don't like to analyze ourselves. If we are strong enough, we face them head on; one by one; healing the cracks with time. Healing is personal; something only you can do. Letting go of the vendetta we have against the world that we realize it was all up to us, all along. Every choice made, each decision, led you to exactly where you are right now. It's human nature to back peddle and view things in hindsight; but how often do we stop, dead in our tracks, after coming to the realization that things could be different, and make that choice instead? Do you then claim full responsibility for the current state of affairs? When do we stop asking ourselves 'what did I do?' better yet, what could I have done differently...and Act on it? We never ask the questions we really need answers to; perhaps we don't particularly want to hear the response...In the age of accountability and transparency, it seems like we are struggling now more than ever to hold that mirror up to ourselves...Richmond was all abuzz with the scent of Summer; hints of unresolved feelings resurfacing for reckoning was All in the air...intimations of ghosts from past lives All around...
It was a gorgeous day. The sun was shining; wind passed lazily through the trees. Landon and I we sitting on the Patio outside the Cafe. It was perfect weather; Waaayyy too nice to be inside. This was one of those rare moments when neither of us needed to rush off to be somewhere. So, we were enjoying each other's company-and observing passers by. "I think he can do better." Landon said curtly, in reference to the couple currently entering the Cafe. "Idk, she looks like a bottom feeder to me!" he said, a little annoyed. "Well technically," I began, "He would be the bottom feeder, she would be the mess that falls to the bottom of the tank that he eats!" He paused, thinking for a moment, "Ohhh, you're right! Ewww. I can't stand it when niggas go for the low hanging fruit; have some fucking self-respect! Why are we like this? Am I mean for saying that?" Landon asked. "No; Well...I digress; Yes, yes it was; but I like it. I like my men Mean-and Untouchable. Don't ever change." I replied, leaning over to kiss him. We saw a few familiar faces, chatting briefly about what they where doing that day. I watched in amusement as Landon agreed to be in like four places at the same time, with no plans to be at any. "You know you don't like people, why agree to hang out with randoms when you know you're not?!" Landon grinned and shrugged. "I don't like to see the look of disappointment on their face when I say no. Hopefully they don't notice I'm not there!" he said, sliding my chair closer to him. I got up, making my way into his lap. "You might be the only 'G' I know concerned with disappointing somebody with 'no'. I Love You for that."
We sat for a little while longer, just people-watching. "So what's up with Melanie, ya'll two dudes bout to get lost for the rest of the day?" Landon asked, scanning the patio with his eyes. "She's coming on Richmond later today, I'm not sure when though. We've gotta talk about everything that happened at graduation-She and Drew attended together..." "TOGETHER?!" he exclaimed, interrupting my thought process. "See! Now you see why we need to talk! Shit definitely went down!" I excitedly said. "Wait, why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?!" Landon asked, sounding like he was left out of something big. "Because, I just found out myself this morning; I don't know anything yet. Don't worry, you're the 1st and only person I'm telling once I have the scoop!" I said, kissing him on the forehead.
Later on, I found myself sitting in my backyard, working on a story. This was my quiet place. No passers-by; no one calling my name; I'm completely tucked away. Adequately shaded, it was just warm enough, it was just me and the birds; acutely aware of one another's presence. I had a bottle of Pinot chilling for Melanie and I, along with a plate of cheese, crackers, and fruit. From the kitchen window, I heard happy chatter and bursts of laughter fill the room; Mel had arrived. This peaceful scene was the perfect backdrop for a story; and Melanie certainly had one to tell...finally making her way outside, she excitedly began to outline the entire encounter before sitting down. "Ok Bitch, so Sari went back to FL, so that freed up a ticket to Hope's graduation. You know what type of time I'm on, so the last thing on my mind was inviting Drew...but per usual, you were right, and Hope wanted him there. With Sari being gone, this also created a new dilemma-who was going to drive to the ceremony? Soooo, I swallowed my pride, and asked him. I prayed for hours before he arrived, AND I wore a girdle, spanx, AND 2 pairs of panties!" I interjected here for dramatic effect-"Why TF did you wear all of that, what did you expect to happen?!" "Cuz bitch, I don't trust us, I can't play those type of games!" she screamed as I burst into laughter. She continued with her story, "Anyway, as I was saying, once I got in the car, for the rest of that day, it was a fight for my life!" "But what I'm having a hard time grasping is how you ended up spending the entire day together-we're gonna re-visit why it was a fight for your life in just a minute.😁" "Why are you liikkkeee this Avri? You always make me focus on the one thing I'm tryna avoid! I DON'T KNOW!!! I don't KNOW, OK?! Damn! I just did! You're always telling me to do what feels natural and right when it comes to Drew, and so, I just did." I smiled. "Now that's exactly what I wanted to hear-so stop pretending like it was a hostage situation. You were precisely where you wanted to be..."
Melanie protested a little, but was in no shape at the moment to run from the truth. "Now that we got that out the way, tell me, from a real place, why was it a fight for your life?" "Because Bitch, I haven't dealt with a single one of the feels associated with Drew-I can't; it leads to devastating results. That was the longest length of time we spent together since we split. He kept talking about all of these things from the past in front of Hope; she kept playing all these songs tryna be funny. At lunch, I had a glass of something w/ a lot of cognac in it. That was the WORST idea, because then all I could think about was sex with him. It didn't help that at some point he put his hand down my pants! If it wasn't for all that armor I was wearing, I might've left that shit pregnant!" Mel finished in a panic. My mouth dropped. "Omg Bitch, then what happened?! Wait, let me pour me a glass of wine, this shit is about to get good..."
Melanie gave her most mischievous smile, and continued with her tale. "It was a lot going on, and a lot for me to process. He wants to follow me to FL. Rns, if he did that, I would have to re-marry him!" I didn't say anything, I just wanted Mel to talk. This was a moment that needed to happen, was a long time coming. "I don't like it when it feels like I'm not in control, and I was all over the place. He was saying all this stuff-that I wouldn't let register; I couldn't. I am, after all, in a whole other relationship-" I stopped her mid-sentence-"Um, correction Bitch, you are in a whole other marriage. The word you were looking for is marriage." "LIKE I SAID, I'm in a whole relationship! How am I expected to process all of this?!" I sat, thinking, prior to responding. "You aren't meant to process it; it has nothing to do with logical thought. You gotta feel your way through this one Homie." She thought for a minute, then broke out in a full whine. "But I don't waaaaaant to! I literally have spent the last decade of my life rebuilding after the devastation that is Drew. My wife is not giving me any more grace in this situation to figure my shit out." She said in an exasperated voice. "I just told you, there's nothing to figure out. Stop tryna think your way through some shit that is ALL heart. You have known that you and Sari were on borrowed time since Day 1. Yes, Drew has done some questionable shit, but WHO HASN'T?! I have never seen somebody hold a grudge like you can. Niggas have done far worse, and you've forgiven them. At this point, this standoff is giving childish. Neither of you have a valid reason for keeping this shit going. I've heard more on the subject of Drew over the past few months from you than I ever did when you were actually together. Deal with it, and deal with it Now..."
Melanie rolled her eyes, but shook her head in agreement. "Speaking of dealing, that brings us to Part II of the saga..." I shot her a puzzled look over the top of my wine glass. "What you mean part 2?!" I said, raising an eyebrow. Melanie had that look on her face that children get when you demand an explanation for why they've done something they shouldn't have. "Remember, I didn't do anything, I fought nature, and myself, tooth and nail the entire time to keep my composure..." "Go on.." I replied. "I really don't know for sure what happened, or what Sari stumbled upon rather; all I know is that one minute we were having a heated discussion about relocating to FL. We concluded by agreeing to disagree, ending the call relatively calmly. The next thing I know, I was being berated with texts saying, 'fuck me, It's over, you're a liar, It's happening all over again'..." Mel paused briefly, eyes wide in disbelief. I jumped at the chance to ask a burning question..."Melanie, did you tell Sari that Drew was coming to the graduation?" She rolled her eyes; Hard. "See, there you go again, making me address shit I am actively avoiding! No, I didn't tell her; there was no guarantee he was gonna show. Plus, I just didn't feel like it was something I had to communicate!" "Ok, I think I can kinda rationalize your 'unique' perspective. I mean no, as Hope's Dad, you didn't technically have to tell her that Drew would be attending-he has every right to be there-" "I'm glad you seeing it my way for once!" Melanie gleefully cut in. "-But Sari is a woman. You keep forgetting. It's all in the details." I finished. "SO I'm wrong then?!" She questioned aggressively. "That's not for me to say. I think you can decipher that based off of what happened. Only you can say if it was the right decision." Melanie groaned loudly. "I can't stand you." "Oh then you should be In Love with me after what hearing what I'm about to say next😁..."
"The obvious question remains, because you've said all of this to say what? Now what?! What've you been thinking about since that day with Drew? What happens Now?" I inquired; practically on the edge of my seat, awaiting her response. "Bitch, TF if I know! I'm all the way fucked up right now, like really. Idk what's happening to me." There was real fear in Melanie's voice, which prompted me to stop digging. This was as much emotional thought our bottle of Pinot Noir could handle. Mel's fear was coming from being at the edge; knowing full well if you jump, that meant potentially leaving everything, and everyone else behind. I glanced over at Mel; she was lost in thought; in full wonder of whether or not what was ahead was worth the risk...
Later on that night, while getting ready for bed, I found myself recounting the unbelievable tale to Landon. He had an identical initial reaction. "Well did they talk about anything that mattered?" Landon asked. "Ummmm, yes-and no. If you were to ask her, just enough was said to make her uncomfortable. If you ask me, no, not at all. Hope was there, so that was her excuse for not getting into any serious conversation." I said. "What you mean?!" "Well, according to Melanie, Hope doesn't want them together..." "Oh, so Now the children determine the fate of their parent's relationship?! WTF is that even supposed to mean?" Landon asked, noticeably irritated. "To me, absolutely nothing." Landon shook his head. "This shit is ridiculous. It's amazing they haven't fought, or ended up in bed together yet. It's a bunch of dumb ass unnecessary tension building for absolutely no reason. And what about her wife? They broke up? How does that work?" He asked, rolling his eyes. "It doesn't. That was just for dramatic effect. We still aren't even sure how Sari knew he was there." "This is foolishness. I'm getting frustrated just listening to all of that nothing!" I laughed at his response-my thoughts exactly! "If I've said it before, I'll say it again, people out here actively choosing to be miserable. At some point, you gotta grow the fuck up and make choices that are gonna get, and keep you where you actually want to be." Landon said, very matter-of-factly. "That's true," I began, "but it's the emotional collateral..." "Baby, I don't mean to cut you off, but unfortunately, in this particular situation, it cannot be avoided. When Melanie and Drew finally do pull the trigger, because they WILL, it's going to be hard, and its going to be messy. This situation has always been messy, and so will it's demise." he added. "Idk, maybe she's stubborn enough to tough it out; just to prove everyone wrong." I replied, just wanting to be contrary. But Landon was right though; it was gonna be a shit show..."Nah Baby, you know your friend, but you're wrong this time. If it's what I KNOW it is, there's no way either one of them are ever gonna be able to completely walk away..." He traced the LSM tattoo behind my ear with his finger tips before kissing it. "Nope. Inevitability is a real bitch..."
Comments
Post a Comment