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The Calm Before the Storm

                     I like a dash of animal prints here and there Progress video

I remember writing this poem when I was 13 years old called, "The Quiet Storm".  It was about how being alone in the dark felt like drowning.  I vividly described how the water was slow, creeping, menacing.  That's the most accurate description of how the situation between Landon and I works, and how it wreaks emotional havoc.  As long as there is no contact, I can emotionally function normally for the most part.  It's like I get to a point before there was a he and I, and I'm good with that.  I don't really miss him, I rarely think of him, and I'm happy.  We don't need to speak or see each other; its OK to have completely separate lives.  The rub when it comes to encountering your twin flame is that separation is only an some point, you are always thrown back together, shattering the entire spectacle.

That night after Landon left my dorm, I went to the party feeling totally FREE.  I had a great time, and was excited about all the new possibilities I had ahead.  Ironically enough, I thought very little of the encounter between Landon and I.  It wasn't until the next day when the 1st sign surfaced that I may actually been thinking about it subconsciously all along.  Whenever I find myself particularly enamored with a pair of shoes, I like to take pictures in them and send them to Landon.   One particular night, I debuted a new pair I was particularly smitten with, and snapped a pic while I was still getting ready.  Without even thinking, I sent it to Landon.  I didn't even remember doing it until found myself doing it again..."WTF am I doing?!"  I caught myself and quickly Face-timed Adonis instead!  I felt my ears getting hot and my throat nervously closing as his smiling face appeared on the screen.  As I looked at myself on the screen, I momentarily caught my own gaze and experienced the most powerful sense of deja vu; something said to snap a screenshot, and so I did...

I was relieved to see him, and that nothing had changed as far as how I felt.  Ever since seeing Landon, I have had this looming fear that it would change things between Adonis and I.  Our bond had a way of making other people trivial, regardless of the situation.   I DID actually like him, and the idea of moving on...Yet, I knew better than I knew anything else, that I have ZERO inhibitions when it came to Landon.  He was the one thing in my life not provided by blood that would ALWAYS remain with me.  Even when I tried, he was the one I could never matter what the current situation, the answer would always be YES.  See how simply and eloquently that seemed to flow?!  If only my life were that simple...Knowing this, my ego continued to fight for evidence to the contrary.  The more tightly I would cling to my current situation, the harder my ego fought to preserve that ideal.  It got so bad that it finally culminated--exploding all over text...

God only knows what was actually said, I thankfully caught myself, and removed all of his contact information from my phone before I could do anymore damage.  WTF was I doing, and who the fuck was I?!  "You've got it all right now, exactly where you should be; and you're about to fuck it all up for what?!!!"  I heard big girl Avri say inside my head.  Damn, she's right.  There's an irresistible attraction between he and I that transcends anything I have ever known.  It's not anything that I have the slightest bit of control over, and simply cannot be denied.  My fear now was making Adonis a casualty of a war he really had no part in.  I had taken my time, moving extra slow as far as he was concerned, to prevent such a thing from happening.  I thought I was READY.  If everything in life is a mental process, I should be strong enough to make this a reality.  Only I can say when it is I am truly ready.  We are doing this Avri; there's no turning back...

Several days, emotional epiphanies, and countless conversations with Catrina later, I finally felt like my excursion down the rabbit hole had come to an end, and  I was finally back on track.  the amazing thing about it all was that even though in my mind I had a full-fledged breakdown, I have the keen ability to do so without a single soul being none the wiser!  A fun fact about me is that I I can remain absolutely calm on the surface, no matter the level of internal chaos!  Adonis was none the wiser, still sweet and attentive as ever.  It didn't even matter if he an I were never much more than what we are at this moment; I enjoyed his company, and his determination to make me smile.  That's enough for me right now; and I want to enjoy it for as long as possible...


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