Face 2 Face

 

I opened my eyes to find my head buried against Landon's chest.  I couldn't quite see his face, but the sound of his voice said he was wide awake; and had been for quite some time.  "Good Morning," I mumbled groggily.  "What time did you finally finish?!"  There was a momentary pause, then Landon answered.  "Well, I left around 5, but as far as finishing..." His voice trailed off, as if he was someplace else entirely.  I sat up in bed and asked, "What's the matter?!  What happened?!"  I was now fully awake, anticipating whatever fuckery he was about to lay on me.  "I met a clown after you left."  That I wasn't ready for.  Even though Adonis was adamant about approaching Landon, I never thought they would actually speak!  "What is blowing my shit right now is his level of comfort in approaching and questioning me about ANYTHING pertaining to us!"  Landon said.  I could tell this was one of those situations that may go either way. depending on the approach.  I thought about it, and chose my words in response very carefully.  "He never believed me when I talked about what it is we have.  He thought it was an excuse not to get closer to him.  Adonis thought whatever it was that was going on between us, you would be honest about.  It's not exactly like you were around, making yourself known to the male population checking for me."  He didn't verbally respond, but his eyes definitely acknowledged what was said.  He continued, "Well, it sounds like you could have had something.  He made his feelings for you perfectly clear; what do you feel for him?!"  Damn, OK; so I guess we are REALLY doing this; we are having our 1st real adult conversation of our relationship--Fine.  I'm Ready...

"I guess it was a possibility, I mean, you were all the way gone; or at least that's what I thought.  I really felt like it was over.  No, I wasn't happy, or jumping at the chance to be moving on, but I didn't want to be in pain anymore.  You hurt me in a way I NEVER thought was possible for us."  Landon is a TALKER--however, when it comes to talking about the things the he FEELS, words seem to escape him.  In an effort to keep this conversational and it not to turn into an Avri interrogation, I went out on a limb and posed a question, "Why did you make me feel that way?  Why did you put me in a place where I felt like he was necessary?!"  He didn't answer me right away; he was thinking about the question.  At long last, Landon broke the silence.  "That was never my intention, Avri.  I was just in a place where I felt like I needed to be isolated.  That whole time, I really wasn't paying attention.  I didn't realize I was mentally AND physically gone from you as long as I was."  He COULD be telling the truth..."Ok," I said, "I can understand needing to disappear for a little while, but you could have just told me that instead of breaking my heart and practically throwing me to another man!"  Under any other circumstances, this would have been an incredibly uncomfortable conversation, but not with Landon.  It felt like the most natural thing in the world.  I was RELIEVED we were finally talking about it.  The distance was KILLING me...

"Did you think I meant it?!"  Landon asked, in a very agitated voice.  "I didn't at first," I replied. "but as time went on, I saw your behavior change, and you drifted further away from me.  You made me feel disposable.  At that point, I had no choice but to take you at your word.  I felt like I didn't matter to you anymore.  So yes, I believed you."  He didn't say a word, but I could tell he HEARD me.  Suddenly he asked, "what did you see in him?!"  "We have a lot of things in common," I said, "like we both love books.  He listens, and is attentive; always interested.  When we were together, it was as if I was his favorite person in the world.  He never made me feel like an afterthought; words were never weapons."  "Oh, so a substitute me?!  I didn't know you would miss those things to the point to where you would feel the need to replace it.  Now this nigga is all in his feelings."  "You just don't get it, that's actually what I missed the most--"  Landon cut me off, "Look, you need to fix this; whatever it's going to take for him understand.  He has no business having feelings for you; point blank period."  "Alright, done."  I replied...

"So what would have happened if I didn't come back?!"  He asked.  "Honestly, I don't know,"  I began.  "Maybe if Adonis and I had continued to date, perhaps eventually I would have developed feelings for him, and we possibly could have been together.  At this moment in time, I don't have ANY feelings for him.  I'm soo relieved to finally be where I want to be.  I could never feel the way I do for you with anybody else.  All I have wanted for forever is for it to just be us."  Landon' eyes changed the look on his face entirely.  "So now you just have me out here feeling like a whole dick, huh?!"  "As you should!", I said, "but that really wasn't the plan!"  Landon put his serious voice back on, "That still doesn't take away from the fact that you damn near replaced me--that Avri, I did not do.  What I need from you right now is to OWN this, and take responsibility for your part in what transpired."  "I do," I began, "understand and take full responsibility for what happened because I made every decision consciously.  However, you, my nigga have to understand that I thought you had moved on from me months ago, and was still doing whatever the fuck you wanted.  In my mind, it was what was keeping you from me.   Everything I did was in direct response to your words and actions." He looked at me sideways, "OK, but you were wrong."  "We already established that--and so were you!"  "Agreed, but you were MORE wrong!"  "If that helps you sleep better at night, then fine."  I said with a smile.  "Is that why you threw my ring away?!"  I rolled my eyes.  "I did that out of pure spite.  I was so upset with you for what you said and how you made me feel, I just wanted to hurt you in exactly the same way.  The ring meant so much to me, it was probably more painful for me than anything else to throw it away.  Look, I don't want to play anymore games or cause confusion EVER.  I just want to be able to say whatever I think and feel for you at any given moment without any reservations.  The contents of my head and heart are things I ALWAYS want to share with you, without hesitation. We should never feel the need to intentionally hurt one another for any reason.  Tell me what I did, and how it made you feel, so that I understand--and not to let it happen again.  Fight for the things that matter; that's what people who truly love each other do."

  Landon was quiet for several minutes, lost in thought.  "Look, I don't like the fact that any other man approached me about you.  I don't ever want to share you with anybody else.  I love you, and I apologize."  He pulled me back down into his arms and hugged me tightly.  "Aight," he finally said, "Now that's Over.  Let's get dressed, it's time to replace your ring..."