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I Need To Know

             GDBee / Geneva B.



Being of two minds is no way to live...Still mostly wrapped up in the dream I just stepped out of, I answered the phone.  Already indifferent, because I knew who it was, and it WASN'T who I wanted it to be.  That dream had given me life; confirmation of something I have known since as long as I could remember.  Now that it had been fully realized, I was no longer beat for anything (or ANYONE!) that wasn't going to get me there.  I had been especially careful the entire time I had been dating Adonis to keep any and all emotional attachment at bay in an attempt to avoid making him a Casualty of War.  He, on the other hand, was doing everything in his power to show me he deserved a real shot.  It's definitely a noble pursuit, but also a frivolous one.  The way I loved Landon transcended all of space and time, and would be EXACTLY the same in ANY lifetime.  No matter WHO, or WHAT, or WHEN, it would ALWAYS be Him.  I'm choosing Landon REGARDLESS.  Adonis had definitely to step to me in an increasingly aggressive way, and, I had the sneaking suspicion that it might be time for me to reiterate a few key terms in our current arrangement.  One thing I was ABSOLUTELY not with is allowing and individual who existed in my life solely for my entertainment to ever think otherwise.  I took a deep breath, cleared my throat, and answered...

"Good Morning."  Adonis's voice came through the receiver bright and clear, as if he had been up for hours.  I could feel the smile he was wearing.  Had I not done such a thorough job of explaining up front what I felt for Landon, I may have felt some type of way about having to piss on his rainbow a few short moments later.  My ability to express myself negatively is only ever hindered when dealing with Landon--this could be interpreted as Savage, but, as I already stated, I've been nothing but honest from the beginning..."I know it's early, but I wanted you to know you were on my mind; my day just seems to go better when it starts with you..."  Adonis said.  He paused momentarily, a space meant to be filled with my response.  I remained silent.  He quickly moved on.  "The Friendship Retreat is next weekend in Charlotte.  I know you said you wanted to go, so when I was online booking my flight, I got one for you too."  Wait, WHAT?!  I'm sure I heard this young man incorrectly.  I THINK I just heard him say he purchased me a plane ticket to the Charlotte Friendship Retreat.  I felt the silver tip of my tongue begin to sharpen...Ok, let's back up; roses, books, beaded bracelets, and the occasional date--all acceptable.  A plane ticket is a horse of a different color.  How many ways are there to tell a person you belong to someone else COMPLETELY?!  I was ready to GO IN...

"OK Adonis, let's chat.  Listen, I have done as much as humanly possible to explain the complicated nuances of my love life, and that what you and I have plays NO part in it, and never will.  It would be irresponsible and selfish of me to let you think this; even if by some strange stretch of the imagination you and I end up TRYING to be together, as SOON as Landon and I were to reconnect, it would be DEAD.  It's the most accurate description of what would happen because I would be erased from your reality, like I was never there.  Yes, I can say this in perfect honestly and confidence because its no longer mere speculation, and this point it has been proven, therefore FACT."  I stopped there momentarily to give him a chance to take it all in before I went on.  Before I spoke, he said, "Avri, I know, I just can't help treating you the way you DESERVE.  You are EVERYTHING, and I'm trying to be in your presence as long as you allow it.  You cannot blame me for taking every opportunity I can get to show you how Avri James SHOULD be treated.  It's not game, this would be your life with me."  His little monologue reminded me of why I liked him in the 1st place, his tenacity on my part had always been attractive.  It calmed me down, and I attempted to go back in with a more compassionate approach.  "I appreciate that, more than you know.  The fact that you see me, and have connected the way we have, I want you to know that matters;  but you need to understand my dilemma as the Tin Man, I have no heart, because Landon is out there carrying it inside of his; It's not mine to give in any way that really matters."

There was very little protest, and Adonis struggled to change the topic of conversation.  I was fine with that, I had spoken my peace.  He asked me a few pointless questions about the movie we watched at his apartment the night before, and if I was free for lunch.  I told him I wasn't sure where the day was going to take me; even though I had it in my mind that I was going to see Landon.  I opted to keep that last part to myself, I felt enough salt had been poured into the wound for one day.  Just as I was about to get off the line, Adonis stopped me by asking, "You do an excellent job of articulating EXACTLY who I am and what I mean to you.  Are Landon's feelings for you as straight up and clearly defined as yours are?!  If I, as a man, were to ask him who you were and what you meant to him, what would he say?  Believe me when I tell you Avri James, one day, you'll be mine, and it's going to be ALOT sooner than you think."  "Adonis!"  He cut me off and kept going, "Avri, one thing you know about me is that I DO NOT deal in the hypothetical.  I get what I want because I GO GET IT.  At this point, you haven't left me much of a choice, I'm gonna ask Landon myself.  All I need from him is to confirm what I already know, that he doesn't share the connection you seem to think you have, it's not love.  That way, you can finally be free."  I could think of a few things I would I would be at the end of that conversation, NONE of which had the slightest intimations at FREEDOM.  I had no idea if Landon had ever been confronted about his feelings for me, but, one thing was for sure, I just didn't see him being receptive of the next man telling him his love for me wasn't real, and that he kindly exit my life stage left so that I would be willing to take a chance on someone else.  "Go Ahead,"  I simply said, and left the conversation at that.  If he was determined to commit suicide, I was going to step back from the cliff's edge and let him jump... 



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