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Propitious


My most profound thoughts always come to me at night...I'll wake up, just a little while before it comes to mind; pieces at a time.  It came as no surprise when I found my eyes drowsily opening sometime after 2am.  I had a Hell of a past few days, and there hadn't been a moment to catch my breath, let alone think.  I lay perfectly still in an effort not to disturb Landon.  He looked so peaceful and calm; I wondered what he was dreaming about.  Slowly but surely, the slivers of epiphany began to take form.  There was no anxiety, no tangled mess of emotion and thought...just warmth; and an indescribable feeling of being exactly where I was supposed to be.  All I can do is feel.  Honestly, I was afraid to do anything else...afraid that I would lose this feeling; that it would somehow fade because it wasn't real?  What if I was dreaming all of this, and Landon wakes up tomorrow, and changes his mind?!  This, was brand new; some place we had never been.  Did he even know how to be here?!  I wasn't going to risk it slipping away, or me missing out on ONE single second by overthinking.  We had been through too much to take any chances...I lay in bed, fully awake, just letting the impact of it all wash over me; simply enjoying the moment.  I only had a few minutes; Landon would be awake soon.  If we were together, we were in perfect sync...if one of us was conscious, it wouldn't be long before the other would soon follow.  Our natural rhythm was pure magic.  I let the silence of the room envelope me like a blanket, and I found unspeakable comfort in that quiet.   Slowly, I turned to face Landon.  I was met with a smile, and eyes sleepily opening...
"Why are you always awake?!"  he asked groggily; pulling me closer to him.  "I'm not, I'm just always awake before you."  He squeezed me tighter.  "I'm really here, this is really happening.  I'm not going anywhere; I promise.  It's OK for you to relax.  Come here, I like feeling you next to me all night.  When I do, that's the safest place on Earth.  Nothing can happen to me here.  I want you to feel the same way; have that same peace of mind..."  His voice trailed off.  I was already drifting; quickly slipping back into a deep sleep...

The next morning I awoke, still firmly pressed against Landon's chest.  It's amazing how safe he was capable of making me feel.  Even though I was completely exposed, there was nothing that could happen in those moments to make me feel insecure.  I wiggled a little; to indicate that I was ready to move.  A still sleeping Landon gently loosened his hold on me.  The plan was to get as much done as possible before he decided to fully get up for the day.  Once the Tea Kettle was on, I meditated for a few minutes and got in a quick morning Yoga routine.  I had just settled at the foot of my bed with my open laptop when I heard Landon stir.  He reached for his phone, briefly checking it, before glancing my way.  "What's on the agenda for today?!"  Landon asked, as he continued to scroll through his feed.  "I don't have any concrete plans, I have an article to type and publish on my website, and an event to prep for later, but otherwise, my day is pretty open...that is, unless you have any plans for me."  I added with a smile.  "Otherwise, I'll just see you later."  He reached for my toes, and began to massage my feet.  "Nah, I don't have anything planned for the day that's gonna take me too far out of your reach.  It doesn't matter what I'm doing, even when you're not there, you're on my mind.  Then, all I gotta do is make it happen."  I smiled again.  "That was the most eloquent way I have ever heard someone say "Ima holler at you later!"  We both laughed.  "Seriously though, let's go have breakfast, you do your thing, I'll do my running around, then, maybe we can go underwear shopping..."  I had to admit, I LOVED the way this man's mind worked...

Sometime after 1pm, my phone began to vibrate at the edge of my desk.  I already knew who it was even before looking.  "What are you wearing?!"  The voice said in a hushed tone.  "Um, a thong."  I replied curtly.  "And what else?!"  The voice said again.  "Nothing else.  I'm sitting at my computer, enjoying my free space, letting my nuts swing!"  I smiled wide.  "Don't play with me Avri, I CAN be there in 20 minutes.  Anywhere I am only takes 20 minutes to get to you!"  Landon said; I could hear his smile through the phone.  Landon spoke, now in his own voice.  "I know."  I said, with a smile of my own, "why else would I say it?!"  "What you doin?!"  he asked.  "I'm typing up this article now, but I should be finished soon.  I was thinking of running to the Cafe with Mel; I haven't eaten since this morning.  What you doin?!"  I asked; trying to sound casual and not incredulous.  "I'm still just running around right now, but I wouldn't mind seeing your face for a few minutes sometime in the near future; hopefully before you head out to the Cafe.  You ARE going to put some clothes on right?!  I mean just because you going to have lunch with your girl don't mean you need to look like you been in the house all day!  Tell me now before I make this detour and waste my gas!"  If I could have rolled my eyes any harder..."Shut up!"  I screamed.  "I'm not coming outside looking a mess!  Stop talking to me like you found me in the garbage!"

Lunch with Melanie was eventful; lowkey dramatic...you know, the usual.  She was in rare form today due to the very recent discovery of Drew's new love interest.  You know, if it wasn't for the general messiness of the prior association, I could see myself rooting for this one to work out for him.  I actually knew this one(big shocker!), and I really liked her.  The young woman in question just so happened to be my favorite waitress at the Cafe.  She was bubbly, friendly, and pretty.  SO naturally, upon learning of their recent connection, this is where Melanie wanted to meet under the guise of "catching up".  "Bitch, I talk to you everyday, there's not anything I don't already know!"  After ignoring all of my protests, we made our way down there.  I was already running apologetic scenarios in my mind to have ready for Monie once Mel got comfortable.  Depending on how Monie handled herself, this situation my not remain cordial.  We sat in our favorite spacious booth towards the back; Melanie's eyes discreetly scanning the room.  Monie was posted up by the back stairs; it looked like she may be covering the upper level.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  That would put enough distance between the two, much to Melanie's disappointment.  I giggled to myself.  "Come on, let's get raspberry wings and Sangria."

About two hours later, I found myself walking down Richmond alone towards my house.  The street was quiet; there was an orange and white cat trotting along a few paces in front of me.  The breeze moved briskly through the trees.  Approaching the corner of Courtland and Richmond, a familiar black car pulled into the crosswalk in front of me.  "This is stalker behavior.  How the Hell did you know the precise moment when I would arrive at this corner?!"  Landon smiled saying, "I can ALWAYS find you.  Call it what you want, it is what it is.  How was the Cafe?  Where's Melanie?"  "She left.  Hope had a game, plus she was BIG mad because Monie didn't give her the energy she wanted at the Cafe to fuck with her the way she wanted to."  I replied,  He laughed.  "You know Melanie is alot, all the time.  She's not really herself if she can't stir up some shit!"  "Don't talk about my sister wife."  I snapped back.  "So what you about to do now?!"  He asked.  "I was heading to the house; about to lose myself in a book until a nap finds me.  You know, important shit."  "Oh word?!"  he asked.  "Well, I gotta be outside for a little longer, but I wouldn't mind your company; that is, if you can tear yourself away from all that important shit you had planned to do."  I pretended to ponder the prospect.  "I think that can be arranged.", I said, sliding into the seat beside him...

Part II  
Landon Speaks

Have you ever wanted something so badly, for so long, that you almost miss it when it does happen?  Like you don't even realize when you actually get it?!  Imagine finally getting that one thing, after all that time, and then, not knowing what to do...how to take care of it...I spent so much time in my head, imagining being here, I never thought beyond that.  I guess I just figured it would all fall into place.  I never once thought about what it was going to take to keep it, once I finally had it.  If you have no fear of losing something, it's easy to take it for granted.  We do this dance; play this game, because we know we belong to each other...funny, I almost realized too late that she was out, and I was playing myself...
We are our own people, living our own individual lives; move the way we need to.  I Love that.  Her own person; entirely; and yet, completely apart of me...I can't explain it.  It's sooo intoxicating that you can forget, that there is someone else involved...an intimacy I have never had the pleasure of experiencing with anyone else.  A person can fit you so perfectly, that all your needs get met, and you get spoiled...What do you do when the woman you love is Different?  You get to create a place for just You and Her...a place that only the two of you can Be...and then, you vibe Differently...I glanced over at Avri, reclining in the passenger seat.  She had her feet crossed, positioned up on the dashboard as usual.  Her eyes were closed; she was eating a raspberry ring pop.  The low, intermittent humming in between licks indicated how enamored she was with it.  It was the sound of pure Joy.  Looking at her, I was at Peace; I was home.  We didn't have a destination, I just wanted her next to me.  Avri never said one word about my wandering; she just rode...contented and happy.  These were the moments I lived for...is that corney?!...nah, that's Love...

I don't know, I can't really say when it happened; there just came a day when I couldn't act like Avri wasn't a necessary part of my life...a space that nothing and no one else could fill.  Why was I acting like it was OK for her to leave?  Did I really believe that?  I sat with that thought; maybe a little longer than I should of.  I stayed away.  I sat in my feelings for a long time.  Avri could feel it; becoming more and more unsettled by the minute.  When she couldn't take it anymore, she yelled at me via text message, and made a decision without me.  She knew without knowing what was going on inside me.  Men may act like the last thing they want is to really Be with someone; to be sooo inside; to the point that there is no distance between you...The truth is, the real fear, is that she doesn't want to be in that space with you; that she doesn't feel the same...And so, out of sheer frustration, she gave up.  I wasn't saying anything; it was just too hard for her.  I don't even know why...why couldn't I just say what I was feeling?  This time felt different; she really was gone.  I couldn't feel her anymore.  I'm not gonna lie, the way that felt, was indescribable.  If there was any way back, I needed to find it; SOON.  It was something mere words wasn't going to fix this time...

I watched Avri some more; I like to just look at her.  Learning is all in the 'observation'.  It was my mission in life to know everything about this woman; she is Mine..."So, I was thinking, maybe I should be the one to make your coupon book...I mean, you made mine."  I blurted out.  Avri shot me a slightly confused look that broke into a smile.  "Well, I'm ok with that, but do you think you know enough about what I like to fill an entire book?!"  I thought for a second before responding, "I think it's about time that I found out.  I want you to like what I do; and I wanna do it in a way that only I can.  I want to fill that book with Us.  I want to take you somewhere different; higher with each page."  Avri's eyes lit up; smiling before it appeared on her face.  She was definitely intrigued..."I agree, I think it's about time we established a few things.  I LOVE it!"  She shifted her body, taking her feet off the dashboard, now fully facing me.  Avri had no sexual intentions with her position change, but the way she was sitting now, I couldn't think of anything else...:"I think I've had enough outside for today, lets get food for later and take this inside."  I said.  "You read my mind, but I was thinking I could cook something.  All I've been doing is eating out lately because I've been so busy, I'm feeling kinda crazy right now."  It was music to my ears.  I was in a full grin.  "What are you smiling so hard about, what's on your mind?!"  Avri asked.  "I get to eat great ALL night, I can't think of anything better."  Just then, I realized I was humming; out of pure delight of things to come.  I Love this space; I Love Her...   

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