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Flash Forward: Unchained Melody

Illustration - GDBee ART


Sitting in front of my laptop, I thought about that night, and everything I felt at that moment...life can make it so hard to hold onto what's real.  I sat there, eyes closed, re-living every second.  I needed to put this into words that others could ingest and understand.  I was finding this especially difficult because I was agitated, and hadn't been able to put anything down on paper.  I went back to this particular place in my mind hoping that it would provide the much-needed inspiration (and nuts!) I was going to need to overcome Landon and mine's latest Battle Royal.  I was desperately trying to return to our source.  I had reached a point in our relationship where the impenetrable walls that he puts up when he's going through something had to come down, and it was time to face me...

Since that night at the waterfront, it's been just he and I.  We have definitely hit our occasional bump or two (or ten!)  along the road, but always find our way back to each other.  After much trial, error, and tears, I realized that we were causing each other so much unnecessary pain by walking away and holding on to things that really don't matter.  There's just no such thing when it comes to us.  Even when we not physically in each other's presence, the mental connection is constant, and undeniable.  Pretending it's not real is just as insane as the whole thing sounds...To walk out the door without a destination and to be led straight to him EVERYTIME....At this very moment, Landon and I are not speaking.  It's the reason for my agitation, and why I'm struggling through my latest writi assignment.  Do you know how hard it is to write about love when you aren't in contact with the object of affection?!  Impossible; that's how hard...

Mark Twain once said, "When all else fails, write what your heart tells you.  You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."  Truer words were never spoken, so here goes...What my heart is telling me right now is that she's TIRED of going for broke?!  Why is it always me professing how I feel?!  When it comes to matters of the heart, I have never been shy, desperately trying to live my truth.  To pretend, because that's exactly what it is, to feel otherwise is pointless.  I can't think of one person who would ever say they were ever unsure of how or what I was feeling.  Though extremely guarded initially, once I KNOW, hiding how I feel is futile.  In the past few years, Landon has become(or at least he THINKS he has!) his own person Avri expert.  Needless to say, he is fully aware of every idiosyncrasy that is me; and has made my inability to stop myself from saying whatever is in my head whenever he is around his own personal form of torture...He is NOT forthcoming with what's on his mind, as with ANY man.  It's like the closer I get and the more I say, the further he retreats.  When this happens, it's up to me to seek him out.  This most recent spat was no different, landing us right back in the  place I least like to be...

This time, I say fuck that.  Yup, that's how I feel!  You know what, I an sick and tired of being the bigger person!  At what point does it stop being petty and trivial, and gets to what it should have been about from the beginning, the unconditional love between a man and woman; deeming it untouchable?!  When does the divine masculine overtake the ego and says, "This is the woman I love, she is mine...born into this world to be with ME; and nobody else.  I WILL NOT let her walk away."  Going base off of what's going on at this very moment, I would say NEVER.  As the feminine divine, I've grown weary of performing both roles.  I won't do it anymore, for ANYONE.  I want emotional maturity, and the ability to handle the magnitude and depth of what's being felt; not fear of the unknown.  Put yourself out there the way I ALWAYS have and show me that you're not a liar.  I want full ownership, unafraid of what it means to love a woman as you love yourself.  I'm ready for the person who understands that there is no such thing as right or wrong when it comes to love, only the lesson that comes out of the situation...to be used to GROW.  It's completely free from shame or regret, knowing that the right decision is the one that moves you forward, and the two of you flourish...

To be literally pulled in some random direction without ANY control; synchronicities soo abundant that you actually start ignoring them out of spite; to SCREAM at the Universe, begging for the signs to stop.  All you want is to be in your own space, with your own SINGULAR thoughts...Truth is, you carry their heart inside your own; making you ONE.  I give up!!  At this point, I'm responsible for breaking my own heart, and that I CANNOT have.  This time, Landon will need to jump; I'm already all in...Now try and focus Avri; where were we?!  Oh yeah, we were just about to leave Richmond for school...

   





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