Liabilities

 

When it comes to love, we always crave the big gestures.  It's because of the fact that they are so few and far between.  Or perhaps it's in those gestures that we get a glimpse of how someone truly feels.  It's something in their willingness to throw all caution to the wind that we identify with and long for...Our tattoos had us on both on Cloud 9 for a while.  So much so that I found I wasn't paying attention to much else-like the fact that all that nothing Landon and I had been stuck in for months was still looming ALL AROUND; unchanged.  My summer abroad was going to have to wait-my blog had taken an unexpected, yet pleasant turn towards LITT, and I was going to be busier than ever!  There were even talks of Avri James being PUBLISHED!  Can you Imagine?!  I just couldn't believe it...

One Saturday morning, I came across an article that discussed the Divine Feminine and the purpose of this energy here on Earth.  One particular passage resonated with me louder than any of the other words on the page, "Feminine energy is about being instead of doing.  When you focus simply on being in the moment and enjoying a man's company and attention, you automatically shift your vibe so he can step into the masculine doer role.  to do that, you must be open to receive...resist the temptation to prove your worth by giving, and instead create a space for him to give to you."  I think I may have been born with the wrong gender energy; I don't know ANYTHING about being on the receiving of a relationship.  People only see what they can take from me, and what I can do for them.  When that's all gone, they shift their energy.  Suddenly I'm not as important as I used to be.  I'm an afterthought till I can be of further use.  That passage was a revelation to mixed emotions.  I kept thinking the reason why I was stuck was because I wasn't open enough, that I was too closed off to show how I really felt.  I thought it was ME that was in the way.  The flaw in that thought process was that I NEVER had ANYTHING to prove.  I had done absolutely nothing wrong.  Reflecting on all the shit Landon and I had gone through from the very beginning, I had been backed into a corner from the very start.  I was being attacked for being in love with Landon, and it was HIM who did absolutely nothing about it.  I was left alone to deal with it all, including my own heartbreak.  Here I was, breaking my back to prove my loyalty, when, in all actuality, HE was the traitor.  He betrayed his loyalty to US.  When we finally did make our way back to each other, there were no explanations; no apologies.  Just a lengthy discussion of all the things I did when he left me.  Me attempting to move on and build some semblance of a life in the aftermath of us was all we talked about.  All that did was generate this misplaced guilt-making me feel like I had to prove I was all in.  The REAL truth of the matter, I was ALWAYS here; I wasn't the one who left...

It was crystal clear- I don't want to live with Landon; he doesn't deserve me.  I had been silently resisting the whole time.  He had done absolutely NOTHING to deserve my devotion, and was proving to me with each passing day that everything else in his life was far more important.  Sure, we had talked; ALOT; but nothing ever changed.  That thought had been lingering within the seams of my subconscious for months now.  It was like a switch had been flipped-I no longer cared.  I no longer noticed that a broken date didn't bother me.  When Adonis would reach out wanting to spend time together, I no longer cringed.  If Landon asked me to do something, it wasn't my priority.  I no longer felt obligated to do ANYTHING.  I was done.  I owed Landon nothing, not even a conversation.  There was nothing left to say.  I'm not a clown, I don't perform nor compete for your attention like the other members of the circus.  Besides, how many ways can you say this shit is wack?!  If we progressed passed this point, it would not be on my account.  If  Landon wanted any part of Avri James, he was going to have to go out and get it because little by little, the walls that protected me from Landon so long ago began to come back up.  I didn't feel him anymore.  For the longest, I didn't think I would be able to protect myself again.  I was relieved.  Perhaps it was really all out of my system.  My heart was giving me an out.  Maybe, just maybe, I WOULD move on, and allow myself the happiness I deserve elsewhere...

The time I spent with Adonis was no longer being squandered.  Once I became willing and open to getting to know him better, we actually had a lot of fun.  We shared many of the same things in common.  It had been so long since a man was genuinely interested in the things I cared about, and just doing things for the sake of seeing me smile.  I had forgotten what it meant to hold a man's full attention.  His patience with me was impressive-but it was his persistence that really won me over.  From the start, I told him how I felt about Landon.  I came into it completely closed off, just wanting a distraction; with no intentions of it developing into anything more.  I've been keeping him purposefully at arm's length.  Even with that being said, Adonis quietly stayed in his lane, waiting for to come around.  I was meeting him in the city later on that day for lunch...

Adonis's face was already in a full smile as I approached.  He was seated in a booth by the front windows of Tad's off 33rd Street, watching my every movement.  This was absolutely my favorite steakhouse in all of NYC; you can literally smell the steak cooking from blocks away.  "You know this could be our spot...we could meet here once a week; I know you love it here.  Your face lights up every time we come.  I wonder what else makes you smile like that?!"  I slid silently into the booth across from him, still smiling.  Just the fact that he was interested in the things that made me smile...this is why I'm here.  I hope one day to be able to give Adonis the honest shot that HE deserves...

Our dates always ended special.  Sometimes what we did after the designated spot was better than the date itself.  Tonight we ended up in Central Park at Belvedere Castle.  It didn't come as too much of a surprise, I knew we would eventually make it here. We had passed by it one day while we were on a carriage ride, and there was a photo shoot going on.  Despite me being born in Queens, I had never been inside.  Adonis is an excellent listener-especially when it comes to Avri James-and always jumps at the opportunity to share a first experience with me.  I walked across the drawbridge, and from inside I could see a faint glow.  As I approached, the light grew brighter.  I came into view of several large white column candles.  Adonis was beside with a basket in one hand, and a mini torch in the other to light the remaining candles.  He opened the basket, which held a blanket, 2 small pillows, my favorite chocolate, and a brand new hard bound journal with a matching pen.  I got an immediate erection upon seeing the book!  Adonis spread the blanket out in between the candles, and carefully laid the pillows down on top of it.  "I couldn't let your big news go uncelebrated.  It's absolutely amazing what you have done with The Crystal Staircase, and it's about time it's being recognized.  You're in your element when you write, so I wanted to set the scene for your creation process.  Go ahead, write something DOPE."  He stopped, made himself comfortable next to me, and pulled out a book.  He opened it, peering over the top at me, pretending not to be watching me.  I couldn't help but smile.  I ran my fingers over the journal cover.  It was beautiful-pink and gold; my favorite colors.  I didn't know what to say.  NO MAN, not even Landon, had ever expressed the least amount of interest in my writing.  Here Adonis was, sacrificing some of the precious time we had together to sit and watch me write.  "Can you please just tell me why, in spite of everything, you are so wonderful to me?!"  I blurted out without even thinking.  He propped himself up on one elbow, making direct eye contact with me.  Adonis began to stroke the back of my hand. "Because, you are WORTH the wait; not just a woman, but a potential LIFE partner that deserves to be treated that way, regardless of the label on what we have.  In a word full of liabilities, you, Avri James, are a true ASSET; and you make my life BETTER."  There was nothing I could say in that moment that wouldn't take away from the beauty of it, and so, I reached out to hug him.  It was nice, and it didn't feel at all weird.  "Well, I don't perform well under pressure, but I do have a few ideas that have been swirling around in my head all night; it can't hurt to get them down on paper.  Adonis looked as pleased as he did that very first day I agreed to have ice cream with him.  I eased back on my pillow, smile still on my face, and relaxed.  I opened my new journal and lifted it to my face to inhale the pages...it smelled new, and fresh; full of possibilities...