"Reminant"

 

Each day, we wake up a different person, with brand new potential to present a better version of ourselves than we did the previous day.  Your soul silently whispers without cease its greatest desires, telling you exactly what it wants...but how closely are we actually listening?  How often do we comply?  At what point do we stop automatically doing what our minds tell us we SHOULD be doing, what's safer and KNOWN?!  Who the Fuck told Ego that they were running shit...

Mini Rant?! Yes.  Completely Necessary and Not Random?!  Absolutely.  See, when other people experience unexplained shifts in their mood, if they're unable to identify the source, they have someone they can divulge their feelings to in a safe space to figure out what's going on inside of them.  It's free of judgement or ridicule.  They rely on their PERSON.  Me?! Avri?!  I apparently don't get a Person-at least not the one that both myself and the Universe felt I would be safe with.  My person comes with a bunch of bullshit ass red tape that I am expected to navigate who gives Caveats that he cannot be trusted, that you WILL be hurt.  Oh, and bitch you better be able to articulate the indescribable; because you are only getting a minute or two, whatever I can spare, for you to unpack complex feelings and emotions.  My entire life, outside of my Mother, No One has filled this role in ANY real capacity.  It has never bothered me, and it taught me how to Trust myself and my own instincts FIRST.  It's the only betrayal you can guard yourself against.  The GOD in me has always known and embraced this.  The Human in me, however, has struggled with that aspect for as long as I can remember.  She is incapable of comprehending why I cannot demand the Reciprocity from those who claim Love me.  It's like dealing with a headstrong child; why does she flat out refuse to accept that some people will NEVER give you what you give them?  No matter how hard you Love, or how you show up for them, they will ALWAYS take, and not be willing to return it (Remember that bout of depression you were going through last year Landon, and I came and picked you up, and helped put you back together over the course of the next several days?!🤔)?  This is precisely where I was mentally...

It felt like a breakdown, but with no apparent catalyst.  My insides felt all types of crazy.  I even tried to talk to Landon about it, more than once, but my feelings were being minimized, and I was being dismissed as usual for something that was more important than me, and my issue fell to the wayside like so many other things on so many other occasions.  In typical Avri fashion, I let it go, like it was no big deal.  After all, he did tell you not to trust him.  When people tell (and show) you exactly who they are, BELIEVE them.  I didn't even know what I was feeling; this nigga was in NO position to help me figure it out.  I left for my Girls Trip with Melanie in a FURY.  Those 5 minutes Landon managed to muster up to see me off had me FUMING.  In those moments, my human self was OVER IT.  I decided right then and there, on that curb, while he spent that time scrolling through his phone to show me something completely irrelevant to Avri James and the here and now that I had officially outgrown Landon and this entire situation.  Today, I wasn't in the mood to wait my turn.  I wasn't in the mood to wait my turn ever again...Better question Bitch, when is it EVER your turn?!  Right.

Sooo, all of this was happening on the inside...and the only one in the entire world who had any idea of what I was going through was my person in proxy, Melanie.  I was feeling so shitty, that I nixed the island escape altogether.  Since I had no idea what was really going on inside, who knew what the end result was going to be.  After the encounter with Landon, I decided to Nix the island getaway altogether.  It was the bow on the coffin.  If I fell apart I didn't need a tropical backdrop to do it up against.  I'll save that for when I'm back to fantastic😁.  Instead, we Re-Vamped our Glamping trip and found an amazing secluded rental with all the creature comforts, even a beautiful back deck with a gorgeous view.  I felt no desire to inform Landon of the plan change; For What?!  He was only my person when it was convenient for him.  He went across the country and didn't even mention it until he got back...girl please; you are NOT his person😂 The plan was to use the next couple of days to rid myself of his energy.  It was perfect; if it's one thing I do right, it was to disappear when necessary.  I would have no problem avoiding Landon for the rest of my life.  We didn't need to talk about it, I would just fade to black...

My weekend was fun; filled with plenty of Melanie antics!  Plus, with the re-integration of Drew into the the fabric of Richmond, and our lives, it was a much-welcomed distraction.  Wine came into play, and I reached full inebriation by the end of glass 2 because I opted to eat after the movie.  I don't even remember pouring the second glass(smh)!  Well, somebody was there, but who TF knows who!  I woke up in bed the next morning with my phone on the pillow next to me, revealing just how disloyal my human self is when I'm not present.  The night before, I had said fuck it to any and everything that isn't for my highest good, and to restrict access to my energy for ANYBODY I felt didn't deserve it; but I was going to do it My Way: quietly.  Human me said, "nah bitch, I'm going IN!!"  Right down to me confronting my aunt about her being selfish and petty.  Granted, it didn't make a whole lot of sense-I was carrying on 3 separate conversations at the same time-one with my Aunt, a friend of mine, and Landon.  However, my human self did manage to say she was done with Landon, and whatever this nonsense was.  "Oh, ok, so we standing on this?!  I know we were talking cash shit, but we have been here before.  I figured you were just going to take the next couple of days to work our shit out in silence, and then return to your one-sided scenario with 'Only His Shit Matters' Landon."  Damn, even my logical mind has decided to disassociate herself from this situation...I sat with that; for a MINUTE...I picked up the phone to send on final message, I tried to tell you something was bothering me, but as usual, something else was more important."  To be fair, he KNOWS things I suppress have the tendency to resurface for me in a very negative way when alcohol is involved-especially when it comes to him.  "This shit is sooooo wack; its UNBELIEVABLE that he can't see it; fuck that; FEEL how corney it is.  It feels Un-natural...We LOVE Landon, and know heart.  This is just NOT enough.  His fiends get more of his attention then you do...notice I said ATTENTION, not time...Nah Bitch..."  I swear, when I grow up, I want to be JUST LIKE my Higher Self; Now She's dope...

I got out of bed determined to have the best day ever.  Luckily for me, I always over pack, so I had every (Avri) creature comfort a girl could ask for-even my books!  After the most luxurious shower I had ever taken in my life (I mean, there were 3 showerheads AND a detachable hose; let your imagination wander!), I ordered groceries to make lunch.  It was going to be a full moon that night, and I wanted to be planted and set up deck side with the fire fully going, taking it all in by the time it rose.  Melanie brought her cards too; we spent the rest of the day making candles, drinking wine and eating cheese; being silly and enjoying each other's company.  There's nothing like partaking in the perfection that is cannabis out in nature.  It's a Peace that surpasses all understanding.😍  The moonrise was brilliant in all its glory.  We sat outside, basking in its glow.  Melanie finally broke the silence by asking me some off the wall question about Drew-to which my response was uncontrollable giggling.  Don't ask me questions while I'm under the influence!  I sat, looking at Melanie, admiring the transparency of her feelings.  If something was happening to her on the inside, she was RELENTLESS in the pursuit of figuring it out.  Mel literally does not GAF how her reaction or response is perceived from the outside, she was GOING to act on her feelings.  Circumstances be damned; to Hell with the Fallout.  Blowing her life up would simply be a casualty of war.  She would just build a better one that brought her more happiness.  Melanie and Drew hadn't been together in forever-Hope being the only evidence in the physical that they ever were.  And yet, here they were, exchanging cryptic messages that only they two can decipher; having clandestine meetings, filled with fairy tale references.  Melanie was fighting her own internal battle, as she chose a life completely separate from Drew, or anyone else from Richmond for that matter.  Her nerves were shot; not because she felt like she was about to throw it all away, but because she was feeling things that her soul was no longer letting her ignore, and she was tryimg to make sense of it.  Melanie could feel the PULL...That pull was dangerous, and Melanie knew it...

We wandered back inside and I made myself comfortable on the floor in front of the TV.  I asked Mel if she was going to take a nap; she responded, "Hell no, I'm up ALL night!"  30 seconds later, she was fast asleep; snuggled securely on the couch.  I smiled, grabbed a blanket, and wandered over to the window seat...hands down my favorite spot in the house!  Under a small pile of books, my planner peaked out.  "How did you make it on the trip?!  I'm not interested in anything you have to say for the next 3 days!"  I grabbed my deck of affirmation cards and shuffled.  I like to record a positive affirmation with each journal entry; I pen them in my planner too.  "Today I am at Peace.  Today I am at peace with all that has happened, all that is happening, and all that will happen."  'Yes I am!'  I said with a smile.  I grabbed my planner, flipping through the pages, searching for today's date.   My eye caught the metallic pink star I had stuck to last Tuesday.  The star was meant to signify the arrival of Lucy, my monthly visitor.  I sat straight up, this was the clearest my mind had been in two weeks.  I just realized that I had NOT received my visit from my favorite redhead this month.  I frantically flipped back to the previous month; manually counting the days between the stars.  There were 30.  I add two additional days to leave room for error.  I nervously counted the days between last week's star and today. 7.  Lucy was a week late at this point...

I sat quietly for God knows how long, trying to wrap my mind around this very new, very REAL possibility.  Was this the reason why I was feeling so screwed up on the inside?!   I had felt like I was living in the multiverse lately, not feeling like myself at all.  Shit, I had been existing in what felt like an alternate timeline since shortly after I left Detroit.  Landon has been different person in all honesty since about a month after I arrived back on Richmond.  You DO NOT KNOW THIS NIGGA.  This not the man you love, and he hasn't been.  You played yourself... The sun creeped over the horizon...FUCK! Day 8 just broke, and you just decided less than 10 hours ago, that THIS version of Landon, you not fucking wit...now Procreation was on the table?!   Yo, seriously Universe, am I being Punk'd?!  After what seemed like forever, I composed myself and drove into town.  One thing was for certain, two things for sure, I was NOT about to leave in fear of a "potentiality."  I purchased 3 different tests-"I am a thorough Bitch(s/o to SWOOP!)"😁  I didn't note a single piece scenery on the way back, actually surprising myself upon arrival back at the house.  I wasn't thinking about much; really just one thing in particular...all the words I might be FORCED to say now.  I entered the living room to encounter Mel, still sleeping soundly.   Shaking her gently, I  softly called her name. Uh-Uh Bitch, Wake UP!!  We got a test (actually 3!) to take...