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Mirror, Mirror

They say the people closest to us are reflections of who we really are inside.  If this is accurate, that was definitely my summer of inflection.  It turned out all were pure; well at least for the most part.  Parker and Tailor of course had their own motivation behind their being a me and Landon, but it actually did come from the source.  Knowing each other did help to eliminate some of the initial awkwardness, but the familiarity did give way to a different sort of issue that almost tore us apart...

So you know how it is when a relationship is new, and you're getting to know someone, there's a certain air of mystery you are able to maintain, pretty much able to reveal yourself in levels at your own discretion.  The problem with dealing with someone from around your way, ESPECIALLY a Landon, there is NO such thing!  All the things about me that you wouldn't normally get up front, Landon already knew just from being on Richmond.  There was no hiding, and definitely no secrets.  If there was even the smallest hint of anything inauthentic, it was IMMEDIATELY addressed.  I found this to be extremely frustrating.  There had never been anybody that knew me that way.  

Letting him in was the hardest thing I ever had to do. 

Being that close to someone can prove to be challenging; at times it felt like the beginning of the end.  It's so much harder to face yourself, and actually have to experience the pains we inflict on others.  When we are upset, very rarely do we think of anything, other than what we need to feel better.  Landon was a different type of mirror all together; painful in fact.  His tantrums were emotionally unbearable; rivaled only by my own.  When we weren't speaking, it was like life as I knew it was completely changed, and we would never get back to the way it was supposed to be.  I couldn't think, let alone write a word for that matter.  In those times, all I wanted was him out of my head and my heart; to be able to go back to that quiet space where things couldn't hurt me.

I was taken waaayy out of my comfort zone; saying thing I NEVER thought I could, and share feelings that, in my mind, should have never seen the light of day.  I found myself trying to figure out and decipher things that I NEVER had to wonder about.  We went from a place of complete synchronicity, where words were trivial; to me having to put every feeling into words.  It finally got to be too much for me, and so, against my will, I had to let go...It felt like my heart was being shredded right there in my chest.  Funny thing is, I never even told him I let go.  I was sooo emotionally exhausted, I just did it, and went back to my quiet place.  I didn't know what else to do.  All I wanted was for all the bullshit to be over, and life to stop getting in the way of what already perfect.  I wanted to go back to what was actually REAL.  I wasn't interested in anything else.  I just wanted what I felt for him to stop, so I could breathe...

If I was any indication on how long this would last, an eternity still wouldn't have put us back together the way we were supposed to be.  When the shoe was on my foot, I was relentlessly unforgiving.  I would take myself as far as my anger would allow before I conceded.  With everything that was said, none of it was actually what SHOULD have been.  It's absolutely amazing to me the things we will put ourselves through just so that we can feel some type of way.  I mean, at what point do we throw caution to the wind and go for broke?!  Never had I ever been in love to the point to where I would do that; and then came him...


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