Novice

 

If you want to change your narrative, you have change your mentality.  Avri James' new narrative reads, "Love is for Suckas."  It's the perfect thought process for where I am right now.  None of it matters anymore.  They say fidelity and monogamy are the aspects of life that separate us from the animal kingdom.  Without it, our sexuality and the pursuit thereof, rivals that of beasts.  I used to think the purest connection was of that between a man, and the woman he loves.  It's all a Fallacy; there's no such thing.  The only person we ever truly love and honor is OURSELVES.  That's the only one we really care for at the end of the day, and the happiness we concern ourselves with most.  The only flaw to this logic is, unfortunately, as humans, we are in need of a significant other.  We were not made to walk alone.  Therefore, it stands to reason, if we choose NOT to walk alone, at some point in time, there will be compromises to be made, then we are accepting SOLO for DOLO.  That's it; point blank period.  We do not reserve the right to hold others emotionally hostage; having them conform to an ideal that they do not agree with because of their feelings for you.  Feelings can and WILL change; especially if your emotions are consistently being thrown into turmoil...YES, there is a such thing as GREAT LOVE; the shit that's WORTH fighting for; the shit you can't live without.  It's the kind of love sooo special, it transcends anything ordinary; where time just doesn't matter.  The thought of ever being without them, or you having a life with someone else, is just some shit that just doesn't register.  I thought being INSIDE that type of Love was the closest I was going to get to heaven while I still had breath.  Nah.  It took me straight to Purgatory instead...

Purgatory-the "Gray Beyond."  It's being perpetually STUCK.  To never need to decide; to exist in the exact same space for all eternity.  No moving forward; and no steps back...An unending Shitstorm.  You aren't anything here, you just exist.  You're not going anywhere.  I'm definitely not trying to be here.  It's been long enough, it's time to move on...

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do; but my mind was made up.  I had WAY too much to give to just waste it on a man that really didn't want it.  I just kept telling myself that my feelings would change.  I've done it before; I would do it again; erase Landon from my psyche and expel him from my heart permanently.  It just wasn't worth it.  I already told you, I deserve it ALL; and I WILL have it-with somebody else.  Even though Adonis was "officially" out of the picture, he found ways to keep in touch.  I was so caught up in my Landon BS, I had been playing him to the left for months now.  After the craziness of the past few months, the ONE straw finally caught the camel's back; it became painfully obvious that was NEVER going to be just he and I.  I decided I had had enough.  "You're not getting what you want because you are not where you should be.  He doesn't want you; go where it is you are WANTED. Are you insane?!  He was NEVER yours."  YOOOO!!!  Sometimes you have to say the things that cross your mind-Avri James is a profound Bitch!!  She be saying some shit!!  "Stop doing this to yourself!!"  My thoughts were now screaming at me.  At long last, I stopped fighting.  It is what it is.  I went to social media, and navigated to my Direct Messages.  The last one I received was from Adonis; he was active and online...

It took me several minutes to go through the entire backlog of unanswered messages, "I miss you...", "I want to see you...", "I love the way you smell...", "I can't get you off my mind...", "be mine...".   It continued like this throughout the entire thread; message after message.  The most recent one said he had transferred to NYU, and would be completing his engineering residency over the next 2 years.  "I need a friend."  I thought about the last time we were together-it had been the perfect date.  The longer I sat and thought, I couldn't remember for the life of me why I had stopped talking to Adonis in the first place!  It suddenly all came back; "You started to FEEL something Avri; you got scared of the POSSIBILITY..."  Oh yea, that IS right!  lol  Fuck fear of the unknown.  At long last, I responded to Adonis...