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Occulous


Well, I tried. I tried REALLY hard, but I'm at the end of my rope.  It's been almost two years, and we are still in exactly the same place; Too afraid to move in either direction.  I've never wanted anything as badly as this, which is precisely the reason I fight so hard.  However, at the end of the day, you cannot fight alone.  It's absolutely fucking amazing to me...I used to lie in bed at night sometimes when we couldn't be together and imagine what it would be like when we were.  There had been so many things that stood in our way that were seemingly out of our control; when we finally got the opportunity, there would be absolutely NOTHING stopping us.  What happened to the Landon who knew how precious every minute we have is, and not willing to waste a single moment?!  How quickly we forget what it took (and how long!) for us to get back HERE.  Doesn't he remember what it was like to only be together in our heads with no real hope of it ever being more?!  I've watched one casualty after another fall victim to one or the both of us because we were not brave enough to seek each other out, and do what it took to be together.  So instead, we took the easy way out, attempting to fill our void elsewhere; failing every time.  Then, suddenly, after what seemed like a lifetime, there we were; Occupying an identical space in time. It was MAGIC.  There was nothing and no one around but US.  The universe had made the IMPOSSIBLE happen.  Um, hello, what the fuck more can you ask for?!  You can't still believe in coincidence; it was Serendipity in it's FINEST hour.  The rest of the way is on us...

It blows my mind how much bullshit people will endure; especially at their own hands.  We habitually sabotage ourselves over FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN.  Neither one of us are gamblers.  We don't make any decision lightly.  Every detail is thought out, researched 3 times over, and still; majority of the time, a decision is not made until the last possible minute.  When it came down to Landon and I, we just jumped; headfirst.  Somehow, we both just knew it was worth it.  This unknown was going to take us a place we had only begun to imagine.  I'm sorry, but destiny couldn't be knocking any harder!  With all that being said, almost two years later, we are the only ones standing in our way?!  What the fuck are we waiting on, someone else to come in and have the potential to separate us yet again?!  Or better yet, it's all that fun we missed out on being miserable and apart, and being with people who, let's face it, weren't good enough.  I'm guessing we need a few more years of the absolute FUCKERY before we realize that HERE, is where we were always meant to be.  We could be unstoppable if we just ACCEPT what IS; RIGHT NOW.  At this point we look crazy.  All the back and forth mixed with the pettiness; something that has NEVER been us, and you are still wondering why there's so much discord?!  Stop creating problems where they don't exist, and ADDRESS them where they do.  Get the fuck out of your feelings for a split second and look at the damage your behavior is causing to your significant other.  This has the potential to wear them down until there's nothing left.  Understand that feelings are not mechanisms of control, and cannot be manipulated to suit your own ends.  Love is freely given and received.  I prove everyday how I feel about Landon through my ACTIONS.  I have SHOWN him what I'm about, not just spoken on it.  I do EVERYTHING I say I will, regardless of how he has made me feel.  I never lose sight of how I feel for Landon, and allow it to translate to how I treat him from one day to the next.  I just wish for one day, he could place himself in my shoes and intake all of that energy he gives off just to see how much of it he can take before his subconscious is ready to fight me.  WE GET WHAT WE GIVE OFF.  Point blank period.  If it's not what you want, CHANGE THE FLOW...

To do so, however, would mean relinquishing childish ways, and choosing real, lasting happiness over childish tantrums and all the extra shit you think your are missing by us being in this stagnated state.  Our place of peace should be so special, if you were ever outside it, you would do any and everything in your power to return us there as soon as possible-not prolong the process.  So, if a situation does happen to arise, it bothers us so much that we can't wait to talk about it to get out of that space and back to where we belong.  It should feel like CANCER.  There's no way in Hell we should want to remain here.  That's EXACTLY where I am right now.  He always takes it too far, and doesn't know when to stop.  Meanwhile, the one person in the world you KNOW for a fact adores you, gets fed up and ends up letting go while you're over there in the corner continuing to show your ass.  You never even stopped to realize you no longer have an audience... 

It wasn't by chance the biggest risk we ever took had amazing results...But if he can't see that, I can't make him.  Fuck it all.  I don't know what else to do, I literally give up.  I cannot squeeze water from a rock.  You don't want me, then fine.  Its simple to say.  It's mind blowing to find out your are dispensable.  When it's all said and done, I fought this time; HARD.  You let me go Landon; AGAIN, for more of your selfish, unwarranted reasons.  Never have two people been more compatible and deserving of this type of happiness, and been so afraid to pursue it.  Stubborn is the wrong word; STUPID is more like it. Our time is being squandered; Instead of it being used to live the life we have always dreamed of having, and doing what we CAN.  It's been long enough, and our time is NOW.  We belong together in THESE moments-we have no idea if tomorrow will ever come.  The most frustrating time in my life was during the timeframe when Landon and I couldn't be together.  I hated the sense of powerlessness over our situation, and how much influence outside factors had.  This, what we are going through now is just CORNEY.  It makes no sense.  I was MADE for him; so that's where I belong.  I mean damn Landon, don't you want it ALL?!  Sometimes you have to let go of the good to get to the GREAT.  We were NEVER prepared to jump my Love, we just DID IT...   

 

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