Luminous

 

Knowing your own mind can keep you in some hot shit when it comes to other people...I closed the box and placed it on my nightstand and eased back onto the pillows propped up on my bed.   The silence after he asked the question was almost deafening.  One thing I've learned through my interactions with others is to not be pressured into an immediate response; potentially saying something you don't mean.  No matter how excruciating your delay my be for the other person, it will be nothing compared to what you will endure if you are pushed into an unwanted situation.   I wanted to choose the exact right words to convey precisely what I felt to Adonis; causing as little damage as possible, but very clear and direct as far as who and what we are.  After spending the end of the night with a complete stranger who had been misled by love too many times to count, I wasn't about to have any had in the creation of what ever new monster emerges from all of this...

"Adonis, listen to me, and listen to me carefully.  You are absolutely amazing.  I love your attentiveness, and willingness to try anything once.  You make it your business to shift my mood when I'm down, even if you don't know the reason why; you never need to.  Regardless of how busy you are, you always find a way to let me know I'm on your mind.  When it comes to the things a woman wants from a man, I can't think of not one box you don't check.  What you have to understand is, as we are consciously building that list, our soul is unconsciously making another list entirely, all on its own of things it needs from that individual...shit you are totally unaware of, yet you simply cannot live without.  If you are lucky enough to know yourself, sometimes you catch glimpses; little hints of your soul's desires.  when that happens, it makes it harder and harder for that superficial list of things you wanted to be enough.  What's missing isn't anything that can be vocalized; that I can tell you; it's just a KNOWING...What I do know for certain is, YOU don't have IT; not for me, anyway..."  

I braced myself  for whatever man tantrum was surely about to come.  He listened quietly on the other end; waiting until I finished to speak.  What he said was a genuine surprise, "I actually understand that; honestly, I do.  As a matter of fact, it's one of the things that drew me to you in the beginning.  I wanted to get to that part of you that no one else gets to see.  Before you, I didn't even know there were unseen parts to the equation...Then, all of a sudden, there was Avri.  You are DIFFERENT; in the world, but not really APART of it.  I can really SEE you; all the time.  I thought to myself, maybe, just maybe, if I can be a constant source of happiness for you, you would SHOW me, and one day, let me be enough for you.  YET, that unseen part of you is ETERNAL and UNDYING-She just KNOWS.  No matter how hard you may try to break that, you simply CANNOT; it just IS...there is no way around that, and I see that now.  can you answer something for me though?!  Relieved, I quickly responded, "Of course, anything..."  "Do you still FEEL him?!"  He paused to wait for my response, "Honestly, Yes, I do."  "Really?! But When?"  I answered, "When I breathe."  "Wow," Adonis began, "I don't even talk like this, but that is one LUCKY motherfucker..."  He left it at there.  I promised him one day, that connection he so desperately wanted would come to him if he kept his intentions pure, and stopped settling for less than EVERYTHING when it came to love.  It will CERTAINLY happen.  Despite everything that had happened, I still have the same hope for myself.  We had a strong LIKE for each other; that's a fact...but we didn't have IT...

For the very first time since it all began, I felt like we had finally arrived at our destination.  From now on, he and I would be able to vibe from the place we were always meant to be.  We chatted for a little bit longer, about this thing or that, and made lunch plans for the following day.  Enjoying each other's company has never been an issue for us.  I got off the line feeling very peaceful.  The conversation could not have gone better.  It's rare, yet thoroughly satisfying NOT to have to defend the way you feel.  That's just it; IT, cannot be explained.  It's random, irrational, hap-hazard, and absolutely WONDERFUL-all at the same time.  Good, Bad, Up or Down; it doesn't matter; what is, just IS.  Even if we aren't, we still ARE...At the end of the day, it all comes from the same place.  We react BECAUSE we Love...

I sat up for a little while longer, reading, and thinking about Adonis's revelation.  Instead of him interpreting my response as flat out rejection, he was able to take it for what it was; trying to catch Sunshine in a Bottle.  It bothered me a little, I'm not going to lie, it kind of stung a bit to fully come to the realization that someone so great still couldn't move me.  It took me being a really big person to say eventually, some girl would come along that deserved all he had to give, and he would fade from my life.  As I closed my book, and laid it on the bed beside me, a text text message flashed across my phone screen.  It was from Adonis; "Hmm, I wonder what ELSE he has to say?!"  I thought to myself.  The message read, "Last thing, I promise, and I'll let it go forever...If you gave me that chance, and then for some insane reason both Heaven and Earth move, and Landon felt you too, needing that energy back, would you leave me?!"  I responded without thought, "It's the one thing in all of this I can absolutely GUARANTEE."  I fell back onto my mountain of pillow, closed my eyes, and smiled.  I was living my absolute truth.  Nothing could bring a more restful night's sleep...