Beyond

 “This is it, I promise.”  Landon’s voice was once again disturbing the tranquility of “Babbling Brook”.  I didn’t mind though, his willingness to talk and eagerness to understand felt nice; it felt RIGHT.  I smiled, eyes still closed, and groggily whispered, “Landon please, tomorrow.  We can pick up right from here, and I guarantee you, it’s not your final question!”  “I know, but you know you can’t tell a piece of something, or teach me something, especially when it’s about us, and not expect me to want to know everything right now.  You know I’m nosey like that!”  I smiled again, giving in, “Ok my love, what is it?!”  He perked up and got comfortable, attention completely focused on me.  “So you mean to tell me, all this time everything was as simple as honest conversation?! I mean, all the bullshit, the back and forth, had we just stayed true to what was already there, and rocked with it, then none of this would have happened?!”  His gaze intent…

  “Well no, not exactly.  All I ever wanted was to give you the absolute, most tremendously wonderful and fulfilling experience two people could ever choose to have.  Far BEYOND, and more COMPLETE than any ordinary relationship can ever be.  I wanted a place where you and I would know what it means to TRULY be SAFE.  Everything that happened was necessary to the point we have arrived at; THIS moment; right now.  We wouldn’t be here, in this way, having this deeply meaningful and powerful conversation.  Before the last 2.5 years and all it’s Shenanigans, we only knew each other in one way; the private space reserved for only you and I; where nothing else exists.  That’s cool, however, for us to love each other as intensely as we do, and wanting to be together, we needed to know EXACTLY who each other was; Entirely.  Not only that, but more importantly, what one another was capable of, and just how far we would go before reaching our breaking point.  We even got to see how we each handle emotional stress.  You avoid it, and run away.  I hold things in until I explode.  We both end up taking how the other chooses to deal with their respective feelings personally.  Which, we should because we should have been talking to each other instead of trying to deal with a situation by ourselves we didn’t create alone.  We were trying to put each other into these boxes we didn’t fit in, both too afraid to trust the intensity of what we felt, and dealt with our emotions foolishly.  From the beginning, I knew that there was a distinct period of time that all men go through after a major breakup in which case they need to do whatever it is they feel like doing.  Emotional Maturity would dictate that I should have talked to you about it when it first came to mind.  But I was being selfish, hoping that if I didn’t address it, it wouldn’t come up.  Maybe it wouldn’t happen to you.  Then, when you came to me on a similar note, I realized it happened anyway, and my defenses went up, knowing full well what we had, and it was WAY more than this.  We were strong enough, I just couldn’t believe that because I was already sensitive, feeling like things had changed.  

All of this HAD to be just as was for me to be able to finally give you the experience I always intended us to have, and for us to both truly understand what it is we have to lose.  Where we have been, is so that EACH DAY moving forward, we live in TOTAL appreciation of what we ARE; never taking it for granted again.  We LEARNED each other; I mean from the INSIDE OUT.  It’s time for us to graduate, and finally start applying that shit to our REAL lives together!”  He smiled and kissed my forehead.  “Emotional Maturity, huh?!  So that’s what this feeling is called?!  And you’re sure, all I have to do keep it is TRUST the love you have for me, the way I trust what I feel for you; be true to it, then I can feel this way ALL the time?!”  I laughed.  “I didn’t come up with the concept or anything, so I don’t know the exact rules, but I can say this for sure.  Even when we are upset, our exchange still has to remain as loving and open as it is right now; leaving no reason for either one of us to EVER fear facing one another again for ANY reason.  It’s the NOT dealing with it that hurts the most.  I can absolutely agree if you do, that’s more than enough to keep me happy and smiling for a long, long time.”  “Emotional Maturity,” he said again.  “I like it…”

We repositioned ourselves more comfortably for sleep, and I started to settle down.  Suddenly, a thought came to mind.  “This is it Avri, time to practice what you preach.”  I tapped Landon lightly on the chest.  “What’s up Baby?!”  “I have to tell you something.  I know I was weird at times throughout all of this, doing and saying things completely out of character for me.  I apologize.  I just didn’t know how to operate in that space.  Lashing out came from a real fear of losing you.  Sure, I knew how my version of you felt about me, but I was unfamiliar with this other side of you, or what he was capable of.  HE just might walk away from me.  When I’m afraid, I fight.  I had to tell you, I didn’t want it to be one of those things unsaid that later resurfaced in the presence of alcohol!  Ok, that’s all of it; I swear.”  He laughed a little, sleepily, and pulled me closer.  “Thank you for trusting me with your feelings, Baby.  I know how hard it is for you to let go, because I’m the same; shit, maybe worse.  We are going to keep telling each other the tough stuff; till it becomes as easy and comfortable to say as the good stuff.  You just taught me that some great things can come from a place that seemed difficult.  It’s all about where it TAKES us.  You don’t need to be afraid.  You won’t regret it, I promise.  Oh, but Umm Umm Umm,” he said clearing his throat, “Um, Ms James?!”, now directly looking at me.  “What?!” I said incredulously.  Half a second later I realized, and said smiling, “and neither do you; there is nothing for you to fear, or any reason for you to ever feel regret!”  I kissed him all over his face in reassurance.  “Cool.  So long as you remember Emotionally Mature men have feelings too!”  See what happens when you teach people words?! Lol..

We must have drifted off at some point after that because the next thing I knew, the sun was creeping in through the blinds.  I could feel Landon lightly stirring next to me.  This is how it almost always was; him waking up just moments after I did.  It’s like his subconscious knows I’m up and doesn’t want to leave me up on my own for too long!  “Good morning Baby.”  He said sleepily.  “Good Morning Love.  I’m about to make Tea, would you like some?!”  “Hmmm, Yea.  Tea sounds good,” he said, coming to a semi-upright position.  “But before you do that, there’s something I need you to do for me first.”  “Ok, what?!”  I asked.  “Come here, let me show you; you gotta get down low, under the covers to see it though!”  I smiled, and let him pull me down beneath the surface of the blankets.  We spent a long time submerged in those sheets.  Needless to say,  no tea got made, let alone drank.  It was the beginning of a perfect day for us; and the best part of it all was knowing it was the first of many.  

To Love and BE Loved This Way is INDESCRIBABLE…