More Than Love

 

Life pressed on, as it always does.  My letter remained open with no response.  I went about my normal one-two, keeping myself occupied with all the city had to offer.  Spring had finally arrived, and the months of being indoors were at an end.  Things were ALIVE around me, and I could feel it, for the first time in a long time.  My emotions were on “Triple E”-I was completely depleted, and had nothing left but 0 fucks to give.  Adonis and I couldn’t wait to get Outside!  He was making his way to Richmond as we speak.  After more than a year of  tip-toeing around a man pretending to be Landon, I fully accepted the fact that this wasn’t MY LANDON, and that I was going to have to sever all ties.  That letter was his last and final opportunity to keep Avri James in his world in ANY way.  Initially, I felt some type of way, I mean this is the other half of me.  That moment of weakness is what generated the letter.  Something inside felt like I had to at least let him know that this was at deal-breaking proportions.  If I loved him as I say I do, he at least deserved to know.  His silence was all the response I needed.  I wished more than anything that everything inside me wasn’t in such opposition to my decision.  It would be so much easier to walk away and never look back…

I was momentarily lost in one of these thoughts when Adonis pulled up.  We settled on my porch and contemplated where it was we wanted to eat along the waterfront.  A few seconds later, my Aunt appeared in the doorframe of my hallway.  “Avri, PHONE!”  I had a bewildered look in my face, as no one calls my house for me.  “Who is it, Jessie?!”, my niece, and the only one still using a landline?! “Um, no.” She said low and ominously. I shrugged, not sure who it might be, excused myself from Adonis and took the call… “Hello?!”  “Hey, are you busy?!”  The voice on the other end said.  I froze for half a second from shock-it was Landon; I knew I had to take it.  I replied “no”, and made my way inside to find a quiet place to talk.  I could feel the anxiety rising in my chest; creeping slowly up to my throat.  I wasn’t ready for this-but are we ever really?!  Fuck it.  I took a deep breath, and dove in head first.  It was time to take a stroll down memory lane, back to my return to Richmond, and force the man I love to stand face to face with his shortcomings, and help him realize the part he played in the development of our entire situation; bringing us to this current crossroad.  A place you and I were never meant to be…

“We are in this space because of YOU.  Because of your decision to ONCE AGAIN change our dynamic without telling me-making decisions that effect us both.  It all stems from you being upset with me about something I said and/or did, that should never have effected us in the first place, but you allowed your feelings to take over.  Instead of you telling me what was bothering you, you chose to punish me, playing on the one thing you knew would hurt me; alienating yourself.  You did this trying to get rid of the way you were feeling.  That doesn’t work for adults, you gotta face it.  You should have stopped and realized the reason why you were so upset is because you Love Me, and didn’t want to be in that uncomfortable space with me; there’s a perfect order to our universe.  Our connection is EVERYTHING; we are supposed to Be from the INSIDE OUT- but you were too selfish to see past the hurt, or even accept that’s what you were, hurt, and in pain.  You didn’t ever think after we reconnected in a million years that anyone could come between us.  Technically you were right; it wasn’t just anything, it was you…

You should have trusted my love for you and been able to express yourself and tell me what was happening to you on the inside.  Instead, you pushed me away, made me feel crazy, and left me by myself to deal with a full range of emotions.  At one point, you even told me to see other men.  I didn’t give that any credit for an entire year, yet the moment I did, and was honest about it, you got nasty with me, and in true Landon fashion, stop speaking to me, yet again.  Lest we forget, by this point, you had taken it upon yourself to throw an innocent bystander into the mix.  You have been running around for the past 2.5 years behaving like a child, not willing to address ANY action you take, or even stopping to think about that fact that you have been allowing your emotions to dictate your behavior.  The you are effecting people you supposedly care about means nothing to you.  Children get hurt, lash out, and DO shit that they have a hard time coming back from.  You can SAY what you want; you are actually out here DOING homie.  It could have been as simple as you coming to me and saying, “I don’t like what’s happening between us.  I need to say what’s on my mind because I’m ready to get back to our place of peace.”  And just like that, it would have happened, and that’s where we would be right now…

I haven’t allowed you into that place in a VERY LONG time, and that is completely intentional.  I don’t trust you, and the neurotic teenager you have reverted to.  When are you going to wake the fuck up and realize that this is one of your tantrums that has gotten way out of control that has been raging for the better part of 2 years?!  It’s time to let all of that bullshit GO, admit you went too far, and stop yourself before you go over the edge.  There is no going BACK; there’s only FORWARD.  No secrets, no lies, no unexpressed emotions-JUST US; as it was meant to be.  We were never designed for outside interference.  Owning EVERY part of what you feel someone, no matter how intense, is the true sign of transitioning into an adult relationship.  Having no reservations about it’s intensity, and responding to any and all situations with that FACT always at the forefront of your mind is how we make it happen…

Have an adult moment with yourself; a nice, long, quiet one where you ask yourself, ‘what do I feel INSIDE for Avri?  Outside of ANY bullshit, what does she MEAN to me?’  Once you arrive at the answer, then say, ‘What am I potentially transferring to someone else that’s REALLY for and/or about her?!  How much of my current situation was allowed to develop because I was in my feelings about Avri, and felt some type of way because she pulled away at the way I was treating her?  Would I even be here had I been man enough to face her and own how I feel?’  I want you to really take your time, and SIT with these thoughts and whatever feelings arise.  Don’t be afraid.  Whatever arises, so be it, but you HAVE to start saying some shit inside that REALLY matters, and is going to effect some REAL change in your life.  Dig for what’s important and fight for it.  The last time you did, something AMAZING happened; you found your way out of the dark.  You found YOURSELF, and was finally able to honor YOU.  Do you remember how good that felt?!  How addictive that feeling was?!  So what’s the REAL apprehension in exploring your emotions and looking at shit for what it actually is?!  Perhaps it’s because you are afraid to discover that what you’ve been doing, isn’t really the business at all.  Do yourself a favor and think about it ALL; before it’s too late and you end up right back where you began-with something and someone that was never enough for you.  If you do this, I promise, when you come to me and are ready to have a conversation from that real place, I will LISTEN, and I will respond without judgment, because I had the same conversation with myself.”

I ended my monologue there.  I had nothing left to say. He listened; but didn’t have much to say in response.  In that moment, the entirety of my emotional exhaustion came down on me.  I was tired of begging this man to remember who the fuck he is and what was on the line.  If a sham was what he wanted, no matter how ridiculous it looked from the outside, then why was I fighting so hard to help him find his way?!  If he couldn’t remember the wholeness of truly being inside one another, what it meant to occupy a space in time meant only for He and I where nothing else existed… recognizing that this is the ONLY acceptable way of being for us-Fuck it then.  I had to let him come into his own mind.  I had to accept that we may have finally arrived at the point to where Landon would be buried in a place in my heart that he could NEVER return from.  I was over it.  It’s funny, Landon’s biggest fear when it came to us was me leaving him, walking away forever.  In complete honesty, there is no force on Earth powerful enough to EVER make that happen outside of ONE…He could not have foreseen HE is the reason; HE is the only way.  All you ever wanted was for me to love you this way, and now that

 it’s ACTUALLY happening, THIS is how you treat it…