Avri Speaks

Emotional Intelligence...What a glorious thing!  Do I dare to even Dream it possible from Landon?  One thing we are NOT, my dear Avri James is a Dummy.  Time after time, this man has brought you to a certain precipice; only to disappoint; leaving you completely shattered.  Even though he keeps saying he wants ALL of your parts, anytime you display any behavior that is not pleasing(which, might I add, is generally ALWAYS prompted by one of these sudden with drawls), you don't exist.  You have endured years of emotional and physical neglect-all for the sake of you paying for some so called crime of the heart that you committed as a child; to the likes of which he was equally responsible.  Don't you dare sacrifice how far you've come and everything you've built because it Sounds good.  Remember, this won't last.  THINK baby girl; he can't breathe, so he needs to come up for air.  Landon is SMART; he can read the room too...Don't Play Yourself...

I laid back against the tree behind me heavily, an irritated groan escaped my chest, into my throat, and finally exited my mouth.  It was the culmination of truth manifesting itself in my physical body.  Whoever the Bitch was inside my head dishing out unsolicited advice was damn sure on point.  I lowkey hate that.😒  I wasn't fully ready to accept, and so I threw out an emotional rebuttal in my defense, "But everything is actually OK.  We are in a really decent space, maybe he's here for more than air..."  The response was swift, unapologetic, and devastatingly accurate.  I felt it coming as the very last word formulated in my mind.  It felt like the moment when you know there's no choice but the very thing you don't want; it felt like an ending.  I immediately regretted the entire thought process...

"Girl BYE!!  If this was cool, why are we considering anything else?  Because you have evolved beyond this juvenile approach to processing complex emotions.  You no longer have time for denial, over rationalization, and packing away all of your emotional shit in an effort to keep the peace and protect yourself from whatever may come.  Be honest with YOU; you have evolved Beyond Landon.  It wasn't intentional; he was supposed to evolve WITH you, but chose stagnation instead as his preferred state of being.  You can no longer subscribe to this type of self-sabotaging behavior.  It's detrimental and toxic.  You grew, from the inside out; expanding too far, vibrating at a frequency that he can sadly no longer match by his OWN choice.  Yes, he was there with you; for the briefest of moments in time; and yes, it was BEAUTIFUL, beyond your wildest imaginings-Landon consciously decided to let it go.  Every so often, he recognizes this, and attempts to reconnect with you.  Here we are at this same, old, tired, monotonous place, ONCE again.  This nigga can't even be bothered with coming up with a new trick!  Everyone and Everything in his life takes precedence over you.  He does NOT show up for you, EVER, nor does he support you in ANY way because he has no idea WTF is even going on in your life.  There isn't the least amount of interest shown in you or anything you have going on unless he can directly profit and/or benefit from it.  This isn't friendship; this isn't even the most basic of human connections...What it is is a waste and drain of your energy and resources-point blank period.  Stop squandering your precious essence on someone who is pissing away their potential, and keeps pushing you away because your very presence is a constant reminder of how his greatness is being unrealized.  He wants to be content in his mediocrity, because then he never has to be brave enough to go after everything he deserves.  You won't allow that, its beneath you, and you have to let it GO..."

"FFUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!"  Was my initial thought for a split second.  Then suddenly, it dissipated, just as quick as it appeared.  Yo, Thank You Sis, You really be ON your shit!  The internal conflict was over, and I was at PEACE.  I was ready to respond to Landon.  The words didn't convene in my head the way they do on a page.  It was pure feeling.  I looked down at the phone; Landon was still on the line.  Who knows how long I was mentally checked out having a whole red table discussion with myself, but I knew I had two choices at this point.  I could disconnect the call and turn my phone off-I knew Landon well enough to know that he had not had any clear and direct emotional intent when it came to me without any liquid encouragement since before I could remember.  He definitely wasn't going to repeat it.  I could simply wait him out till tomorrow or the next day, and it would be as if it never happened at all.  OR, I could face it.  Waiting him out was an old pattern of behavior that I hadn't subscribed to in a long time, and I wasn't about to go back.  Landon only came to seek me out when he realizes the world he lives and functions in isn't good enough for him, and he needs to remember who the fuck he is.  That was HIS MO, and what was happening right now.  I no longer cared about the outcome of the situation was, how he felt about what I was going to say, OR, if after that night, we never spoke again.  That would be HIS choice.  For this moment in time, I would say exactly what I felt; what was on my heart-completely free of fear.  See, what I didn't stop to realize is until that very second, was that he wasn't INSIDE anymore.  I would still feel the same tomorrow or the next day; no matter what he said.  It was done.   He had murdered our connection through repeatedly dismissing and denying it; treating it like it wasn't real.  And so Now, it wasn't...

"Avri?!"  Landon's voice pierced the silence.  I cleared my throat, responding, "I'm here."  Deep breath my nigga, you got this..."Landon, NO.  Just NO."  I stopped there.  "What?!" What you mean, 'JUST NO?!'" he said, trying his hardest to be cool and not give away the distress he was beginning to experience.  "You don't tell me No.  WTF is up wit you Avri, this don't sound like you, it sounds like that nigga you told me you were seeing after I came back around.  I told you it was aight, but I knew you couldn't handle it, everything is always about feelings when it comes to you; you such a FEMALE sometimes!"  I smiled to myself because I remembered a time when that would have been a trigger for me.  I would have rushed to defend this falsehood in an effort to protect Landon and his feelings.  It probably would have said something like, "That's not true, our connection is purely physical, nothing more.  I think of him only when I'm ready.  It's borderline disgusting how I treat him, but I'd rather be honest with him rather than to generate anymore emotional collateral.  What he chooses to accept and put up with is completely up to him.  He has ALL the Facts."  But not Tonight...

"No Landon, this is all about you and your lackadaisical approach to me.  Every exchange in lif,e with and individual is a reciprocated situation-meaning you give and you GET.  See, the way bank accounts remain open and active is by the continuous influx of not only withdrawals, but an abundance of deposits as well.  Each individual exchange with another person should be considered a joint account.  I'm the only one making deposits, yet you feel at liberty to withdraw as needed.   All you do is TAKE; and create more ways to get whatever it is you need from me at the moment.  Then, you turn around and choose to expel your energy on people, places, and things that will NEVER offer you the ANY kind return.  You are a terrible friend to me.  I could not even IMAGINE ever entertaining the idea of ever trusting you with my heart, emotions, thoughts, times, space, energy, essence, well-being, peace of mind, encouraging that's not some regurgitation of something profound I told you in the past; Shit, even a simple ride from point A to point B.  This isn't the way ANYONE is allowed to be anymore when it comes to me, and YOU chose to make yourself just like everyone else in my life and to hold no special place.  This shit is wack, I'm not interested in your latest 'crisis of identity' that does not truly exist.  I don't like you in that way anymore; and if I'm being completely honest, it would be a LIE to say it may ever come back.  You decided that for the both of us, a long time ago; I chose to accept it.  Everything is cool; you be easy and you take advantage of the many people in your life that surround you that you can have stimulating conversations with, and know your inner workings better than I do.  I will always love you. it's the ONE thing I make no apologies for, and will stand on.  Even this is done in and out of Love; but a GREATER LOVE OF SELF. I cannot allow you to use me how you see fit anymore.  Keep your distance, because you don't know how to be any other way with me, and flat out refuse to change.  Enjoy the life you've created.  I do not exist within it."

There was no response.  I was met with Silence-as expected.  When the reality of what you ACTUALLY mean to someone; which they clearly communicated to you through their actions-yet you continuously downplay based off of how important the SAY you are...You are able to gain Fresh Perspective; seeing the world with brand new eyes.  I'm tired of teaching people who seem to know precisely how to treat everyone else in their lives with me as the ONLY exception.  We lose friends walk out of our lives everyday.  Landon ran; full speed ahead...✌