Rug Burn

Have you ever been standing at the very edge of greatness, only to watch it blow away in the wind?!

It was December, and the semester was ending.  I finished my last shift at the housing office, and headed back to my room to pack.  Catrina was dropping me at the airport on her way out; I hadn't spoken to Landon in what felt like forever, and didn't even know if he was coming home.  At this point, I no longer cared.  That nagging sensation that something wasn't right had consumed me, and there was nothing left of him but that.  What I had thought was going to be the start of our REAL lives together had turned out to be pure detriment; it's so much easier to cling to the IDEA of something; it's the REALITY of it that we can't handle.  So called freedom brought about fuckery, and I'm just not for the bullshit.  The past few moths had been filled with broken promises, missed dates, and just flat out ghosting.  No matter what I said or did, I could never quite reach him.  At first, it was pure torture; all I wanted to do was figure out what was wrong so we could fix it.  It didn't even matter what it was, I was fully prepared to deal with it, and for us to move past it.  After several weeks of zero conversation, I was at the end of my rope.  With the ski trip on the horizon, and room assignments not yet finalized, I became more and more agitated.  By the time I had finished my Kombucha, my inhibition had been lowered enough to do something about it.  I'm never one to live in uncertainty, and this "gray" area, just wasn't the place for me.  I reached for my phone, and texted the very first thing that came to mind, "You have never been in an adult relationship, and I have to stop blaming myself for that."  I turned myphone of and went to sleep; I didn't even wait for a response.

At some point during the night, I felt someone vigorously poking me; it was a groggy Sylvie, room phone in hand.  "It's for you, it's Landon."  I was half asleep AND in shock, so it to a minute to realize I wasn't dreaming; I took the receiver.  The effort was commendable, especially since I had never actually spoken to him on this telephone line.  I decided to speak to him against my better judgement-if all else failed, and I got upset, perhaps it would finally give me the resolve I needed to walk away.  I had grown tired of not being a priority, and having this insane loyalty to someone who didn't seem to share that same level of feeling.  I was now faced with going on this ski trip in 2 alone.  While Catrina and Darien would be enjoying each other's company, I would be in my cozy little cottage by myself, probably writing.  It all flashed through my mind as I sat up in bed, preparing to take the call...

The one thing the combination of a nap and Kombucha did was focus my thoughts.  Generally, when it comes to Landon, I hear his voice and it goes THROUGH me; whatever I had to say is forgotten, and any anger or animosity that I am harboring immediately ceases.  This conversation was different.  We have always shared this complete aversion to vulnerability, and being a victim in any circumstance.  The capacity to completely surrender ourselves to another person has always escaped us.  Not until each other did we even know it was possible, let alone something we wanted.  To my surprise, after weeks of silence. Landon actually led the conversation.  We talked about how quickly things had moved as far as we were concerned-this was a cop out, but I waited patiently for my chance to interject, and let him finish.  He went on to say it was the message that prompted the call-there was my chance; I jumped right in.  "Ever since the incident on Richmond MONTHS ago, things have not been right.  I hurt you, completely unintentionally, and you have been pushing me away ever since.  Now, it's developed into inadvertent animosity on both sides that you don't know how to come back from-hence the comment about an adult relationship.  We are not perfect, and WILL make mistakes, the difference is we have to own them, and make amends.  It's EGO that's blocking you; sometimes the hardest thing to get over, is OURSELVES."  We ended the call by saying we loved each other and would talk in a few hours; a call that never took place...

We didn't see each other, nor did we speak the entire winter break.  I stayed busy writing, spending time with my family, and was now looking forward to the solitude of the ski trip.  When I got back to school, Catrina asked for the verdict-I didn't answer, I just rolled my eyes.  She wanted to say more; "What Carina?!"  I questioned.  "Soo, remember back when I first introduced you Adonis outside the student union?!  Well, we had been talking about the ski trip; and YOU mostly..."  "AND ME?!"  my eyes stretched as far as my lids would allow.  "Yes Avri James, YOU.  I know you have your eyes wide shut to every other man on the planet, but they can still see YOU!! I Love Landon, and want nothing more than to see you two win, but baby, you're a star, and it's time you shine like one.  I'm not going to sit by and watch him break your heart, and you let him.  What we want out of life is as simple as making the decision to go after it, with everything you got..."

Catrina's words were branded in my brain and ringing in my ears as I went to sleep that night.  That morning I woke up, my mind picking up right where it had left off.  I had had ENOUGH.  Carpe Diem Bih; it's now or never.  I texted Landon, telling him all the things that I had been feeling; giving him that one last opportunity to show up for us.  NAH...you had ample time to do so; I wasn't waiting anymore.  It was time to pull the rug out.  I told him about Adonis instead, and that HE would be joining me on the ski trip...