Childish Things

The Universe has a way of making the impossible happen...When you are honest with IT, and yourself about what you REALLY feel, things start happening.  I had turned my attention towards my upcoming summer plans and found myself completely occupied.  I really didn't have much opportunity for my mind to wander.   Talking to Adonis was nice, the attention was refreshing, but to be honest, the 'connection' wasn't there.  He was a distraction; the sole reason as to why he was back in my life.  To that end, his purpose was being served.  My conversations with Landon were brief and far between.  I couldn't tell what was going on with him, he seemed to be aggravated and pre-occupied; like he had something on his mind, but couldn't get it out.  I would think everything in his world is exactly the way he wants it to be-he no longer had to be worried about being in an unwanted situation.  I didn't understand why he doesn't just say whatever he was thinking.  Be careful what you wish for Avri...

Late one night, I was finishing up a few things for my website when my phone rang.  It kind of scared me, I mean, no one really calls me that time of night.  I glanced over at the screen; it was Landon.  I took a deep breath, and answered.  I half expected for this conversation to be like the others that proceeded it, but something in his voice told me it may be something else amiss...He was quiet at first, but when he did speak, his voice was solemn, like he was about to say something important.  "If you just wanted to do whatever TF you wanted, why not just say that?!"  I couldn't believe what I was hearing!  ME?!  Doing what I WANTED to do?!  Was he damaged?!  When and Where the hell was that happening?!  "What I WANT to be doing is dating YOU; the way I am supposed to be!  You were the one who said we have to exist in this dumb ass gray space because YOU NEEDED TO BE FREE TO DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANTED TO DO!  Your EXACT words were, 'I gotta be able to do what I want.'  So instead, you make me feel like you have something you would rather be doing, making me feel completely irrelevant!  I LOVE YOU!  I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!  I ALWAYS HAVE, AND ALWAYS WILL  I'm tired, and I'm ready to COME HOME.  THAT, is MY TRUTH, and I am NOT afraid to say OR LIVE it.  But what difference does speaking it make when it doesn't seem to matter?!  Can you say the same about yours?!"  He didn't immediately respond; I could tell he was thinking about what I had.  I was quite literally going to lose my mind if Landon was about to get back on his bullshit.  I braced myself for his response..."You're right.  If anyone deserves my truth, it's you; so here it is...I Love You too; so much in fact that it's scary.  I have never felt anything like this with anyone else, and am terrified of losing it.  I can't explain why I don't act that way, and have problems expressing it, but I KNOW what I feel. Losing you isn't an option for me.  So if you think you're somewhere Avri..."  His voice trailed off.  He didn't finish the sentence; leaving it open for interpretation...

It took a few moments for me to gather my thoughts.  This was Landon making an honest attempt at adult communication.  We were so afraid of putting ourselves out there before knowing absolutely, positively, surely, without  shadow of a doubt that everything would work out for our greatest good.  Because we can never know for certain what an individual feels for us at any  given moment, we DO rely on the reassurance that comes from them to know that everything is ok and we are still on track.  If we stop doing those little things, your significant other can lose that sense of security that is sooo desperately needed to maintain your connection.  Landon sounded as if he wanted to say more, but was waiting for me to react to his last statement.  Truthfully, I was in shock a little-I never thought the day would come when Landon would attempt to decipher his feelings and SAY SOMETHING.  Suddenly, he let out a deep sigh and said, "Your truth is MY truth."  Wow.  All this time-and there it  was...

"Well, if your truth and my truth are one in the same, then what exactly are we doing right now, and why?!  Why am I not allowed to live it?!  Why do I feel like an outsider when it comes to you and your life?!  You have said it yourself that you purposefully push me away anytime you feel like we are getting too close.  Don't you understand that the CLOSENESS is what it's all about?!  It's what is missing!!  You can be anywhere in the world, doing ANYTHING, and I STILL feel incredibly connected to you.  When you INTENTIONALLY sabotage that, what do you think happens to our connection?!  How do you think that makes me feel?!  How the fuck am I supposed to know how to move without knowing how close is too close before you shut down and start moving like you don't want me?!"  I finally stopped and took a breath.  "I told you that nothing else was going to keep us apart; I meant it.  I'm not standing in my own way anymore.  You are where I want to be.  I'm done with the bullshit, I'm ALL IN."  Literal Mike drop; and a speechless Avri James...