Skip to main content

Childish Things


The Universe has a way of making the impossible happen...When you are honest with IT, and yourself about what you REALLY feel, things start happening.  I had turned my attention towards my upcoming summer plans and found myself completely occupied.  I really didn't have much opportunity for my mind to wander.   Talking to Adonis was nice, the attention was refreshing, but to be honest, the 'connection' wasn't there.  He was a distraction; the sole reason as to why he was back in my life.  To that end, his purpose was being served.  My conversations with Landon were brief and far between.  I couldn't tell what was going on with him, he seemed to be aggravated and pre-occupied; like he had something on his mind, but couldn't get it out.  I would think everything in his world is exactly the way he wants it to be-he no longer had to be worried about being in an unwanted situation.  I didn't understand why he doesn't just say whatever he was thinking.  Be careful what you wish for Avri...

Late one night, I was finishing up a few things for my website when my phone rang.  It kind of scared me, I mean, no one really calls me that time of night.  I glanced over at the screen; it was Landon.  I took a deep breath, and answered.  I half expected for this conversation to be like the others that proceeded it, but something in his voice told me it may be something else amiss...He was quiet at first, but when he did speak, his voice was solemn, like he was about to say something important.  "If you just wanted to do whatever TF you wanted, why not just say that?!"  I couldn't believe what I was hearing!  ME?!  Doing what I WANTED to do?!  Was he damaged?!  When and Where the hell was that happening?!  "What I WANT to be doing is dating YOU; the way I am supposed to be!  You were the one who said we have to exist in this dumb ass gray space because YOU NEEDED TO BE FREE TO DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANTED TO DO!  Your EXACT words were, 'I gotta be able to do what I want.'  So instead, you make me feel like you have something you would rather be doing, making me feel completely irrelevant!  I LOVE YOU!  I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!  I ALWAYS HAVE, AND ALWAYS WILL  I'm tired, and I'm ready to COME HOME.  THAT, is MY TRUTH, and I am NOT afraid to say OR LIVE it.  But what difference does speaking it make when it doesn't seem to matter?!  Can you say the same about yours?!"  He didn't immediately respond; I could tell he was thinking about what I had.  I was quite literally going to lose my mind if Landon was about to get back on his bullshit.  I braced myself for his response..."You're right.  If anyone deserves my truth, it's you; so here it is...I Love You too; so much in fact that it's scary.  I have never felt anything like this with anyone else, and am terrified of losing it.  I can't explain why I don't act that way, and have problems expressing it, but I KNOW what I feel. Losing you isn't an option for me.  So if you think you're somewhere Avri..."  His voice trailed off.  He didn't finish the sentence; leaving it open for interpretation...

It took a few moments for me to gather my thoughts.  This was Landon making an honest attempt at adult communication.  We were so afraid of putting ourselves out there before knowing absolutely, positively, surely, without  shadow of a doubt that everything would work out for our greatest good.  Because we can never know for certain what an individual feels for us at any  given moment, we DO rely on the reassurance that comes from them to know that everything is ok and we are still on track.  If we stop doing those little things, your significant other can lose that sense of security that is sooo desperately needed to maintain your connection.  Landon sounded as if he wanted to say more, but was waiting for me to react to his last statement.  Truthfully, I was in shock a little-I never thought the day would come when Landon would attempt to decipher his feelings and SAY SOMETHING.  Suddenly, he let out a deep sigh and said, "Your truth is MY truth."  Wow.  All this time-and there it  was...

"Well, if your truth and my truth are one in the same, then what exactly are we doing right now, and why?!  Why am I not allowed to live it?!  Why do I feel like an outsider when it comes to you and your life?!  You have said it yourself that you purposefully push me away anytime you feel like we are getting too close.  Don't you understand that the CLOSENESS is what it's all about?!  It's what is missing!!  You can be anywhere in the world, doing ANYTHING, and I STILL feel incredibly connected to you.  When you INTENTIONALLY sabotage that, what do you think happens to our connection?!  How do you think that makes me feel?!  How the fuck am I supposed to know how to move without knowing how close is too close before you shut down and start moving like you don't want me?!"  I finally stopped and took a breath.  "I told you that nothing else was going to keep us apart; I meant it.  I'm not standing in my own way anymore.  You are where I want to be.  I'm done with the bullshit, I'm ALL IN."  Literal Mike drop; and a speechless Avri James...  

 

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Flash Forward: The Twin Flame Connection

              One of the things I get the most comments on when it comes to Avri James and Landon is about the Twin Flame Connection, what are my thoughts on it, and most importantly, do I believe in it.  Most of you guys out there want to know whether or not I consider what Avri and Landon have a TFC, and WHEN would it come into play in their story...Ask and ye shall receive!  By request, an anecdote from Avri and Landon that addresses just that; I hope it provides the strength needed to hold out for it ALL... There was ONE time, when I could no longer deny the TFC; and I knew for sure it was real...I lived out of state for a while and had been seeing someone else.  Landon and I hadn't seen each other for a time, and had been living separate lives.  I had been coming and going, but ours paths just never seemed to cross.  One day, my family attended this baby shower.  I chose not to, as I didn't know the intended at all.  After it was over, my aunt stopped by, giving me a rundo
1 comment
Read more

Great Expectations

              I couldn't believe it; it was FINALLY here!!  This trip had been at the forefront of all my thoughts for the past few weeks-now that it was actually time to leave it all felt surreal.  It honestly felt a little strange to be this excited about going on a trip I had originally planned and discussed so many times before with Landon.  In all actuality, I never thought I would get the chance to go.  I just figured the Universe would open up and swallow me, and I would never make it!  The strangest part of all though, was that it didn't even bother me, which caused me to feel slightly uneasy, just for a few moments; old habits die hard.  For once, I felt like I was doing something for ME.  My greatest desire for the whole thing was to find out what parts of Avri still remained; to remember who the fuck I was.  I had felt so lost and disconnected lately- an Avri identity crisis, if you will... See, that's the part I find the hardest to wrap my mind around; how impor
1 comment
Read more

Melanie and Drew

     Sitting on Mel's balcony, we watched the moon rise over the city.  By 9pm, the moon would be full and high on the opposite side of the sky.  We had been sitting in silent reverence at the moon's emergence.  After saging, bubble tea, and some much-needed general foolishness, Mel was finally in better spirits.   My attention was turned from above to Mel seated peacefully beside me, but she was looking straight at me, as if in anticipation of saying SOMETHING.  "What?" I asked incredulously.  "Oh nothing; I was just wondering how long I was going to have to wait before you open that text from Adonis you got like 20 minutes ago!"  I should have known the question was coming; I had managed to keep her occupied thus far by focusing on her and Drew.  I let out a deep sigh.  "Fuck it, I guess now is as good a time as any..."  I told her about today's earlier encounter with him, and she beamed with pride; just as if she were the one who had spoken
1 comment
Read more