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Precipice: A Landon Perspective

 


"If I don't say SOMETHING, I'm going to lose her; forever this time..."

I wish I could tell you where I have been for the past year and a half.  If I knew, then maybe I could explain what was so important that I wasn't paying attention, and I'm letting Avri walk away all over again.  This time, she won't be back...She told me how she felt too-I just sat, listening; not providing any response.  I was silent as she spilled the contents of her heart; taking in every word and realizing for the first time, this is EXACTLY the way I have always hoped to be loved.  It was just as I had imagined; shit better!  It was IMPRESSIVE, yet overwhelming at the same time.  "Do I deserve this?!"  The thought kept running through my mind as she talked.  Throughout, I had mastered the art of pushing Avri away, and was doing it now; even as she spoke.  I didn't even WANT to anymore; it was learned behavior that felt SAFE.  I must have tuned Avri out, because the next thing I knew, the conversation had shifted without me.  She was no longer talking about what she felt for me; she was now talking about what she DIDN'T feel-because I would not let her.  She said we didn't have ANYTHING, and whatever this was that was happening was CORNY.  At long last, she was ready to be with someone that was all IN...

There were no ultimatums, and no open-ended statements that could be mis-interpreted.  There wasn't going to be a 3rd time around...NO ONE gets a third chance.  She was telling, not asking me, that she no longer belonged to me, and never would again.  Avri was determined to break free of me once and for all, and give her heart to someone else.  All she was asking of me was to LET her...

I heard every word; and yet, I said nothing.  I watched each of the words leave her lips, and hang in the air; one by one.  This is EXACTLY what she meant, and she was RIGHT.  I LET shit happen.  Right now, I'm letting the only woman I ever really loved move on to eventually have a life with someone else.  This MUST be what I want-otherwise, why would I be letting it happen?!  I don't blame her; I would have walked away from her for the same reason.  I had it in my mind that Avri was the way she was with me and moved a certain way because that's what I allowed...the truth is, She LOVES me.  It's that pure, unapologetic emotion that she feels for me that truly makes all the difference.  THIS Avri was over me and my bullshit, and I had lost control.

I laid in bed awake that night; thinking.  Never once in all of this did I  fathom that I just may have pushed her too far.  I literally thought she would wait forever, with no regard for the fact that she might actually be ready for something real.  It was all about me, and has been from day one.  She wanted me to put action to my words.   That's one thing I can say about Avri James-she gets BUSY!  She makes good on the things she says...me, I make the things I say to her sound good.  There is very little follow through on my part.  She's absolutely right to not want to stick around indefinitely in hopes that one day I might get my shit together.  At some point during the night I drifted off; broken, incomplete thoughts continued to swirl around in my mind.  I could not decipher between my conscious state and that of sleep.  The two were entwined within the great Labyrinth of my mind; unable to be separated...

I woke up in a state of panic-something wasn't right.  I didn't quite know what was wrong at first, so I just shook it off as some crazy ass dream that I had already forgotten.  By the time I had gotten out of the shower, the feeling had returned, and it felt like it was growing.  At this point, there was no shaking it.  As I got dressed, it seemed to be rising; it took residence in my chest.  By the time it had expanded to my throat, I knew precisely what this feeling was; I had felt it once before-when I left Avri.  I still remember the way I felt the one time I saw her when we were apart.  It had been a really long time, and I tried to talk to her.  She DID speak, but had moved on; and was in a relationship and happy.  She flat out refused to give me the time of day.  Here I was, about to repeat history...My Avri was gone.  So wait, my Avri, MY AVRI was really gone?!  WHY?!  With all that Richmond had taken from me, one of the few things I had been blessed with was now gone too?!  So she was never going to descend those stairs and come to me again?  Now she was going to use those gorgeous brown eyes to look at another man the way only she can look at me?!  Avri James was going to belong to someone else and let them SEE her for who she really is?!  What the fuck was happening?!  I felt like I was being punked until it all came back to me; I chose to be here...I let her walk away-again.  With my uneasiness identified, I began to feel sick.  That long-forgotten feeling had returned, and this time, it was here to stay.  What, you ask, exactly was the feeling?!  LOSS.  All I had to do was say SOMETHING.  Now, each time she walked down those stairs, it would be towards someone else...DAMN.  

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