The Mist

 

Words have the power to both destroy and create; to devastate, and HEAL.  It’s our choice as human beings to wield the power accordingly.  The talk Landon and I had that night turned out to be the first of MANY.  It was absolutely amazing to express myself freely, without any fear of what I was saying not being accepted.  This is what I KNEW.  The past 2.5 years had felt so strange; I was finally HOME.  Landon was being effected too; in the best way; and it showed.  He was patient, attentive, and able to accept being loved on such a major level.  Soon, whatever he felt, or popped into his head, he was sharing; no matter how awkward it had the potential to be.  I was getting random calls, just to ask the simplest of questions, or to check in with how I was feeling.  Me and my emotions had began to gain a foothold in his heart once again.  Funny, we never really think about what things will be like when you finally get what it is you want, or what the experience will actually FEEL like.  Our biggest fear in surrendering to the intensity of emotions you feel for someone else is that you will lose sight of yourself; completely caught up in the other person.  What we discovered, however, is that we actually FOUND ourselves…the REAL versions; the people we truly wanted to be…

Late one night, my phone was ringing belligerently with a video chat from Landon.  Although fast asleep, I was immediately awakened by the sound.  “A video call, REALLY?!”  I answered groggily.  “I needed to see you.  You know I’m weird; but you love it though.” “I love it more when I’m conscious!  What’s the matter my Love, what’s on your mind?!”  “How do you know it’s ANYTHING?!”  He replied.  “Because,” I said, “I can tell you have been thinking!”  with a small laugh.  “One of the things that bothered me the most about what happened between us it was your reaction to it all; from the beginning to our last explosive encounter.  The things that you said, how you acted, was something I never thought I would see from you.  At first I was upset; VERY mad to say the least-or so I thought.  I was up just now, thinking about that; trying to understand where it all came from…” I started to interject, but he stopped me- “wait, there’s more, I have to get this out.”  I got quiet and let him proceed.  “I finally realized what happened, and understood the WHY behind it.  I put your emotional security in Jeopardy, and therefore, you did the same; any way that you could.  The one thing we have in common is putting our entire heart out there for fear of getting hurt.  I convinced you it was OK; that your feelings would be safe with me; completely protected from the bullshit.  You trusted me, let your guard down, and GAVE yourself to me, just like I asked you to.  I didn’t treat the situation right.  When I tried to remember what you had done that was so terrible, why you deserved ANY of the shit I did, my mind drew a blank.  What I could recall, was ME…

Ever since you came back into my life,  I asked you for EVERYTHING you had inside; for you to love me ENTIRELY.   I returned those efforts by being flippant, lying, embarrassing you, breaking promises, not showing up, bouncing in and out of your life, manipulating your emotions, attaching myself emotionally and physically to a person I know isn’t good enough, therefore making it impossible to be hurt; God only knows what else; and there I was, unable to own up to any of it, and how I contributed to us getting to that point.  When it was you and I, the way it was SUPPOSED to be, NONE of this shit went on.  This all started when I changed shit, and just kept digging.  I DID this to you; ALL of it.  I created that monster.  What did I expect to happen?  Who did I expect for you to become?!  I knew what I was doing, and exactly what you were going through, because it was precisely the hurt I was trying to avoid.   My monster, my responsibility.  I apologize Avri, I deeply and honestly do.  I’m telling you all of this because I want you to know I GET IT.   Can you truly forgive me for hurting you in this way and putting us at risk?  I pray I never have to endure what you did to find your way back to me.

I guess what I’m saying is. PLEASE, trust me to do the right thing.  It’s GOT to be ALL or NOTHING Avri.  It’s not going to work if you are cautiously only giving a portion of yourself until you are sure of me.  You destroyed my sense of security with words, after I systematically did the same with multiple actions that were just fuckin disrespectful at times.  None of it was right.  That ALL STOPS, right here, right now.  I am READY to feel you pulsating through my veins again; for you to occupy the edge of every thought.  I’m ready to be sitting in my car, 2 days later, and still taste you on my lips.  I’m ready to see you smiling, whenever I close my eyes, and for you to look at me in a way that I KNOW for a fact that I’m the ONLY man you are thinking of.  I’m ready to stop denying that uncontrollable pull that lands me right in the middle of your energy, and come to you (and in you!) whenever I feel like it.  I’m ready to be ‘Loved too good’ again.  I’m ready for MY Avri, in MY way; fuck all this other stupid shit.  It just doesn’t matter anymore.  I haven’t said this since all this began, but Baby please, MY Avri, ALL of YOU; RIGHT NOW.  I’m making the identical pact; and promise to never make you feel unsafe again. It’s a horrible feeling that no one you love should ever have to experience.  I AM YOURS.  Please say you’re still mine…”

Yooooo!!! I don’t know what the fuck is happening right now!  Everything that Landon was saying was literally rattling around my head as unformed thoughts. I couldn’t believe that HE was the one saying them.  Was it REALLY true, were we back in our own private vibration where we didn’t need to tell each other what was on our minds, it could just be FELT?!  Did he truly remember US, and wanted it?!  This man was really sitting with the things that were going on in his mind; attempting to process his emotions to change the outcome.  He was honestly asking to be taken serious, and occupy meaningful space in my life-requesting to be given the chance of a lifetime-AGAIN.  Sure, about a million apprehensions were swimming around in my head-particularly his most recent acquisition of emotional baggage…That’s the thing with forgiveness though, it must be FULL and Complete; offered and given as many times as necessary.  We are all works in progress; waking up as new people each day, with the ability to effect real change.  We won’t always make the best decisions for ourselves, from one minute to the next.  The saving grace throughout it all is that, if we are brave enough, and able to overcome ourselves, we arrive at the point where we can say we are wrong, and do something about it.  Here was Landon, standing at the crossroads in full self-realization; hoping that I was still fully willing to be the woman he always loved…as if nothing ever happened between us…The question remained though, was I willing to put it all behind me…

“When Souls are involved, you really don’t have much say in the matter.  I few years ago when we relinked, and I chose to give it ALL to you, that was REAL; making it impossible to take it back.  Regardless of how angry I was, it just doesn’t STOP, no matter what I may have said it led you to believe.  It’s precisely why I was so upset, because my entire heart was still with you.  Constantly.  Always.  Of course you can have ALL of me; EVERYTHING.  Technically you never lost it.  You just needed to get rid of unnecessary, lower level distractions-because that’s what it all was-distractions from what was actually possible for us.  All I need, is for you to MEAN it; and accept just how amazing the potential of US could be…just like we always wanted to.  No more excuses-on either side.  I’m here, and I’m ready.  We may fuck it up a little as we are learning, but remember where we have been, and what love for one another has brought us through.  ‘We Gon Make It!’”  He smiled.  “See, this is why I needed to video chat.  I need to see you when you talk about how much you love me, but I wouldn’t mind you being in my bed right now.”  Landon said slyly.  “Of course you would say that in the middle of the night!  I’m wide awake now, I guess that can be arranged.” I said.  “Yup, let’s make it happen then, and when you get here, I think it’s time we discuss what’s next; I’m thinking I need you in my bed closer to EVERY night…”  Landon’s voice trailed off.  “First things first, let me get decent, I’ll be there shortly.”  “I never asked you to get decent…”