Fuck it Avri; Just Jump...
What harm could possibly come from going?! A bitch just hates to be in a compromising position...I had so much swimming around in my head, I knew I needed a little headway before I could make ANY decisions. That meant having another tooth-pulling conversation with Landon. I knew what I felt, but I also knew that I was embarking on a whole new life course; a boyfriend was nowhere in that equation. I liked that we didn't need labels to feel connected with one another, and would define what we had at a point in time when we were both ready. In the back of my mind, the comment about Tre was still rattling around, and so I knew it would not be okay to pursue this any further and not say anything. Big Girl Boots Avri; "It's About to Go Down!"...
Something that always happens to me whenever Landon and I are face to face is that I get kinda nervous when something is on my mind, and I'm at a loss for words. No matter how organized my thoughts are prior to, it never comes out that way. I sat next to him, trying to find the right words to communicate exactly what was on my heart. I wanted to tell him that the Landon and Avri that was so dope was being transformed into something basic and stupid; that we weren't everyone else, and should stop pretending like we were. We function and we work because are You and I; and nobody else. We don't deny our feelings or their intensity; most importantly, we don't play games. How we operate is unique and special, and were absolutely fine the way we were; moving at the pace we set...until you starting thinking and fucking shit up. That's what I wanted to say; God only knows what actually came out...
One thing is for certain, it damn sure wasn't that; the invitation from Tre managed to be overlooked too. I never mentioned it. I was hoping after we spoke, I would be less confused, but no luck. I hope I was at least able to get my point across, even if it was the most inarticulate thing I ever said. I did walk away from the conversation with a sense of relief, which meant I must have gotten out at least 1 thing I wanted to say. That afternoon, I told Tre we could meet that night to have dinner, and we would discuss the potential of spending Sunday together. He was more than happy to oblige; even coming all the way to Richmond to pick me up. I had none of the same reservations with Tre, so I was able to jump right in...I was honest, right up front, letting him know I did not previously think of him that way, which is why I was so apprehensive. It wasn't until the last couple of weeks of us spending so much time together that I really even saw him as a guy(no homo!). I explained that I am incredibly guarded because I'm extremely sensitive and don't like to be hurt. "I admire you candidness and willingness to still come at me the way you did," I said,"knowing full well what my situation was. For that reason, I WILL spend all of Sunday with you; just be careful what you wish for!"
There, I said it. It was out; I agreed, and I was going. The backs of my ears started to tingle; I was actually excited...for a few moments until anxiety kicked in--I'm going to be alone with Tre ALL DAY...Oh shit! This is the 1st time I had actually been to his apartment. Oh well, no turning back now! "Stop acting like this man is going to eat you(what if he tries!lol)" I thought. I reassured myself in my head. "There hasn't even been an inappropriate word between us; it's not a stranger; CHILL!" After a few deep breaths, I was calm, and could finally think about something important--like what to wear...
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