The Forest

Sometimes the simplest of truths can be the hardest to express...The summer was coming to a close, and I would soon be leaving for school.  I was still excited about going to college in the fall, but the last few months revealed to me that I had other things to consider that were just as important to me.  Never did I imagine when I came here that I could shift my focus and actually fall in love.  Funny thing is, I still haven't told him...

It's soo strange; that's EXACTLY what it is, so why haven't I said it?!  Landon tried once to tell me, and I basically refused to accept it.  I know I said we didn't need words, but there are just some things that CANNOT remain unsaid.  I would sit next to him sometimes, wondering if he;s thinking the same thing; waiting for me to tell him.  There HAS to be a song out there that speaks to my heart right now...I have just the one; if I keep this on repeat, I know it will make everything make sense...

Little known Avri James fact:  There are no trees here; all I can see is FOREST.  When my heart decides something, it's damn near impossible for that to change.  NOTHING blocks my way.  Sometimes I wish I was made differently, and my heart was more flexible.  Eggs; Baskets; whatever.  All I have is the one.  Damn Avri...

Now that Tre was back where he belonged, it gave way to the aftermath between Landon and I.  In a perfect world, I wouldn't have even had to deal with the fallout of NOTHING; but when it comes to matters of the heart, there is no such thing.  I needed to be completely honest about what I was feeling because we needed to get to the WHY behind the entire situation; I was going to have to explain wtf happened to make another man believe there may be a chance.  I sat for a while, thinking; I finally worked up the nerve to speak; it all came out at once like an avalanche..."We had been kinda weird for a while, and there were so many contradictions as far as we were concerned.  I never needed you to say things that I KNEW as fact.  The problem came in when that changed.  I all of a sudden needed to hear and be told certain things because I was no longer feeling or seeing them.  So, for something soo organic to be changed so drastically, doubt and uncertainty were able to play a hand in it all.  I started to feel like I was here in whatever this is all by myself.  What sense does that make?!  My time and attention were expendable, and no longer wanted.  Meanwhile, I was over here, confused, trying to figure out what was happening to us.  We even went from a point in time when a conversation about myself and any other man wasn't even tolerated to some foreign planet where it was totally OK for me to deal with whoever I wanted--enter Tre.  I was left to sort my own feelings out; you told me to go against my nature, and not feel the way I do.  WTF was supposed to happen?!"

I had more to say, but it didn't come out.  Thoughts like, "I don't even know if we are having this discussion because you have met this person at some point in time, or you being genuinely upset that someone else showed, and attempted to pursue their interest in me.  Up until that point, I had NEVER entertained such a thought.  It didn't matter to me how someone else felt about me, it was always about YOU.  I started to get upset with myself; wondering why it was that I didn't have the control over my emotions I needed to walk away from the man I chose to give my heart to who didn't seem to want it any longer."  I had never seen Landon so upset with me; I braced myself for response and impact...

We really didn't address much of what I said.  I apologized for not saying sooner that I knew he had feelings for me; and it was more about the way it LOOKED than what it actually was.  I didn't know what else to say.  Either he was going to forgive me, and we would move on, or he wasn't, and we would go our separate ways forever.  I was so emotionally wound up at this point, I just wanted SOMETHING to happen.  It took days for him to say a word.  Under normal circumstances, that probably would have driven me crazy, but, ironically enough, I was in perfect peace the entire time...

I was sitting at my desk writing, and Landon called.  He immediately started talking as soon as I answered.  I found myself starting the conversation off with that same peaceful energy I had been feeling the past few days, which is exactly what we needed.  Even though I knew he was upset, it definitely felt different.  We started to talk about that conversation when Landon had attempted to tell me that he loved me.  I told him I didn't want to respond then because of how much of our situation was up in the air; I was just trying to protect Avri...There was no running from the sentiment today..."Say it back; you love HIM, and you KNOW you do!"  I heard a voice whispering in my head.  "Own your truth Avri, just JUMP!"...Fuck it, people do the long distance thing everyday...