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Perspective




"Would it be at all possible to spend next Sunday afternoon together?!"

Message might as well have been sent in neon flashing letters...My exhaustion dissipated, and I found myself wide awake, sitting straight up in the bed, staring at my phone.  I don't know if it was shock or sleep deprivation, but I was stuck; staring off into space for at least 5 minutes or so.  My mind was racing; retracing every moment we spent together, trying to figure out what I had done, if anything, to provoke or encourage this in ANY way...nothing.  Maybe I was overreacting...so why was he asking  a week in advance about hanging out?!  Since when were we so formal?!  Under any other circumstances, I wouldn't have thought twice, I would have immediately agreed.  It was just something about this particular invitation that said it was completely different than all of the ones before...

I finally calmed my nerves to the point where I could close my eyes; my response could wait till I had at least 3 hrs of sleep and a somewhat clearer head.  Later on that day, I was sitting on the sun porch writing when my phone rang, it was Landon.  Even though we were talking, things between us had definitely changed.  He and I never quite defined exactly what it was we were doing, we just knew how we felt about each other; which had always been just right for us.  Now, it seemed like we were both scared to death to end up in a definitive relationship.  In my mind, I loved him; and when we were together, we were in our own world, which was all I really needed.  I used to FEEN to get there each day.  Now with all this newness, Landon had me feeling like I shouldn't be.  So each time the phone rang, I was filled with mixed emotions.  At one point we discussed seeing other people--enter Tre...

Our conversation was pleasant; briefly recapping events from the night before.  The entire time we spoke, the text from Tre was looming over me, still unanswered.  We really hadn't seen much of each other lately, so it came as a little bit of a surprise that we ended up together later on that day.  I had all but forgotten about the text and we were enjoying each other's company; that is until Landon mentioned Tre...Once before, after they met, he and I had a brief conversation about Tre, and if there had ever been anything between us in the past.  Of course the answer was "No", and we moved on.  Sitting in the car with him that Sunday afternoon, we re-visited the sentiment.  Landon was like, "I'm not going to lie, I felt some type of way when you told me who you were going out with."  I couldn't believe it, all I could say was "Why?!"  He didn't have not one single reason to feel that way--and let's back up, aren't I "unattached?!"  Well, that sealed the deal on the back and forth in my mind about whether or not to mention the text...NO, definitely not...

One thing I can say for sure about Landon, he can certainly provide a necessary distraction to get my mind off virtually ANYTHING!!  That text was the furthest thing from my mind until later on that evening when I received yet another message from Tre.  This was more in our usual fashion, slick and jokey.  At this point, we hadn't spoken since leaving Richmond at sunrise, so it was only going to be a matter of time before my phone rang.  Whatever I was going to say, I had better figure it out quick; my time was officially up.  I responded to his nonsense, knowing full well it would prompt a phone call.  Fuck it, what did I have to be afraid of?!  Like clockwork, my phone rang just minutes after the text was sent..."So I know you not about to act all stupid because I said I wanted to spend the day together!", was how I was greeted; No hello.  I couldn't help but smile.  That's exactly what I needed to break the ice.  "No dumb ass, but you definitely aren't making the situation any better being a whole homo about it!" I replied.

The jokes ended there; from that point on, the conversation was something else altogether.  We talked about how I was such a tough nut to crack, making it impossible for a man to get close to me.  He said he admired how fiercely loyal I was, and how amazing that must be for the person I'm with.  Tre wanted to know me in this way, and, since he was seeing me in a new light, he wanted me to see him differently as well.  We talked for hours; I mostly just listened.  I WAS taking it all in, but my brain was trying to process it at the same time.  My mind took me back to my early morning thought, "why haven't you considered?!"  "BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO!" I heard myself screaming back.  It felt nice to just DO and not have to worry about bullshit!!  My emotions were tied up in someone else for the most part; I didn't want any complications..."Wait, we aren't talking about that dude who made it possible for us to spend all this time together in the first place, ARE WE?!  If so, perhaps your feelings are misplaced.."

I lay awake just thinking for a long time that night; was he right?!  When it was all said and done, could I really not end up with my twin soul?!  I mean, we were talking about the space between my heartbeats...Heaven and Earth moved to put us in the same place at the same time; never once did I ever entertain the thought that we wouldn't be together when it was all said and done.  Could I be wrong?!  The text remained unanswered until the next day...

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