Awake

 

When you look at life for what it REALLY is, that's when shit hits the fan...the moment you realize it's the ultimate reality show,  and everybody is writing their own parts.  The person you wake up as each day is the role you are choosing to play, and the way you decide to present yourself to the world.  The sets, the costumes, the cast; all designed by the individual.  Granted, participation in this show is why were are here, after all, however, it's when we lose sight of the fact that it's all an illusion, and begin to believe the character is real that we give up creative control, and the show you created becomes your truth.  Before you know it, your have become a supporting  castmate in someone else's show.  For some, they embrace the illusion; choosing this persona as their authentic self.  For others, however, the storyline being written is so outlandish and far-fetched, the character created is immediately dropped, and suddenly, you remember who you ARE...supporting cast to NO ONE; you are the star of your own damn show...

It was like being snatched out of an on-going, monotonous dream.  I looked up, and all of a sudden when I looked at the people around me, and the things they were doing, all I could see was the WHY behind each situation:  they were in pain.  All people were focusing on was the it, not dealing with anything.   Everyone was caught up in the show, and not one of them realized it.  They had fully absorbed themselves into these roles to escape.  I knew this because I had been doing the same.  Each one of my episodes had left me full of horrible feelings the next day because I was behaving like my character, completely lost in my own illusion.  I was so fucked up, I started to believe the hype.  I went into a self-induced emotional coma-NOTHING was getting in or out.  It was time for me to return to the SOURCE.  When I emerged, I was no longer the character on ANY show; I had become an Observer; to all around me.  I wasn't an unwilling participant, seemingly being forced to shoot scenes I didn't want to be apart of.  This wasn't MY LIFE; it was a complete TV lineup of other people's shows that I had NO business watching, let alone engaging in.  I should have never been supporting that wack ass production from the jump.  The Universe I contain within is not controlled by ANYTHING in this physical world; therefore, it holds NO power to control or disturb the Peace therein.  I choose each and every emotional trigger, so it certainly doesn't sit right with me when people who are supposed to care for me were attempting to use them to get what they want from me...

I had been on hiatus for  while, just sitting back; watching.  It's amazing how much you actually see when you start to pay attention.  Adonis had been ON me, trying to talk me into taking a trip somewhere, and for me to consider staying in the city with him for the rest of the Summer.  Looking back, I think it was this very suggestion that prompted my emotional coma-I did NOT want to do it.  One thing I'm not ever going to do is play on people's emotion-I have no right.  Even though I was honest from the start, and EVERY step of the way, Adonis still managed to catch feelings for me.  What made it so offensive was the fact that now, the actions he was taking, led me to believe that he was trying to manipulate my feelings to change in his favor.  Even though he was doing it in a very passive way, attempting to lead me into it, as if by my own suggestion.  What made it even worse, I almost when along with it out of some misplaced guilt, like it was my fault he was in love with me, and I would be with him out of obligation.  Um, WTF Avri?!   This will NOT be tolerated, and a conversation definitely needed to be had...

I sat in my neighborhood coffee shop, waiting for Adonis to arrive.  Entirely present, I watched the wind gently move each leaf on the branch of a tree just outside my window.  The people around me were all engaged in their own little musings.  A few older gentleman were up at the counter, doing what they called flirting with the pretty round faced cashier.  There was a couple at the table in the back who didn't seem to know each other that well; you could feel the awkwardness between them.  I turned my attention back to the street, and saw Adonis approaching from Unis Street.  He looked a little flustered, and very unsure.  It was a rare moment when he wasn’t in character.  All that remained now was an individual who relied on vulnerability to gain the advantage.  The sad part about it was that he didn’t have the strength of mind to be doing it intentionally.  I probably would have more respect for him if he actually KNEW what he was doing.  By the time he reached the door, he had shifted back into character; the Adonis I knew had shown up to set, and was now approaching my table…

After a brief hug, we sat down.  I watched the steam rise from the brim of my teacup and disappear into the air just above it.  I was fully present.  “Let me start  this all off by saying that I have a grievance to address, but I want to make sure and explain this in such a way that it leaves no room for further interpretation in your mind.  You and I, are not a possibility that I will be entertaining on an emotional level.  In your mind, if you give me what it is you think I want, then I will drop my defenses and let you IN…When I have told you in the past that my heart was not mine to give, that was the ABSOLUTE truth.  What you are failing to comprehend as far as it’s concerned is the reason WHY; and that’s my fault.  You really need to understand what’s happening here:  you are in love with the persona, Avri James.  At the end of the day, when I take it all off, and am alone, THAT is who I am; pure and simple.  Stay with me homie, because this is where it gets complicated-“. Adonis had the most uncomfortable look on his face.  “There’s only ONE person that knows HER, and will see me in that way.  Those two souls, are INSEPERABLE, because they are ONE.  We have ALWAYS been; before we ever met, and will continue to BE long after our time in this physical life expires.  Don’t you get it, even if we never lay eyes on each other again, it wouldn’t even matter because we are infinite.  Even if the me that Avri James wanted to give you a chance out of some misguided guilt behind me not reciprocating your feelings, it would never be real.  The connection you are longing for with me could never exist.  This is more than Love, it’s SOUL RECOGNTION; a promise from the UNIVERSE at least 3 years before I was even born.  It’s beyond feeling; it’s KNOWING.  I think you are great, but it’s unfair to let you think that there would ever be something you could “DO” to change the way I feel.  Life is about accepting all possibilities, without any fear, or attachment to outcome.  It’s when we choose not to accept that we become the creators of our own suffering.  I will not participate in the making of yours…”      To Be Continued…