Ether

 

There comes a time in every person's life when they are pushed to their breaking point.  Depending on your strength and determination, there will be one of two outcomes:  If you're not strong enough, it will literally BREAK you-drive you insane.  Hopefully, you find your way back.  Then, there's the other instance, where you ARE strong enough; there's just not holding back.  With every emotional trigger is going at once...You just can't take it anymore; and so, you BLOW...The way you needed to, ALL along...

What happens when you let someone in is, you end up exposing all of your vulnerabilities, one by one.  If you are truly connected to someone, you are fully exposed.  Therein, you are fully protected, so it's not supposed to matter.  It's when those walls come down that the true test of character happens.  I like to think I'm pretty tough taking most things in stride that would have broken others.  But I'm not a machine.  I CANNOT be constantly pushed to the limit and being backed into corners-I'm going to come out swinging.  Especially when it comes to my emotions.  Once I'm hurt, I'm going to say and do whatever it takes to make you feel worse than I do; without regret.  I tried my hardest to walk away from Dante(this is how Landon is known in the streets; I don't fuck with that nigga, we just know each other from around the way.  Dante has NO part of me) without causing too much emotional damage, before it all went to shit.  I told him, from the beginning, that he and I were UNIQUE, and that my psyche could  NEVER support the idea of it ever being ANYONE but us.  If it couldn't be that way, then just let me go.  I would pack EVERYTHING I feel up, put it back where it was, and quietly MOVE ON.  I had one emotional outburst after another, so I knew I was upset inside.  I can ALWAYS feel when it's not just me.  I could never accept this version of Landon.  I told him how much I hated this nigga, and didn't want him anywhere around me.  I said I hated this space we were in and that it was fucking with me.  I said I should have NEVER accepted this bullshit from the start because it wasn't me.  I told him I couldn't take him pushing my buttons, no matter what much of a kick he got out of it because it was causing me REAL PAIN.  I told him manipulating my emotions to the point that I no longer felt safe was the ONLY reason in the world I would EVER walk away...

I had been in this fantastic space; my website was popping, I was about to move into a new apartment, practically everybody I loved in other cities would be coming in town in a few short days, AND Adonis and I were in a great place.  We had come to an understanding that worked for us both- he wanted my undivided attention.  As long as he never had to feel like he didn't have it, he could care less about Landon.  In his mind he was a non-factor that he was eliminating systematically piece by piece.  He was just waiting on Landon to put the final nail in his own coffin.  Adonis hadn't seen the slightest thing that would make him feel threatened by Landon. From what he could see, he moved like a side nigga, and that was all he was ever going to be.  He liked it that way.  He was way ahead by miles and had NO fear of Landon ever catching up.  He didn't need the label, he had ME.  It must have been something to it all because I hadn't really spoken to Landon in weeks, and I didn't even notice. That night, I had a weird moment when he crossed my mind, so I decided to call.  No answer.  Cool.  Keep that same energy-indefinitely.  The weirdness melted away, and I went back to Landon being the last thing on my mind...

After a run in with  Dante just 2 days later, I was seeing RED; I was as LIVID as one person could ever be.  WTF had I done to deserve ANY of this?!  I absolutely LOST my mind via text message after that.  How many times do you expect to poke a sleeping dragon before they wake up, poised to attack?!  I couldn't take it anymore.  Not excusing it, but regardless of what I may have said in the past under the influence, it was coming from a place of hurt.  I said those things wanting to hurt him the way he did me.  At that point, I just wanted to kill anything I still had inside for Landon.  I NEVER wanted to feel anything for him again.  He didn't deserve me, or how much I loved him.  All I ever tried to do is show him that love didn't have to be toxic, and there was no need to be afraid of how he felt because I felt exactly the same.  As long as that was the case, we could protect EACH OTHER from the bullshit the world had to offer, and we would be SAFE.  Instead, he let Dante take over and made me just another girl, giving me over to another man to love.  My heart had been wrapped up in Landon my entire adult life, and yet he still could not comprehend the magnitude of what he meant to me.  I died a little inside that day...

In the moments when you think you really know someone is when they tend to pleasantly surprise you.  It can end up being their finest hour, and a true testament to how they truly feel.  I was completely hollowed out by the past two years.  I just wanted Landon to stay as far away from me as humanly possible.  I was up in my room being anti and working on TCS when my phone rang; it was my cousin-Landon was here, and had asked me to come down.  I was shocked, and only pure curiosity drove me to ascend those stairs.  I couldn't imagine what he had to say to me.  I needed to understand why he was here; I know it wasn't to get tough with me!  I saw what happened the other day as a line in the sand, and he had chosen his side...

Again, I had already decided a long time ago that I didn't fuck with the Dante version of Landon.  He would NEVER have any part of me.  I braced myself-I didn't want to lose my composure.  There he was, at  the bottom of the stairs, trying his hardest to look menacing.  We hadn't had anything close to an adult conversation since Dante showed up, so I had no expectations of it now.  The conversation started out rather ruff, but then it changed into something else...before I knew it, we were having a full on adult exchange.  I wasn't afraid to say what I felt; I had nothing to lose.  I was DIFFERENT.  I had no fear of ANY outcome.  Landon HEARD ME; which is something I hadn't felt in a long time.  The only word he heard coming out of my mouth prior, regardless of what was said, was COMMITMENT.  For a second, I started to get frustrated, because I shouldn't have to be brought that much outside of my character for you to listen.  However, I digressed, because what I saw from Dante, made me realize the WHY behind him coming that day.  For the very first time,  since the beginning of Avri and Landon-it  was fear of loss.  My words had come with a sense of finality that he just couldn't shake.  It had finally stirred something inside of him that he had gone too far.  It was the first time he wasn't sure if it was over for good.  You know what though, that fear is completely warranted-I am not the same Avri James.  There are some things that hurt badly enough that it changes your entire dynamic.  THIS, was one of those times.  My feelings for Landon had evolved, and that air-tight grip he had on my heart had loosened.  He no longer had me in the same way...